Of Peas & Lobsters

The bar was one of those small town bars, really it was actually the sports club for the town, to the locals it was simply The Owl due to the giant owl statue that was perched on a faux tree branch near the entrance. No one actually knew where it came from, the sports team associated with the club was a softball team called The Cassowarys due to an unfortunate situation where the team manager didn’t actually know the correct way to pluralise Cassowary. The plaster statue of what many considered to be a North American Barn Owl, had no real place being here and no one in town alive today knows how it got to be here, but somehow it just stuck and became part of town, and the club became The Owl.

I was sitting on one of the stools that ran along the edge of the bar itself, there was no one else sitting at the bar, everyone was at the tables and booths that covered the dining area, save for Jim who was sitting next to me.

“I ever tell you how frozen peas once saved my life?” I asked Him. Jim was one of my oldest, and best friends. He was also the only one left from our school friend group that never moved away from town, except for me.

“I dunno mate, don’t ring a bell. You can tell me when I get back from watering the plants.” He said, sliding off his chair and headed towards the toilet.

We were doing our normal Friday night thing, after the work week, sitting at the bar swapping stories over vast quantities of alcohol. I couldn’t tell if his were horse crock or not, and I wasn’t even sure about some of mine anymore. We had been doing this for years now. Every Friday after work, for what seemed like a decade now, we would meet at the bar and have as many rounds as it took to share stories, then return home. Some weeks we would get a taxi back, from time to time we could talk someone into giving us a lift, but tonight Jim was driving. He had a nephew’s 1st birthday party tomorrow, so needed to be somewhat presentable come morning.

I signalled the barman to come over and ordered another round, a pint of the black stuff and a nip of Jameson for me, and a cola for Jim, “You be careful won't you? Don’t want to have you carried out like last week.” He said with a grin.

“Not to worry Phil, this is the last round for the night.” I assured him.

“Will it be the last story?”

“Phil! I’m almost offended, our stories are the stuff of legend around this town, you ask anyone!”

“Sure, whatever you say Carl.” He said as he walked to another customer.

While I waited for Jim to get back I took a quick look around the place to see who was around tonight. It was a pretty quiet night, which is why the man who walked in talking to himself was drawing so much attention. He was waving a car antenna around like a sword, and seemed to have no control over the volume of his speech. He wandered through the place, seeming lost and almost looked as he was going to leave again.

“Got to squash him flat, they’re too clever to let live, will steal your soul!” he shouted at the Owl as he entered, he then nodded curtly at the statue, and turned around, eventually finding a stool to sit on at the bar, thankfully not too close to where Jim and I were seated.

“We were informed your lobster is especially tasty!” He shouted at the waitress who bravely went to serve him.

“Um, It’s okay I guess? It’s shipped fresh daily,” She said, “Would you like one?”

“Yes, and three for my friend.” He replied, pointing back towards the Owl statue. As he answered he leaned over and whispered, “Can we get those to go? I don’t like the way those deer are staring at me.”

“What? Um, sure. Four lobsters to go… coming right up.” She said, heading to the kitchen to place the order.

What a lunatic, I thought as I looked up at the deer heads that were mounted on the wall. Jim arrived back from the toilet, took a sip of his new drink and asked, “Miss anything interesting?” Only the most deranged person to enter this town since the 60s.

“No, not much. That guy over there,” I said pointing to the strange man, “just ordered four lobsters to go and claimed the deer were looking at him funny.”

The waitress brought out a bag, with takeaway containers in it and handed it to the man, “There you go sir. Enjoy your meal.” She said with the most forced smile I’d seen in the food service industry.

“Meal?” he asked.

He doesn’t remember?

Now the waitress was getting visibly distressed about the situation, she placed the bag on the bar in front of the man, smiled again and then moved away to the far side of the bar to take another order. The man just stared at the bag for a few moments, it was like he had no clue what had just happened or where he was.

Is he… a nutcase?

“Anyway, tell me this frozen peas story, Carl, sounds interesting. You say some frozen peas saved your life?” Jim said, returning from the bathroom and snapping away from my thoughts.

“What? Oh… yeah, um. It was a few years ago…” I said, not really paying it much attention.

“Well come on then, you’ve got me interested now. You can’t just say that much and leave it, tell the whole story!” Jim insisted.

“LOBSTERS!” The man suddenly screamed, taking focus away from the story yet again.

The man suddenly snatched up the bag of food and bolted out the door, there was a silence throughout the bar after he left, every conversation in the place had stopped suddenly. After a moment it returned to normal and noise filled the room once again.

“So, where was I?” I asked Jim.

