Narcotic Aftershave and Mutant Puppies

Dear Colleagues

On days like this, I am reminded of some of our greatest nasal poets. The complex textured landscape of their olfactory oration both inspires and delights, pulling the sniffer further in towards the central truth concealed within. In keeping with this higher sense of peace, I will do my best to avoid any mention of the School beginning with the letter E.

Prohibited goods on campus

To my great embarrassment, after having written more than half the newsletter under the impression that my physical being had achieved a higher state of consciousness and connected with my spiritual self on a transcendental level, I have found a far more prosaic explanation.

Effective immediately, all narcotic aftershave is banned. Completely. Everywhere. Regardless of how in fashion it is.

The Legal Team inform me that I cannot retrospectively apply this new University policy and associated punishments. Fortunately, the University Archivist’s Collective is more accommodating and has managed to locate analogous disciplinary measures in an existing policy.

For the protocol breach of failing to come forth bearing offerings of pickled dates and a succulent goose to an audience with the Provost after the passing of the noon, all members of the Department of Marketing delegation who visited me before I started writing this newsletter will be suspended by their toes in the cafeteria courtyard for a week and have their estates divided amongst their yeomen. As an Applied Anachronist, I am very pleased with this punishment.

Errata

According to the Marketing Team (the trusted executive advisors as opposed to the Department of Marketing, the hallucinogen-sodden academics), I did not write half of the newsletter prior to sobering up either.

However, as the entire anecdote above is polling outrageously well in all the market segments that I apparently need to connect with (which, to my surprise, seems to be all of them), I have been advised to leave the above account intact and correct errors of fact in this erratum.

I admit that the subtleties of marketing sometimes defeat me, but I trust the Marketing Team’s professional judgement.

School of Engineering Update

The tireless work of the Inquiry continues, with the Chief Inquisitor of Audit having now interrogated an impressive 87% of all sentient life in the solar system. The significant jump in percentage completion was caused by a definitional oversight. The previous percentage was calculated on the last solar system census, which, of course, included several highly populated planets that were atomized when the School of Engineering student project exploded.

The Director of Forensic Librarianship has now reanimated and interrogated an unbelievable 92% of the deceased, including most Heads of Department, several Associate and Assistant Deans and at least one Deputy Provost. A stunning achievement in a mere two weeks!

The Director insisted that I make a special point of mentioning their dedicated technicians and acolytes who tirelessly perform the majority of the work in the reanimations and interrogations, respectively. Without the hard work of these dedicated professionals, our investigations would still be constrained by the laws of nature, and we would probably never learn the truth. We praise your efforts. There will be season passes to all HF&M Ball home games waiting for you on your return.

New Research Centres Openings

Last week it was my pleasure to clone myself and have my clones attend the opening of over 700 major new research centres and projects across all University systems, asteroid belts and shared territories.

It was disappointing that several of my clones were damaged, injured, or rendered otherwise unserviceable during protests at the opening of several of our more controversial centres. A bit of rough-and-tumble is to be expected when you become Provost, so no reprisals or retaliatory action will be initiated at this time.

We also extend our deepest sympathies to the families and loved ones of both the visiting school groups, and the staff, at the Centre for Weaponizing Mysterious Alien Artefacts. We believe they all perished in the usual manner (i.e., horribly) while trying to splice MAA DNA into a puppy earlier this week.

If any staff somehow survived the carnage and happen to be reading this newsletter, congratulations, you are in all likelihood now the most senior staff member of your Centre. If you can find a way to let us know you are alive, the central Human Resources Team will process your promotion and ensure your salary (including back pay) is adjusted in the next payroll run. Please also expect representatives of the Chief Inquisitor of Audit and the Animal Ethics Committee to be in touch. There are many issues to discuss.

Until next week.

The 293rd First Provost (Acting).

Next: Engineers At Large (Coming Soon)

Previous: Let the Interrogations Begin