Nameless

Tonight, the nightmares come for me again. 

I know they’re coming even before they arrive. I know how they feel.

I’m asleep, but I’m awake; aware of the quickening of my breath, the stiffening of my arms, the sweat that begins to bead across my brow. I try, I try so hard to escape them. I strain against my own mind, struggling desperately to change the path I’m on. But the path is dark, and it swallows me whole. It drags me down, kicking and screaming, to the depths of Hell. And there, my pain devours me.

I awake in tears, my face salty, swollen, and stinging. I don’t have to touch my eyes to know they’re red and puffy. I know how I look after an episode. I lie quietly for a minute, focusing on my breath- on calming my heart. Around me, it is dark. Not yet sunrise. I can hear Dad downstairs in the kitchen, and I’m surprised enough to be distracted. He and Frey are usually long gone by now. He’s grinding coffee beans, and the rich, dark smell begins to waft up to my room.

From my bed, pushed deep into the corner of the attic- I can see across my small room to the window on the opposite wall. The darkness of the night is beginning to wane. Nightmares aside, I should hurry.

I clamber out of my bed. I dress quickly, splashing my face with cold water from the basin atop my shabby dresser. I avoid looking into the mirror behind it. Grabbing my bag from its usual place, dropped across the dusty wooden floor, I sling it over my shoulder and clamber down the ladder that connects my attic room from the kitchen downstairs. Dad is leaning against the kitchen table, steaming mug in hand. I can feel his eyes watching me.

“Why aren’t you at work?” I ask, busying myself with the strap on my satchel. I keep my face turned away from him.

“Frey heard you last night,” he says softly.

I’m barely able to suppress my groan. Of course, of course Frey with his Fae hearing heard me thrashing around last night. I turn to face my father. I resent how his brow crinkles with concern at the sight of my face. I resent looking like I do right now.

“I’m fine,” I mumble. “Is that coffee?”

He hands over a cup wordlessly, and watches as I sip the warm, comforting liquid. The heat of it seeps into me, calming my fragile nerves, soothing the rawness I feel. I turn my face from him, and concentrate on my cup, the feeling of the rough clay in my hands. I offer a small, silent plea that he won’t push. The plea goes unheard. 

“Tora?” Dad asks quietly.

I exhale slowly, lowering my cup . It suddenly seems incredibly dainty and fragile between my clenched fingers. The room is too small. 

“I’m fine Dad,” my voice is low, tired. I risk a look up at him, and I wish I hadn’t. His eyes are pure concern for me, his last daughter, and I hate it.

“Rune-” he starts.

“I have to go,” I slam the cup on the counter, “or we’ll both be late for work.” As I hurry from the small apartment, I tell myself I’m not fleeing. 

In the cool of pre-dawn, I slow down as I cross the courtyard outside the house. I cross from the rows of houses at the back of the military barracks, and pass through the gateway that separates the sleeping quarters from the training area. Despite the early hour, the training yard is half full. Fae, Warlock, Elf, and human, putting themselves through their warm up routines.​​ Puffs of breath are left hanging in the cool air, as they jump, lunge, skip, and flip through complicated routines. I hurry on, keeping to the shadows.

On the far end of the yard, Frey is deep in discussion with two others. They’re too far away for me to decipher who they are, but I know that Frey’s Fae sight and hearing mean he’s aware of my crossing the yard. He was probably aware of my movements before I even left the house.

I hug closer to the shadows, and slink around the yard, as far from my father’s Bonded as I can, and enter the Castle from a small door set in the yard wall. This is a server’s entrance, leading into the dark, quiet, burrows of corridors for servers. It is busy, with faces I don’t know, and that suits me just fine.

I hurry through the halls from where I entered on the west to the eastern side, conscious of the time ticking by. Eventually, I make it to the easternmost point of the Castle. Nodding at the guards by the tower door, I slip through and begin to ascend.