Number One With A Bull-et

A legion of media stood outside the courtroom, and for good reason. Parties accusing others of copyright infringement and outright plagiarism were not uncommon, of course, but this one was… unique.

It was strange enough that not one, but two bulls had the ability to sing. Stranger still, that one of them would sing “Foreifer My Heifer”, a catchy novelty song that had gone viral. But no -the strangest thing about it was the tens of thousands of dollars to be gained from ownership of the clip.

Total Farms had initiated the suit, claiming that Toromo, their bull, had recorded the song and released it earlier in the year, before Beefree Farms’ Bennington had done so. The evidence provided so far did not tilt favour to either side. Audio and video dates were inconclusive, likely but unproven victims of tampering. Witnesses contradicted one another. Accusations shot towards one side were counteracted with other accusations.

And so far, this had been dragging on for three days.

Tiring of the debacle, Judge Kaopatti came in on day five, determined to put an end to the case. She entered the courtroom and motioned for those present to be seated. She took a sip of coffee, letting it wield its calming touch to the maelstrom in her mind. “I’m going to be honest here, gentlemen,” Judge Kaopatti said, directing her comments to the legal teams present, “so far I have not been given anything concrete that allows me to make an educated verdict for either of you.” She paused, allowing her words to sink in, before continuing. “Therefore,” she commanded, “I will dictate what I need from each of you.” The judge then turned her attention to the representatives from each of the farms. “If I may ask,” she queried, “are the bulls available to come into the courtroom?” “Yes, your honour,” the Total Farms CEO answered, while the Beefree Farms CEO responded with, “Bennington can be here within the half-hour, your honour.”

Judge Kaopatti called for a brief recess, allowing both teams to bring in their respective beasts. Calling the courtroom back in order, the judge explained what she had in mind. “This is Ms. Andrea Collins,” she said as she pointed to the new presence in the room, “Ms. Collins is a well-respected sound engineer, which you will see from the documentation I have provided for you.” Judge Kaopatti waited as both teams looked over the notes. “I have asked Ms. Collins to record both animals as an impartial party,” she continued, “so unless there are any valid reasons why this is unacceptable, I would like to move forward with this course of action.” Neither side offered up any objection to the motion. “In that case,” she said, “Mr. Jones, can you bring Tomoro forward?” The bull - a large, ebony, majestic figure - came to the microphone. “Tomoro, can you sing for us, please?” Judge Kaopatti asked. Tomoro cleared his throat and began:

I swear to you, girl, there is no udder.

You’re mine to the end, foreifer my heifer.

Judge Kaopatti thanked Tomoro and repeated the process with Bennington. Satisfied with the results, Judge Kaopatti took the recordings of both animals and addressed the courtroom. “I will retire to my chambers,” she explained, “and I will listen to these recordings, comparing them with the first verified posting of the song. Court is in recess. Please return at 2:00 pm.”

The judge entered her chambers, falling into the deep comfort of her leather desk chair. Grabbing her headphones, she began listening to the recordings. There were very slight differences between the two, she noted, virtually indistinguishable from one another, but not impossible. She wrote down her observances. One had a slightly broader range. One had a deeper timber to his voice. One pronounced “heifer” with a slight accent. Satisfied with the differences she had heard, Judge Kaopatti listened to the original posting of the viral sensation. She listened through it once, rewound and played it through in bits and pieces the second time. The judge smiled. She knew who would win the decision.

2:00 pm arrived and the parties took their seats in the courtroom. As Judge Kaopatti entered the room, those present stood until motioned to resume sitting. “I have great news, at least for one of you,” she grinned, amused by the chattering that resulted from her statement. Once the courtroom returned to silence, she said, “first, to the folks at Total and Beefree. The bulls in your care are remarkable creatures, truly unique. My decision today does not downplay just how special these animals are, and I trust that they will continue to be well looked after.” Acknowledging the nods of agreement, Judge Kaopatti turned her sharpened tongue towards the legal teams. “To the legal representatives for both the prosecution and the defense,” she spat, disappointment evident in her tone, “for the last three days you have resorted to childish retorts, presented evidence that could not be verified, and called forward witnesses that bore no impact on the case whatsoever. I demand better and expect the next time you are in my courtroom you will provide better. Is that understood?”

The downward glances and penitent assurances convinced her that her words had been heard. “Now, it was not easy,” Judge Kaopatti began explaining, “but I was able to hear subtle yet clear differences between the two voices, which I compared against the original posting. After listening closely over and over, I’ve come to the conclusion that this is…” She looked out amongst the crowd leaning towards her, waiting with bated breath for her final decision, and after taking a quick sip of her coffee she said,

“… Total bull’s hit.”