Nightmare Erotica

I've been thinking about my nightmares since I saw the challenge and realized that I do not have your typical nightmares. What are typical nightmares? I am sure you will recognize many of these listed below:

- Falling

- Being naked in public

- Getting lost

- Teeth falling out

- Being chased

- Catching fire

- Tornadoes or Hurricanes

- Drowning

- Being trapped in a dream

I have experienced several of the nightmares listed above, but I recover from those shortly after waking. My repetitive nightmare is not typical, and I am sure many of you would not categorize this dream as a nightmare at all. Although, at times, I dread the thought of going to sleep. When I doze off, my dreams so perfect in the beginning often become haunting and distressing experiences, leaving me with a lingering sense of worthlessness and guilt the next day.

To understand my nightmare, you must first understand a little about my history of failed relationships. When friends ask me about my past relationships and why they ended, my stock answer is that the only common factor in all my failed relationships is ME.

Initially, I was 100% committed and gave my all to the person I was with until he expected me to be monogamous, and I always agreed. Then I feel trapped. It feels like I am in prison, and the only way I will ever feel like myself again is to escape. Then I run, leaving broken hearts in my wake.

In my dreams, I often find myself in a warm and tropical setting, feeling confident and exuding a youthful glow. The attention from men around me boosts my confidence, and I bask in the admiration like a dry sponge soaking up water. I no longer experience this feeling in my waking moments, and it's exhilarating in my dreams. However, there's a lingering feeling that I should feel intruded upon or offended by the attention, but I don't.

Suddenly, in the crowd, I spot someone from my past. Although the specific characters change, the scenario stays the same. The man is always someone I've wronged in some way, yet he approaches me with forgiveness and desire in his eyes. This juxtaposition of forgiveness and longing creates an emotional whirlwind within me. My passion is intense, only overshadowed by the feeling that this person, this person that I wronged, has forgiven me and wants me not only sexually but back in his life.

He softly touches my cheek and kisses me gently and then more passionately. Only one man in my life has ever kissed me like that, but in these dreams, each man kisses me just like he did, and it feels both comfortably familiar and stimulating. He slowly puts his arms around me and pulls me closer, and I can feel his desire for me growing emotionally and physically.

I feel such peace as he lets me know all is forgiven, and although no words are spoken, my guilt is replaced by love—not so much my love for him but his for me. It is that which I desire more than anything—the feeling that all is well and forgiven in my romantic life again.

Sleep should be restful, and 'soothing dreams' can help you rest and repower after a stressful day. Everything about my repetitive dream says 'soothing,' right? It is anything but. It reminds me of what I have lost over and over again. It reminds me that I have never learned from my mistakes and have continued to repeat them, and at this stage in my life, I do not deserve and may not be given the opportunity for love again.

There are times when the dream becomes erotic. The man in question cannot contain his lust for me, and no matter what I have done in the past, it evaporates as I am enveloped in his arms, and our desire for one another forgives all past transgressions. Then, I experience an intense orgasm. I wonder if other women have experienced a dream-state orgasm or if I am an anomaly. I have never had the nerve to ask another woman, but Google says it is more common as you age (go figure).

This is when this blissful experience becomes a nightmare. The fear sets in right after my orgasm and before I awake as I realize that none of it is real and never will be. I have given up trying to change my aversion to commitment and have pulled away from all relationships because I know what will ultimately happen.

While the dream does not start as a nightmare, the resulting fear is painful and does not stop after I wake up. All day and for a few days after, I continue to feel overwhelming guilt and a sense of loss. I miss the feeling of romantic love so much more after these dreams. I want my feelings at the beginning of this dream to continue, but that is never the case. I do my best to put my past in the past until my subconscious betrays me and reminds me of all I have lost.

While I love the initial feeling of forgiveness, love, and lust, in the end, all these nightmares do is make me build higher and stronger walls not to protect myself but to protect others from me.