Old Fashioned Land Lady

Samos woke midway through his life. He donned a robe and slippers, returned from the kitchen with a glass of juice, and sat at his desk. The sun shone through the window. He set his glass of juice on one corner of the desk. He took a pad of paper and a pencil from a drawer. He gazed wistfully out the window and nibbled thoughtfully on the pencil’s eraser. Samos took a deep breath, leaned over his pad of paper and began furiously writing.

A moment ago, I looked out the window. A moment from now, I’ll look out again.

Two moments ago, I took out a pad of paper and pencil. Two moments from now I will put them away.

Three minutes ago, I sat at my desk. Three minutes from now, I will rise from this desk.

Four minutes ago, I retrieved a glass of juice from the kitchen. Four minutes from now, I’ll drink my juice.

Five minutes ago, I put on my robe and slippers. Five minutes from now, I will change into street clothes. Six minutes ago, I awoke with the thought to take stock of my life. Six minutes from now, I will execute the plan I am writing now.

The police car pulled up along side Talus. Talus was running west on the side of the road. As the vehicle began to overtake Talus, he pumped his arms harder and sprinted faster. The driver increased the speed until the passenger window was even with Talus. The passenger rolled down the window, held a hat to his head with one hand, and a bullhorn to his mouth with the other. “You in a hurry, son?”

“Yes, sir.” Talus shouted to be heard over the roar of the wind and the screech of the engine. “I need to run fast, or I’ll never catch up.”

“And what are you trying to catch, son?”

“Well, I’m chasing the sun there, sir.”

The officer looked askance at the young man and nearly lost his hat. He removed his hat and placed it inside the cruiser. “Wouldn’t it be easier to turn around and run towards the sun?” he shouted through the bullhorn he now clasped with both hands. “It’s not even midday, son. If you pause for a moment, the sun will be overhead.”

“No. If I stop, time will continue apace. If I run in the other direction, I’ll be headed to the future. I need to run to the past!” Talus pumped his arms harder, striving for even the most insignificant incremental increase in speed. “I have to fix a mistake I made.”

The officer pulled his head back into the vehicle and turned to his partner who was driving. “He says he’s running to the past. Says he’s gotta fix something he messed up.”

His partner rolled his eyes and said, “Well, he ain’t breaking no laws.”

The officer on the passenger side leaned out the window once more and raised the bullhorn to his mouth. “Carry on.”

The home inspector walked through the hallways of the boarding house slowly. This job was taking an interminably long time. The lady leading him through the interior hallways would take one step forward, then move her other foot even with the first, look around and point out some crack in the floor or tear in the wall paper. “Now, see this?” She pointed to a spot on the carpet on the second floor. “Samos did that. He spilled some juice. Now, I scrubbed that spot on my hands and knees with a wire brush and now it’s all threadbare. Hmmph!” She made a pouty face and placed her hands on her hips. Then, she stepped forward with the same foot she had only previously brought even with her other foot.

“Ma’am. Surely you can let me take my own tour. I just need to check the structural integrity and look for signs of rodent and pest infestation.” The inspector shifted his weight from foot to foot. His pack, containing a tablet computer, a few tools, and space for the clipboard he held in his left hand, weighed heavily on his shoulder and he felt himself list slightly. This was his first appointment of the day.

“Nonsense, my young man. Nonsense!” She laid her wrinkled, crepey hand on his arm that held the clipboard. She took one step forward, brought her other foot even with the first, and pointed at a door. “Now, this one is Samos’s room.”

“That’s all right, ma’am. I won’t need to see any of the individual tenants’ rooms.” He felt the papery warmth of her touch, almost weightless, but heavy, like she was passing the accumulated heft of time transdermally between her hand and his arm. He stood up straight and adjusted the strap of his pack. His head felt hot and inflated, as if it floated just above his shoulders.

“Oh, that’s nice. I’m so glad we won’t have to bother him. He’s been at it for years, now, making his plans. I think he’s really turned a corner.” She took one more step.

Something about what she said seemed odd to the inspector, but his head was swimming and he couldn’t concentrate. He barely noticed a cord hanging from the ceiling, and jumped backwards when it brushed his cheek, nearly colliding with the lady.

“Oh, dear. I should have warned you.” She had both hands on his arm now, one holding his wrist, the other clasping the elbow. She was present everywhere. “So, you just pull on that cord and the stairs for the attic will come down.”

