Open Water

Rivers, creeks, streams, they offered her comfort.  The sound of the trickling water grounded her. The smell of rain and the growth of moss gave her a sense of calm.  It was ironic then that lakes, oceans, and even the deep end of the swimming pool terrified her.  There was something about the unknown depth that caused her imagination to run wild.  She feared drowning, of not being able to breathe. Imagine the brutality of her death when the last moments of her life were spent choking on the waves that crashed against her body. 

She didn’t go to the beach that day with the intention of dying.  She sat with her feet buried in the sand, close enough to the shore that the water could just barely reach her toes as the tide came in. She just came to the beach to clear her head. It had been a long week of drowning in paperwork and stress.  She sat, focusing on the sound of the waves, letting it ground her. She didn't know how to fix her life, but she knew she needed to take back some control. Without giving it much thought, she decided to stand up.  She looked out into the vastness of the open sea and let the awe and wonder wash over her, burying the fear. The horizon was hazy, the heat mixing the light blue of the sky with the reflective darker blue of the ocean.  It was a warm day and a beautiful sight. Her hair was tied up in a knot, but she could still feel the ocean breeze whipping her bangs across her face.

In order to overcome your fears, you need to face them.  So, she took another step and the biggest breath she ever took. Her resolve faltered for a moment when she got about waist-deep into the ocean. Her shorts were soaked, but she hardly noticed. Her loose shirt clung to her in the places the water washed against. The water felt warm on her skin, she lifted her hand from her side and watched droplets of water drip from her fingertips. Her breath caught in her throat as a wave rolled her backwards, she let herself float with it. Regaining her composure, she let her heart rate return to normal. When she caught her breath, she realized with wide eyes that she enjoyed it.  She felt free, being able to let go and let the wave carry her backwards.  She took another step and waited, the ocean floor soft beneath her, the sand squishing between her toes.  She could see another wave building ahead of her, and just as it began to lift her away she lifted her arms and let herself float as the wave carried her. 

She let out a giggle, and then another, and before she knew it she found herself splashing and enjoying her time in the ocean.  The biggest body of water she had ever been in, and it wasn’t terrifying, it was exhilarating.  She waited like a cat preying on a mouse, dipping herself low so she was eye level with the water to watch the next wave build. As the water began to rise she stood up and let the wave carry her backwards. After what felt like a lifetime, she looked around her to find the beach was much farther behind her than she had thought.  For a split second, she panicked and looked around for any other people, but she was too far away from any of them, and a scream for help would do nothing.  She began to try to swim back to shore when another wave began to build around her, she braced herself for it to carry her.  She would just ride the wave back to shore and everything would be fine. Except...

She miscalculated how big the wave was going to be and before she knew it she was being pulled under the water.  She kicked and waved her arms under the water, eyes shut tight.  She tried to stand up but the ocean floor was gone, she had wandered too far away from shore. She took a breath in to let out a scream, but only choked on the water now invading her lungs. She tasted the foul saltiness of the water. She opened her eyes and saw only darkness, interrupted by bursts of bubbles she realized were coming from her.  She watched the bubbles float to the surface and tried to follow them, but her limbs were heavy and sore, she couldn’t get them to move. Her chest exploded, her lungs begged for air. It was like a horrible nightmare, her worst fears come true. Soon, the bubbles stopped and she couldn’t tell where the surface was. She floated.  Her lungs stopped exploding, her arms didn’t feel so heavy.  In fact, she wasn’t entirely sure they were still there.  Blackness crept around the edges of her vision, she almost didn’t notice when she felt someone tugging on her.  She let herself drift, no longer scared, no longer in pain. 

Death was easy.  She accepted that she was dying, and she let go.  Being alive is hard.  It’s heartbreaks and uncertainties.  It’s loss and it fucking hurts and it is scary. She didn’t go to the beach today to die, but now that it was happening she did not fear it, in fact, she felt relief. She would never have to go to work again, never have to have her heart broken again. Everything that she had been worried about hours earlier seemed so far away now, and she would never have to worry about them again. How tragically poetic, to be killed by the thing you fear the most.

Waking up was hard.  She choked on the water, vomiting it out of her system.  Her eyes fluttered, was she really awake?  She looked around her frantically, but only with her eyes as her head wouldn't move. Someone had gotten her out of the water.  She could hear the waves crashing into the shore and someone asking her if she was okay, but it sounded far away. Her chest felt crushed, and her throat burned.  Her eyes stung.  She peered straight into the blue of the sky and she realized how thankful she was to be alive. She watched birds circle overhead and felt the sand beneath her. Being alive was scary and it hurt, but she was relieved. The sun was warm on her skin, and she realized how cold she was. She would probably never recover from her fear of water, but she would recover from nearly drowning, and that was a good start. Tears began to flow down her cheeks as she let herself mourn the girl she was before today and embrace the person she was going to be from now on.

In the days that followed she quit her job. She had a date with the handsome man who saved her life and she was on her way to becoming the person she had always been too afraid to become. She was going back to school to become a writer, something she'd always wanted to do but never thought was practical. Drowning had woken her up, and she only wished she had done something about her dreadful life sooner. How dramatically poetic, to overcome your biggest fears and become someone new.