One More Time Around

I didn't dream last night. I almost wonder if I slept at all. The silence of the morning is a comfort, and yet my breath holds in my throat as I count down. Five... Four... Three... Two...

A siren rings from the distance. Three long wails, the last being slightly longer than the two before it. Michelle stirs next to me. She always wakes after the third ring, not that I can blame her. This is the only time of the day I allow myself to smile. Seeing the morning light bask across her as she slowly brings herself to consciousness. I allow myself to forget for just one minute the responsibilities of the day. I let myself escape into every fantasy I can come up with before she wakes. Perhaps we could take a picnic near the reservoir. I've never made finger sandwiches, but I know she loves them, so I could try.

"Johnny?" Her groggy voice snaps me back to reality. I do my best to maintain my smile, but the curves inevitably flatten, and I can feel the hardness return to the edges of my expression. I'll try harder tomorrow.

"It's almost time to go," I tell her, leaving the bed and walking towards the closet. "We've got a lot to do today." She groggily sits up without a word, and as she stretches her arms to the sky, I sigh. I didn't deserve her. The world didn't deserve her. Although, given the way things are, there isn't much the world does deserve. That's enough thinking. We don't have much time. The second set of sirens rings in four hours, which gives us enough time to get almost everything set.

"Hey Johnny?" Her voice seems to fill the room regardless of how loud she actually speaks.

"Yes Dear?"

"What is this?" She is beaming as she studies the necklace around her neck. I put it on her in her sleep, knowing it would make her smile.

"A gift. Today is a special day." I try my best to sound happy, or at the very least content, but it comes out flat. She climbs out of bed and wraps her arms around me, embracing me in the only warmth I will feel today. We both sit still for a minute, before she pulls away suddenly.

"My head is killing me," she groans. "do we have any headache medicine?" I point to the nightstand next to her side of the bed.

"Top drawer." She pulls out the medicine bottle and rattles it.

"Sounds like we're low." She opens the cap and turns the bottle over her palm and a single capsule falls out. She giggles and tosses the bottle in the trashcan by the nightstand. As she goes into the bathroom to take the pill, I wonder if maybe today will be different from every other day the past five years has offered. A silly thought. An impossible thought. The sirens are proof of that.

The rest of the morning is filled with chores and preparations. We clean the house, prepare the meals for the day, and do a sweep of the resources we need. An hour and a half before the next siren. It's time to go outside.

As we walk out the door, Michelle gasps. She stares up at the sky, fear and wonder fighting in her eyes. Ever since the Catalyst, the sky has burned a deep red across the horizon. No one ever knew why, or more possible is that no one cared compared to everything else that changed that day.

"I don't... I can't remember..." She trails off, not taking her eyes of the sky. Pain washes over her face, as she tries desperately to recall something just beyond her mind's reach. An hour until the next siren. We have to go.

As we walk the path that connects the house to the bunker, Michelle struggles to make sense of her surroundings. The dust constantly in the air, the cars abandoned on every road we cross, and of course, the amber sky.

"What happened to all of the people Johnny? Why are all of these cars broken down?" Her questions are not difficult questions to answer, and yet my silence remains unbroken. My tongue dries more at each question she asked. I wanted to answer. She deserves answers. The dust in the air tastes a little sour today.

We reach the bottom of the hill twenty minutes before the siren, just like the day before. As we begin walking up, another pained look crosses Michelle's face. I know what she is about to ask.

"Johnny..." The look on her face has changed from pain to sadness, "How long has it been?"

"Since the first time? Too long." My voice is harsher than I would like, but I can't help it. I stopped giving her accurate answers after the third year, it only causes more harm. We continue to climb the hill in silence, but I can tell Michelle is distressed, and yet the knowledge of the pointlessness of my efforts to soothe her fuels my silence. We are met at the top of the hill by Joan and Roe, an older couple we share a bunker with. We exchange pleasantries identical to the ones we shared the day before. There isn't much point in changing it. The world is the same. We are the same.

"We've got about seven minutes," Roe says gruffly as Joan hands us bottles of water in exchange for the ones we emptied on our journey here. We all walk to the edge of the hill, staring at the wasteland before us. From our vantage point we can see a few groups of people below. Looters, survivors, savages, whatever you wanted to call them, moving like ants in a farm.