The inspector put his foot on the first step. “Will you be coming up to the attic?”

“Heavens, no, dear. You go on up. Take your time and I’ll put a pot of milk on the stove for some cocoa.”

Ten years ago, I broke up with Tonya. Ten years from now, I’ll marry Sonya.

Eleven years ago, I lost my virginity. Eleven years from now, my first child will be born.

Twelve years ago, I fell in love. Samos looked out the window. Gray was creeping from his chin down his inches-long beard. His eyes were rheumy as he squinted at the window. The sky was gray and it was raining. He opened his eyes wide, shook his head, and turned back to his pad, writing furiously. Twelve years from now, my child will walk.

Thirteen years ago, I met Tonya in Freshman English. Thirteen years from now, Sonya will tell me she’s pregnant again.

Talus pumped his arms and legs. His muscles burned with exertion. He decided to pause, for just a minute. He leaned over, put his hands on his knees, breath panting in and out of his lungs. The police cruiser pulled to the side of the road behind Talus. Two officers exited the vehicle and walked even with him.

“I’m losing time.” Talus started away from the officers.

“Now, hold on, son,” one of the officers said. Talus started jogging in place. “Where exactly are you running to?”

“I have to get to the past. I have to save my ballot.” Talus exhaled, arms rising and falling, a worried expression on his face. The two officers looked at each other.

“Save your ballot?” the first officer asked.

“Yes, sir. I want to change my vote for president.”

The second officer held his hand up in front of Talus’s chest. “Now, hold on…You mean the presidential election. That was two years ago.”

Talus snorted at the hand held up in front of him. “I know, sir. I’m about half way there. I started running about two years from now.” The officer moved his hand and scratched his chin. Talus started jogging in a circle.

“How in the heck do you think you’re going to change your vote?” The second officer cocked his head skeptically and squinted at Talus. The first policeman looked down at the ground and held his hand over his mouth, stifling a smile.

Talus stopped jogging in circles and faced west, his legs still pumping. He pointed forward. “I just gotta keep chasing the sun. And if I run fast enough, and if I catch up to it, and if I pass it enough times on my way home, I’ll get there in time to tell myself to vote for the other man.”

The first officer kicked the ground with his toe and grunted. The second officer looked to his left And then to his right. He looked behind him and saw light traffic on the road. He faced Talus and said, “Son. What you said to me sounds crazy. But, you’re not doing no harm to no one and there ain’t much traffic tonight. Hmm!” The officer stroked his chin, then added, “I’m going to go ahead and let you keep running. I hope you can get yourself home soon cos I don’t think I could let this go if I catch you running this road later.”

Talus smirked. “It’s okay. You didn’t remember this tomorrow!” he shouted as his legs carried him west.

The home inspector stepped off the bottom step to the attic. He folded the steps and pushed the door flush with the ceiling. The cord swung in a circle a few times before coming to rest.

“Were you able to find everything all right?” The old lady’s voice piped up from right behind him and he jumped and spun around. His face was alarmed and curious, as a cat whose ball of yarn was taken mid play.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. You rather spooked me. I didn’t expect you to be here when I came down from the attic.” The inspector stood up straighter and reached into his pack to grab the clipboard.

“Oh my! I’m so dreadfully sorry. I thought you’d been up there so long I came to see if anything was wrong.”

“Well, no. Everything was fine up there. I will need to see the basement, though.”

“Of course! Follow me down the steps.” She turned around and beckoned him with her hand. She didn’t stop so many times going back down the steps. The inspector thought she must have told him everything about the house on the way up.

“You could just point the way for me, ma’am.”

“Nonsense. What kind of hostess could I be if I left my guests to wander around this old place?”

“Beg your pardon, but how old is this place?”

The lady was halfway down the stairs to the main level when she stopped and turned around to look at the home inspector. “Why, it must be a century old, if it’s a day. Mind you, I’ve been the landlady for most of them.” She turned around and walked slowly and deliberately down the remaining steps. As she led him around the newel post down a different hallway, she again stuttered her steps, pausing regularly to relate some trivial fact about the house.

The lady came to a door and pointed to a chip in the wood of the frame. “That. That right there! Talus did that. I was bringing him his supper one night when he rushed out of his room upsetting the tray in my hands. We were all rather lucky. Ruined the meat. It fell on the floor. But the steak knife landed right there.” She pointed at the notched wood. “I can’t believe neither one of us lost a toe that night.”

