Of Grace

That once tiny hole, barely noticed in its youth, now gapes open in a whirlpool of loss and sorrow. It tears further, cuts deeper, as the heavy waves flood every crevice of my being. Pain upon pain, it strains to spread the emptiness of a million joyous futures no longer possible as I fight to protect my heart from total annihilation. A wounded heart is better than no heart at all and I will not go there. I refuse to drown however simple that may seem. I refuse to live forever in the dark, cold depths. I refuse to be like the slow, dead-eyed fish just beyond the glass before me, accepting of their hopeless fate.

“Miss, are you okay?”

I thought I could make it through the day, somehow, without anyone noticing. This morning, I couldn’t eat but I got my children ready for school and sent them on their way. I hid it from my colleagues with ease, though mostly through avoidance. I was so certain the inherent chaos of an excursion would keep my mind occupied enough that there would be no time to wallow, but as I stared at these underwater creatures swimming back and forth in their endless purgatory I lost composure. It was only for a moment I’m sure, but a moment was all it took for the redness and glaze of my eyes to draw their attention. People give teenagers a bad rap, but sometimes you’ll find they’re more receptive to emotions than their grown counterparts.

“Hey Miss, are you alright?”

“Are you okay?”

“Everybody shut up and do your work. Miss is talking.”

They’re good kids really. Even the challenging ones.

The quiver staggered my speech as I recounted the case studies of various marine research projects and discussed curriculum specific conservation efforts.

“I-it’s important to remember the aquarium’s mantra: r-rescue and protect. Without these programs, amazing creatures like these will cease to exist. Consider the injured sea turtles and freshwater turtles that have been saved around the world due to these programs. How might the strategies differ for each of these when it comes to releasing them back into the wild and/or providing life-long care?”

As I finally found my composure and felt the puffiness of my eyes ease, I directed them to consider food webs with creatures that would typically dwell in the depths of the ocean, to mark the classification, and to define symbiosis.

With each word, I glanced around at them all with pride because something amazing happened. It was unheard of in my experience with these young people, unseen. Trust me when I say I’ll never forget it. The most wonderful surprise of my life was that they did everything I could have hoped for and more. The students who, mere days before, had interrupted the lesson by tackling each other through the desk and who last week had taken turns screaming profanities louder and louder as they tried to surpass the volume of the one before. Without question or complaint they made their way from one exhibit to the next and completed every task to the best of their ability.

As our ‘Underwater Adventure Biology Excursion’ came to a close and the ever incomprehensible youths made their way onto the bus words of approval and encouragement met my ears.

“That was great. Thanks Miss.”

“How about those sharks? They were sick.”

“Nice job Miss. You’ve got this.”

It wasn’t the day I was hoping for, chaos I could struggle through to distance myself from my troubles and woes. It was so much more. I will always be thankful for that period of grace and for the knowledge that when it all becomes too much they’ll reveal the best of themselves.