The four of us stare in silence as the unheard clock ticks down to the next sirens. Joan finally breaks the silence.

"I love your necklace Michelle." She presents a half smile, and Michelle places her hand softly over the locket. She had been calm and collected until this comment, but the pained look has returned to her face.

"Johnny gave it to me... but I can't remember when... I don't... I can't-" She begins to raise her voice. She's panicking, causing Joan to try and calm her down, urging her to breathe. Roe looks at me with a concerned look before glancing at his watch.

"She doesn't normally switch this close to the siren, John" Roe turns back and looks over the edge.

"This is exactly when she switches." I snap back at Roe before approaching Michelle. He sighs and heads toward the bunker, urging Joan to follow him. They wait at the door, watching me grab Michelle's arms softly.

"My head is killing me Johnny..." Her eyes are wide and glazed, "I can't remember the necklace Johnny... I broke it... I'm so sorry I can't-" She opens her palm, showing me the broken chain dangling from the silver heart shaped charm.

"It's okay, I gave it to you this morning, remember? I put it on while you were asleep." I take the locket from her, "And it's okay if it's broken. Its just a necklace. Lets get you to the bunker." I guide her toward the bunker, and as we reach the door, the first siren rings through the air followed by two more, much louder than the ones that started the day. As the third siren ends, we all look to the sky as the asteroid enters our vision, trailed by smoke and despair. It connects with the earth over the horizon, but we still feel the earth shake as it did the day before. That is when we enter the bunker and lock the door. It will be three hours until the siren that tells us we may return home.

I guide Michelle to a cot in the corner and help her lay down. I take the necklace from her and place it in my pocket. She doesn't speak, but I know she is in shock. I could try to explain everything. I could tell her about the asteroid, and its impact that we have come to call the Catalyst. I could tell her about how the sky bled and the ground cracked and time itself seemed to stop. None of it would help. All I can do is leave her be. Bliss within ignorance. I lay down on the cot in front of her. I will sleep, but I will not dream.

I'm woken by the first of the three sirens signaling the end of the Catalyst. As the other two ring, I look to Michelle's cot, knowing it will be empty. She will be at the door, looking through the small circular window. Joan and Roe are already packed up and head for the door. I sigh and rise to follow them. As we walk out of the bunker, the world around us looks exactly the same as before we entered, and yet we still inspect every detail, hoping to find a rock out of place, or even a breeze where there shouldn't be. Nothing has changed. So we decide to part ways.

Michelle is quieter on the way home than she was this morning, which isn't surprising, but kills me all the same. She's never happy afterwards, not that I can blame her. I'm too drained to try and cheer her up today, but perhaps I will try tomorrow.

As we reach home, we have a quiet dinner in the dining room, and proceed to get ready for bed. She hasn't said a word since we left, and she won't say another word until tomorrow. She lays down in bed, giving me a soft, forced smile before turning away and falling asleep. I would like to go to sleep with her, but I have to get ready for tomorrow. I walk into the bathroom, and lift one of the panels in the ceiling. I reach into the gap I created and pull a ziplock bag filled with little white pills. I take one out and place the bag back in its resting place. I head back into the bedroom and walk to her nightstand. She tosses as I pull the empty medicine bottle out of her trash and place the one pill inside before returning it to the top drawer. I head to my side of the bed and sit down. I reach under the bed and pull out a box that makes my heart aches as I open it, revealing at least fifty more heart shaped necklaces identical to the one broken in my pocket. I take one out, replacing it with the broken one from today. I'll replace the chain eventually. I gently place the necklace around her neck without waking her, and as I finish my nightly checklist, I sigh. It's finally time for bed.

I lay down, facing away from Michelle. I lose myself in thoughts. Maybe tomorrow the sirens won't ring. Maybe tomorrow the Catalyst won't come as it has every day for the past five years. Maybe tomorrow Michelle will wake up remembering... anything. Maybe we'll go on that picnic, and I can make finger sandwiches. Maybe tonight... Maybe tonight I'll dream.