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My Favorite _________

farce (noun) /färs/ – a comic dramatic work using buffoonery and horseplay

By Marco den OudenPublished 2 years ago Updated 2 years ago 14 min read
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My Favorite _________
Photo by The Matter of Food on Unsplash

The local cable access station created a game show of sorts a while ago called My Favorite Blank. That was how it was generally referred to as the last word changed from show to show. Each show had a theme and three guests were drawn by lot each week to participate in the next show. It so happened that recently, the subject was sandwiches. Oh! The show is about to begin. Let’s join the host, Monty Spellbinder.

“Hello ladies and gentlemen! Monty Spellbinder here with another great episode of My Favorite Blank! Today, as you can see from the sign lit up at the back of the studio, it’s My Favorite Sandwich.

“As you know, last week we drew three names out of a hat and our three guests today will compete for a prize of $500.

“Yes! Yes! I know what you’re thinking. I sure hope we don’t have a repeat of last week’s fiasco on My Favorite Country. We had specified any country but your own, and all three of our guests plumped for Canada as their favorite country. Well who can blame them? Am I right folks? Am I right? Yes! Yes! Let’s give it up for Canada!”

After the applause died down, Spellbinder continued. “Much as we love Canada, let’s hope we don’t get three identical sandwiches! Can you imagine if every one of our contestants did peanut butter and jelly! Now let’s welcome our first guest, a student from the University of the Fraser Valley studying culinary arts and criminology. Samantha VanderKoop.

“You know the rules, Samantha. You’ve brought your ingredients from home and you are going to make your sandwich right here in front of our studio audience. Each of the other two will follow, and then a panel selected from the audience will taste each sandwich and vote on their favorite. Come on up here. Let’s hear it for Samantha.”

Ms. VanderKoop was a shy, mousy young woman who kept looking down as she brought her box of ingredients to the center stage counter. She looked a bit frightened but her nerves calmed somewhat as she took the ingredients out and began.

“M..m..my favorite sandwich,” she stammered, “is peanut butter and jam.”

“Thank god it’s not peanut butter and jelly,” quipped Spellbinder.

The shy girl did not like the host and gave him as much of an evil eye as a shy girl can muster, as she continued.

“You have to have fresh bread to make it. Not just a commercial loaf, but an artisan French loaf. White bread. Fresh.”

She looked down the whole time she spoke. She pulled the cutting board towards her, unwrapped the bread and placed it in front of her. She pulled the bread knife out of the butcher block.

“Now we slice the loaf in half. We want two good size slices from the middle for our sandwich. Slices near the end are too small.

“Now we butter both slices. Some may ask why butter the bread when peanut butter is a spread. Why not just slather it on? Well, it makes a difference. Butter adds a certain something to the taste.

“Now we have to apply the peanut butter. The brand does make a difference. I don’t like the so-called natural peanut butter as it is always too oily. If the peanut butter is not homogenized, it just doesn’t cut it.”

Her confidence was building as she continued and she actually looked up at the audience and smiled.

“I am partial to JIF peanut butter,” she added. “Although Kraft is pretty good too. And I like to use crunchy peanut butter. It’s….”

A pause. “Crunchier!” she giggled at her attempt at dry wit. A slight chuckle from the crowd added to her confidence.

“You have to spread it on thick. Don’t be a cheapskate when it comes to peanut butter. There’s no such thing as too much peanut butter.”

She slathered the two slices with the PB and looked at the audience again. Someone fidgeted and she quickly looked down again.

“Now for the jam. It’s got to be apricot or raspberry. Today I brought both and we’re going to use both. And again, brand is important. I use Smucker’s or E.D. Smith. Both are just so yummy.”

She added a layer of E.D. Smith apricot jam to one slice of bread and a layer of Smucker’s raspberry jam to the other.

“Now,” she continued, looking at the audience again. “We have the two halves of our sandwich. Let’s bring them together like so…. And there you have it, the perfect sandwich.”

The audience applauded and she sat down. Spellbinder introduced the next contestant. “Please welcome a homemaker and podcaster, Jasmine Khan. Ms. Khan hosts the popular podcast, All About Friends. Let’s give her a warm My Favorite Blank welcome.

The audience could tell right away that they had a live wire in Ms. Khan. Some were familiar with her sassy podcast, all about the TV sitcom Friends. Khan billed herself as the show’s biggest fan. She bounced up to center stage. No hesitancy at all. She relished the spotlight and took to it like the proverbial duck to water.

“Hey people!”

