On Frozen Pond

I had seen it the previous winter when the pond had frozen over, and I had to confirm what I had seen was true. Nobody believed me last winter, and it was so bad that I was sent to ‘an old friend.’

I protested at the time.

“Mom I don’t need to speak to your old friend, I know what I saw, I am not seeing things!”

After the long cold winter, I pretended that the ‘old friend’ had counselled me and her ‘coping mechanisms’ had worked. I was allowed back to the pond only in the summer, but what I had seen in the frozen pond never materialized in the water. I am sure it had something to do with the ice, and the ice crystals. Well, I wasn’t sure but that was my theory anyway.

Winter was once again upon us and my parents knew something was up again and on advice from the ‘old friend,’ I was forbidden from going near the frozen pond “for my own sanity.” I knew that I would be back there, as soon as that pond froze again. I had to convince myself either way, was I delusional or was it true and real?

Imagine if I had followed through with what I wanted to do, would my life be different? In what ways would my life be different, would I still be here?

Nobody was allowed to skate on that frozen pond because Jimmy, my neighbour, a rather large fellow who enjoys his meals a little too much, had cracked the ice once and fallen in. It was quite a rescue mission like pulling a baby elephant from quicksand, but luckily quick thinking and resourcefulness of the people who witnessed the incident, saved Jimmy from an icy grave.

The council had erected safety barriers and anyone caught on the other side of the safety barrier would receive a rather large fine. They called it the ‘Jimmy Law.’

Some of my college friends would go there late at night and party and a few them had ventured beyond the barriers, and they had been fined, it is rumoured the police have hidden cameras set up, that continually record the happenings at the pond and surrounds.

I don’t care about what the police think. This winter I will be back there, beyond the barrier, if they fine me so be it. I have to find out if what I saw last winter was true. It was so clear, and so real, the whole scene was like a movie playing out before my eyes.

Sometimes I hate technology, my mother has this app that alerts her if I am within a certain proximity to the pond. If I switch off my location tracking function, I will immediately get a call from her. The app alerts her. I know she loves me and is concerned about me, but I am old enough to make my own decisions. I want to record my observations.

Mom says that I will never understand until I have children of my own. I will never understand the love that a parent has for a child. I suppose that her and Dad deal with the fall out, of my emotional state, so she has a point.

Personally, I think my mother still sees me as a little boy and at times I think she sees me as a helpless baby. I am all grown up and can make my own decisions, yes sure like any young man I make mistakes and mess up, like when I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I will never forgive myself and that is why Mom is so concerned, but I have moved past that now, that was two years ago. I had many hours, many days, weeks months of therapy, and what I saw in that frozen pond, was real, what I saw was real.

I wish everyone would just leave me alone to fathom these things for myself. It was her, she was real.

Claire’s eyes were as beautiful as ever, so clear so full of love and so green. Her hair, golden blonde with the long curly locks just as I remember it that night. She had an expression of love and she held out to me, asking me to take hers. Her beautiful smile and her dimples as she smiled, her hand outstretched, perfectly manicured nails, as always when we attended functions.

Her parents were so proud and happy that her and I were attending that function together. It was for a good cause close to her heart. Claire always had a love for animals and the wild, and the gorillas of central Africa had carved out a special place in her heart.

After the function, we were all enjoyed the wine that the golf club had to offer, we stayed late into the night, and then Jason decided it would be a good idea for us all to go down to the golf course.

It wasn’t long before we were drinking and listening to music, the evening was perfect, a beautiful clear summer night, the clear night sky with the cosmos in all its glory, a sparkling, twinkling canopy over us. A warm summer evening, everything was perfect. We lay there the twelve of us looking up at the stars, listening to music and drinking wine and champagne.

“Hey what do you reckon we play some mixed doubles?” Lex suggested.

“I’m not much of a tennis player.”

“Gavin, He doesn’t mean tennis, or golf, he means golf cart racing.” said Jason

There were six couples there that evening and everyone there supported Lex’s suggestion. Claire didn’t. Claire was very responsible and wise. She had a maturity about her, a more insightful mind.

“I don’t think any of us is in a state to drive anything at this stage, why don’t we just chat and enjoy the beautiful clear evening?”

“Oh, come on Claire stop being such a stick in the mud, loosen up, it’s just a bit of fun.” I said, trying to increase my social currency.