“You hadn’t even started yet, you said frozen peas saved your life, and that it was a few years ago now and then that weirdo screamed about lobsters and ran out.”

“Yea, well it was a few years ago and I was packing for a cruise I was about to go on.”

“I didn’t know you went on a cruise?” Jim interrupted, “When did you go on a cruise?”

“I didn’t, if you would let me finish the bleeding story! So I was packing, and I noticed I didn’t have any sunscreen in the house, and you know how I burn. So I thought I would just pop down to the shop to get some-”

“He’s dead! I killed him! Help!” Screamed the strange man, who had just stormed back into the bar, this time from the entrance that connected with the small hotel attached to the club.

He must be staying at the hotel, how on earth did he manage to book a room?

“Help! I’ve killed him!” he screamed at the security who were trying to restrain him. He held up one of the lobsters from his order, dead and lifeless, and I imagine covered in butter.

“He’s dead!” he cried looking at the lobster in his hands.

“He’s gone off the deep end.” Said Jim as we sat and watched the proceedings.

The man was distraught about this dead lobster, and thought he had killed it. I thought that maybe in some way he did, by ordering it, he caused it’s death. But it’s not anything to get this upset about. The security managed to subdue him, and the management along with security dragged him back to the hotel area.

Bet he’ll have an interesting morning. I thought as I finished the last mouthful of my drink. In all the excitement of the strange guest both Jim and I forgot I was meant to tell him the story until we were in Jim’s car heading home. We passed the billboard for the local supermarket, they were advertising a special…

FARM FRESH PEAS - 1 KG FROZEN BAG - $4.99 $2.99!!

I laughed and thought, any other night I would be surprised at the coincidence.

Jim saw the sign too and it obviously jogged his memory as well.

“Oh yea, peas! What happened with the peas?” he asked “You needed sunscreen and so you went down to the local supermarket, and then what? What happened that saved your life?”

“It’s really not that interesting now that we’ve hyped it up, it was meant to just be a quick little story that was good for a chuckle. Now there’s too much expectation on it, it’ll be a let down.” Especially after experiencing the exploits of the nutter in the bar.

“Don’t do that to me Carl, you know I don’t handle cliffhangers well. Just tell me, I don’t care if it’s boring or not now.” He pleaded.

“Okay, fine.” I said.

This is going to be stupid.

“So basically, as I was walking through the supermarket, someone’s bag of peas split and they spilled all over the floor and I slipped on them, landing pretty badly on my back and cracked my head against the floor. I was knocked out cold, when I woke up in the hospital they told me I had a concussion, a bruised spine, and a torn ligament in my lower back. I couldn’t walk for a few days and it took a few weeks to recover fully. That’s pretty much it, see? Not very interesting anymore is it? Not when you compare them to the adventures of the mysterious lobster man.”

“I remember when you were laid up in hospital, was that from the peas?”

“Yea, I didn’t want to tell people at the time, I thought it was embarrassing.”

“Wait? That sounds awful, and I remember it took you weeks to recover. How did that save your life?” he asked.

“Oh yea, well about a month or so after my fall, I found out that the cruise I was going to go on, had twenty-three people die on board during the trip.”

“Holy crap! What happened? Did it sink? Or were they attacked by pirates?”

“Pirates? Do you think we live in the 1700s Jim?” I scoffed.

“There are still Pirates Carl, there’s those Somali pirates and stuff, I’ve seen it on the news.”

“Well… fair enough, but they're not going to attack a cruise liner are they? Anyway the reason they died wasn’t any of those things, it was severe food poisoning. Wasn’t cooked properly apparently and caused violent hallucinations and severe dehydration and vomiting, so a bunch ended up dying.” I explained to Jim as we arrived at my house.

“Bloody hell.” Was all Jim said in response.

I got out of the car, and collected my work bag from the tray, went back to the window of the car and said goodnight. Strange night, but a good one I suppose.

“Next week?” Jim asked as he started the engine back up.

“You bet. Next week we taxi back” I replied.

I waved as Jim drove away, I checked the letter box, mostly just bills and junk mail, “Nobody loves you Carl.” I said out loud to myself, smiling as I went to open my front door. I was stopped as Jim arrived back in my driveway, I walked back over.

“Forget something? Or just couldn’t bear to leave me?” I said, laughing.

“Ha Ha, very funny,” he mocked, “No, I was just curious, what was the dish that caused the cruise poisoning? It must have been something that not everyone ate… pork?”

The memory of it sent me into an almost uncontrollable giggle.

“Calm down you nut bag, what was it?” He said.

“You’re going to laugh,” I said to him through laughter.

“Just tell me so I can go home!”

I finally gathered myself enough to answer.

“The lobster.”