Let the Interrogations Begin

Dear Colleagues

It is hard to believe that my first update was only ten days ago. Like many of the older generation, I remember the twelve-day weeks of my youth fondly. Today’s students must cram so much more into a ten day week than we ever did. I admire their dedication.

This week’s newsletter is once again dominated by the Engineering incident. Campus life does, however, go on, and we need to acknowledge that and celebrate it. As a University, we are more than the gross negligence of one recidivist School.

The Engineering Incident

In a special Executive Leadership Team briefing via the University’s private deep space communications relays, the joint heads of the internal investigation, the Director of Forensic Librarianship and the Chief Inquisitor of Audit, delivered their preliminary report.

With the blessing of the Infinity University Protectorate Division, the Chief Inquisitor has so far interrogated 11% of all sentient life in the solar system where the non-authorised School of Engineering project exploded.

The Director of Forensic Librarianship has re-animated and interrogated 39% of the deceased but cautions that no Engineering executive staff are included in that figure. Apparently, there is a significant amount of viscera to process before any of the Engineering executive can be safely returned to life for questioning.

The results, while by no means conclusive, seem to strongly indicate that the classification of the project as a “student project” was a ruse conceived by School of Engineering staff to take advantage of favourable labour costs and minimise central scrutiny of the build.

Unlike the many Schools that value their students’ lives, Engineering requires that student projects are only overseen by engineers.

This model of self-governance has now been rescinded. By the time you read this, communication Compliance Special Operations Forces will have seized control of all your School’s student projects.

I apologise for any casualties or inconvenience.

Legal team staff reductions

An unforeseen upside of the Engineering Incident has been an almost 83% drop in legal actions against the University.

The Head of the Legal Team advises that the majority of the Team has signed on to our Voluntary Stasis Program. They will remain in stasis until such time as the University acquires either another source of regular lawsuits or a School of Engineering. Whichever comes first.

HF&M Ball Teams update

I was overwhelmed by the spontaneous outpouring of joy that the news of our HF&M Ball teams’ continued incarceration was greeted with. The messages of support for our student sporting leaders were clearly heartfelt and leave me confident that we, as a University community, will emerge from this unpleasantness stronger than ever before.

I would remind people that the teams’ time behind bars was fortuitous, but the incident has now passed us by. We will not gain more good fortune by leaving them there any longer. I would have thought this would be obvious, but I am cognizant that Common is not everyone’s first language, and its subtleties can sometimes be lost in translation.

As such, I ask anyone displaying a ‘Let’s get luckier and leave them there’ sticker to please remove it as a mark of our respect towards our elite athletes.

Humono Week

And now to a cause close to my heart. As recently as a week ago, our annual preparations for Humono Week would have opened this communication had I been writing it. I understand that my learned colleague and predecessor had other interests and priorities, so it is my pleasure to redress this now.

Humono started as a speciesist joke marketing campaign run by the University during a less enlightened epoch when moustaches were considered the height of fashion.

A concatenation of the first syllable of Human with the acronym for ‘or nearest offer’, the marketing campaign was wildly successful in attracting more moustachioed human students but set us back millennia in the lucrative sulphur and slime-based lifeform markets.

During the financial crisis of the last century, the University recognised the true value of diversity and opened its doors to our differently-based galactic neighbours. We established the School of Alien Intelligence on one of the premier unallocated asteroids of the inner, outer system. The facility was personally opened by the Vice Chancellor’s Third Apprentice Executive Assistant, who also presented them with their own branded stationery.

My predecessor seriously considered attending last year’s celebration but was called away at the last minute to open a new ion weapon manufacturing facility. With the benefit of hindsight, this seems a little more significant now than it did at the time.

Having grown up amongst other species, as the child of one of the first human ambassadors to a slime-based planet, I plan to radically alter our approach to Humono Week celebrations this year. More will be revealed closer to the date.

Well wishes and support

I have been deeply moved by the many communications of congratulations and gratitude for both taking on the position of Acting Provost and not being an Engineer. As I have travelled around the campus systems, staff sentiment seems optimistic and the mood correspondingly buoyant on every planet I visit.

The students are, if anything, even more enthusiastic. I have witnessed several spontaneous VE (Victory over Engineering) celebrations, many of which I believe are still going. University Catering is fast-tracking moonshine production, and University Estates has reported that it is now impossible to find a single traffic cone throughout any University system.

The University Executive Leadership Team will issue an official advisory on these impromptu events to Schools and Departments later today. Senior leaders should be prepared for this announcement, so we remind you that the Compliance Special Operations Forces have a limited supply of armoured vehicles fitted with water cannons. Any School requiring additional armour should contact the Requisitions Officer sooner rather than later.

Until next week.

The 293rd First Provost (Acting).

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