Never Surrender

A lot can happen in a minute. In fact, in the last sixty seconds over two hundred babies were born in the world and almost half will spend the first years of their lives in poverty. Over one hundred people died in that same minute and at least one died of the Big C. That one cause of death no one likes to talk about, because saying its name out loud might give it power or somehow invite it into our lives.

I did my best not to think about it when the mammography center called and left a message for me. “We would appreciate it if you could come by at your next earliest convenience to talk to Doctor So-and-So. We just need a minute of your time.” They could not disclose the results this time, but as this had been my third mammogram in less than a month, to “take a closer look at a concerning area in the tissue of my breast,” it did not feel like that minute was going to be full of particularly good news.

The Big C tried to invade my thoughts, even though I had been waiting for the call and had been hoping for a much different message. I did my best to push it away and ignore it, but there has been history in my family and the worry did not want to go away. Sitting in the office waiting for the doctor to come in ramped things up. The image of the spot in question ramped up my worry and anxiety even higher.

In that minute, my heart had beat near out of my chest as the doctor droned about next steps. The pulse meter on my watch flashed 132 and I tried to regulate my breathing to bring it back down. The doctor noticed and asked if I was okay, as if I had just sneezed.

I lied of course. “I’m fine.”

Are we ever fine, those of us who have sat in that moment listening to words like “biopsy,” “surgery” and the percentage of people who progress to higher stages, other treatments, other options?

In that single minute I have already cycled through the stages of grief at least once – anger, denial, depression, bargaining. It is just the tip of the iceberg I have already decided. The news will hit me again later, perhaps when I least expect it. I will look back and rage again. I will cry. I will make bargains – I will give up X if this just goes away. Then I will, as I always do when big, nasty things like this come into my life, I will throw up my middle finger or stick out my tongue because there are two things I will not do.

I will not forget the tiniest detail of that one minute of my life. It has changed me. Changed my perspective on life. More importantly, it has changed my priorities and my self-worth.

Second, I will not stop fighting. I will never, ever just give up to it and surrender.

I will survive this.