The home inspector was confused by what she said. His entire day had been filled with impatience and consternation, but he wasn’t sure he had heard her correctly. “I’m sorry. Did you say you were bringing your tenant dinner? Do make food for your renters?”

“Well, sure. I started letting rooms in this place in 1960. It was common practice in those days. I just never stopped doing it. Besides, those boys wouldn’t know when to eat if I didn’t schedule it for them.” She started walking past the door to the rear of the house.

The circumstances of a landlady cooking for the tenants of her boarding house piqued the inspector’s interest so much he stopped to ask about the room. “You say someone named Talus rents this room? Is he home?”

She stopped walking and turned to face him. “Sad to say, he won’t be home for a couple years ago. You don’t need to go into his room, do you?”

Once again, what the lady told him seemed off in some undefined way. “No, no. Just, if there is an electrical panel or anything in his room.”

“No. I believe everything you might be looking for you’ll find in the basement.” She stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall. She turned the knob and pulled it open. “I shan’t be joining you down there. Those steps are awfully narrow, and it’s rather damp down there for my liking.” She reached through the doorway and tugged on a string hanging from the ceiling, turning on a naked bulb overhead.

“Thank you, ma’am.” The inspector stepped around the lady and walked down the stairs.

“You come to the kitchen when you’re done. That cocoa is just about ready.”

Twenty-five years ago, I learned to speak. Twenty-five years from now, I’ll be diagnosed with aphasia.

Twenty-six years ago, I learned to walk. Twenty-six years from now, I’ll be confined to a wheelchair.

Twenty-seven years ago, I was born. Twenty-seven years from now…

Samos laid his pencil down. His heart was pounding madly in his chest. He placed his hand on his beard, which grew down to a place mid-torso. His juice was green with fungus. There was no light coming through the window. He stood up and turned around from his desk. His knees buckled and his body collapsed in a heap on the floor.

Talus ran. He left the main road and followed a curvy, tree lined street. He slowed his pace as he approached an old, two-story house. There was a broad, covered porch and he climbed the steps and halted by the front door. He was sweating and panting. Talus wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Then rubbed his hand on the hem of his shorts.

“I made it. [hooo] I made it.” Talus stood outside the door until his breathing slowed. He reached into a fanny pack and retrieved a key. He opened the front door and stepped through. He heard voices in the kitchen and smelled steaks under the broiler. “Hello, Mrs. Simms,” he said as he entered the room.

There was a pack with a shoulder strap on one corner of the table. A strange man, strange to Talus, at least, sat at the table with a large mug of cocoa in one hand. Mrs. Simms was pouring mini-marshmallows from a bag into his cup. “You must have made it,” Mrs. Simms said. “Just in time by the look of things.”

“Yes, Mrs. Simms. But, who is this?” Talus pointed at the seated man.

“Where are my manners? Why, this is the home inspector. He has to make sure I keep this place fit for you and the other tenants." She went to the counter and began arranging silverware, plate, and food on a tray with little fold down legs. “I’ll bring you your dinner in just a few moments. You better get to your room and fill out your ballot.”

Talus turned toward the hallway and walked to his room. He ran one hand along the smooth doorframe as he turned the doorknob with the other. He sat down at his desk and pulled his ballot and a pen from a drawer. He carefully filled in a circle for each office saving the presidential choice for last. He’d spent an inordinate time thinking over his original choice as he raced back to his room. Then, slowly, carefully, he filled in his choice. Talus refolded his ballot and stuffed it in the secrecy envelope. And then placed that envelope in another and signed his name on the exterior one. He looked at his desk clock and realized he had hardly any time to make it to the drop box.

Jumping up immediately, Talus ran to the door and opened it wide. He ran into Mrs. Simms bringing him his dinner. She dropped the tray. The plate broke. The meat fell to the floor. The steak knife notched itself in the doorframe. Stumbling over the old lady, he clambered towards the front door.

“Sorry, Mrs. Simms! I lost track of time!”

Talus was turning the doorknob when Mrs. Simms replied. “That’s okay, dear. I can clean up. You just get your vote down to be counted. And remember…”

“Yes.”

“You can always change your mind.”