My words were supported by a resounding chorus of approval, everyone agreed. I could see that Claire was uneasy, but she gave in to the pressure of the friendships forged over many years.

It wasn’t long before we all had a golf cart, one per couple, totally against golf club rules, but security had left hours before. What did we care, we were young and free.

The ‘rally course’ was agreed upon by all and Jason was designated time keeper. Lex would keep time when it was Jason and Cindy’s turn to take part in the golf cart rally.

We were last to go and Nicholas and Nicola, or the ‘nickels’ as they were known by us all, had the fastest time. Nicholas had grown up in a motoring family and was a great go kart racer, so it all made sense.

We were the final couple and our turn had come. My competitive spirit fueled by the fearlessness of alcohol had me all hyped up. Claire sat next to me reluctantly.

“Two minutes and it’ll all be over.” She said, as we took up our seats in the golf cart.

At the halfway mark we were three seconds ahead of the nickels time, everyone was cheering us on.

Entering the final corner we had a five second lead, then in slow motion the cart began to topple over, the corner was too tight, I had miscalculated, Claire’s beautiful clear green eyes and her beautiful blonde spiral curls, her hand stretched out for me to grab it, to pull her to myself, is all I recall.

“Gavin, Gavin can you hear me?”

“He’s waking Mom, Mom he’s waking up, he’s out of the coma!”

My baby sister’s voice reverberates in my mind, I hear it often.

“Gavin, you will be ok, just take it easy.”

“Claire, where is Claire?”

“She is at home, she will come and visit you soon, right now you need to get better and recover.”

“I fell asleep again exhausted, but happy that Claire was at home and well.”

I awoke three days later, they tell me, but I woke up properly this time.

“Mom, how long have I been in hospital?”

“Three weeks son.”

“Mom I am hungry.”

“That is the best news I have had in my entire life. What do you feel like eating?”

“Where is Claire Mom, will she come and visit?”

“Yes Gavin, she said she will come and see you in a week or so, she has been studying for exams.”

“Oh yes, crap, exams!”

“Don’t worry you will be granted an extension. Everyone knows about your situation.”

The week passed and I was stronger and able to walk. Claire never came to visit. I bet she was angry that I talked her into that stupid golf cart rally thing. Angry that I ended up injured.

None of my friends came to visit, only my Mom and my sister and Dad when he was back from his business travels.

“Today is the day you will be discharged” said nurse Sandy, with a broad smile, she had taken such good care of me.

“Take care of yourself, you are physically healed, but your mind will take some time.” Nurse Sandy said.

“Wait, what do you mean? I can think and talk, can you understand me?”

“Yes, sure you can, I was talking about emotionally.”

“Emotionally? I am fine emotionally what are you talking about?”

“Excuse us nurse Sandy, let us get Gavin home and we will chat to him there. Thank you for all your care.” said Dad.

Days went by as I recovered at home, not word from Claire. Mom said she had been very busy and that her family had taken her on holiday to Africa, after exams, it was very remote and they could not be reached.

I missed Claire and looked forward to their return at the end of the summer, just to see Claire again, even if she was angry with me. At least we could still be friends, or even if she didn’t want to be friends she could tell me why. I mean she at least owed me that! I was getting angry about her not even caring about me, sure she came and visited while I was in a coma. The nurse said she was very sad, but spent hours there, so she must care about me. Well, where is that care now? Why is she behaving like this? She must have some other boyfriend. I have been so isolated from everyone while I recovered and I wasn’t allowed any technology in the hospital, but I was back.

I checked her Instagram and Facebook, nothing, no posts, the last one was the night we went to the function. That was weird? I asked Dad about her.

“Gavin, there is no way to say this, so I’m just going to say it as it is. Claire passed away. She passed away the night you both had that terrible accident.”

“But, um, but she visited me in the hospital?”

“No, she didn’t. Everybody thought that is best you get better before we told you.”

Back at college my friends consoled me, ‘it could have happened to any of us’ they said. It was an accident they said, but that didn’t help me. My foolishness had killed the one person I loved most in the world.

Autumn changed to Winter, and that was when I saw Claire. I saw her under the ice in that pond, she was reaching for me and calling me, holding out her hand, inviting me into her world. She looked lovely and at peace, I was going to be with her. As soon as the pond freezes over again, I would be there with her.