She cupped a hand to her ear and turned her head. And the audience responded, “Hey Jasmine!”

“Oh I like you people already! Have I got a sandwich for you! Oh yeah! Not just a sandwich but the best sandwich you’ve ever tasted! Yessiree! You know what I call it?”

“Tell us,” someone in the audience shouted out.

“The Geller! Oh yeah! You know what I mean. Yes, it’s Ross’s sandwich, the left-over turkey sandwich with the moist maker. Oh I can sense you’re drooling already! Keep those salivary glands working folks because this sandwich is lip-smacking good!"

She pulled the ingredients out of the box in front of her and set them neatly on the counter.

“You know Friends had quite a few episodes about food. Not surprising since Monica was a chef, after all. Remember when she got a job to create some recipes for some ersatz chocolate called mockolate? Oh that was a funny one!

“Or how about the time she was getting interviewed for a new job and the restaurant manager asked her to make a salad. Remember that? He was a bit of a perv and put an off-color spin on everything. ‘Is that lettuce dirty?’ he asked and Mon said she was going to wash it. And he said he liked it dirty. And then he asked if the tomatoes were firm. And let out a soft moan when Mon said she was going to slice them Julienne. That was so funny. Short bit. But funny! With a capital F! But I’m getting away from the sandwich at hand.

“Remember Ross was just about to get his second divorce and someone at work stole his sandwich from the fridge. Someone ate the only good thing I had in my life, he complains.

“But back to the sandwich. Left-over thanksgiving turkey. You just take two ordinary slices of bread like this. I like brown bread, by the way, but whatever turns your crank, ok? It doesn’t really matter. Because it’s not the outer shell of the sandwich that counts. The sandwich is in layers.

“Speaking of layers, remember that recipe Rachel got totally screwed up because two pages of the recipe book got stuck together? She was making an English trifle and it had layers of lady fingers, custard, strawberries and whipped cream, remember? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh, I’m sorry folks for breaking down and laughing so hard, that episode just cracked me up.

“Two pages of the recipe book got stuck and she added a layer of meat, mashed potatoes and peas, remember? Everybody was trying to get rid of their dessert without letting on except… oh yeah! You know it! That Joey, he’d eat anything! He loved it! Custard…mmmmm good. Jam ….. Mmmmmmmmm good. Meat…..mmmmmmmm good. What’s not to like? That Joey! What a card!

“But as I said, layers are important. In trifle AND in the Geller sandwich the middle layer is the most important. First let’s add a layer of turkey on each slice. Let’s put some white meat on this one…. And some dark meat on that one… OK!

“Now the middle layer! I said it was MOST important. I should have said MOIST important. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! MOIST important! Get it! Ross called the middle layer the moist maker, remember? Monica would soak a slice of bread in the gravy and make it the middle layer of the sandwich.

“Here… let’s zap some gravy in this microwave. Zap! Zap! Zap! Ding! Ding! Ding! It’s ready! You only need to zap it thirty seconds at most. Look at the steam rising off it. Can that camera come in for a close-up of this gravy? Oh yeah! That’s what I’m talking about.

“OK… let’s soak that slice of bread. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm! Yum! Yum! Yummy in the tummy! OK. We add this slice on top of the white meat here. Now we quickly flip the other slice over onto the moist maker and voila! Now that’s a sandwich. The Geller. Invented by Monica and heartily consumed by Ross. When it didn’t get stolen.

“Remember the end of that show, when the dean is telling Ross he has anger issues? And, what a fool, he confesses he took Ross’s sandwich! Remember that!”

At that point Jasmine held the sandwich up high just like the baboon held Simba up to display him at Pride Rock in The Lion King and, in her best Ross Geller imitation, she cried out, “My sandwich! My sandwich!”

The audience roared and got up on its feet and gave her a standing ovation.

Jasmine sat down and Spellbinder introduced the next guest. “Well, that was some performance, Ms. Khan! Now our next presenter hails from Burnaby and is a professor of philosophy at Simon Fraser University. He specializes in the philosophy of science and has an interest in astrophysics. Let’s have a warm My Favorite Blank welcome for Melvin Mergatroyd Manson.”

Manson strode confidently up to the island at stage center carrying his box of ingredients.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I bet you didn’t know that the history of the sandwich goes back to biblical times? You probably thought, as most everyone does, that it began with the Earl of Sandwich. Common mistake, folks.

“It really goes back much farther. Back in ancient Babylon, a hundred years before the birth of Christ, the Jewish scholar Hillel the Elder is said to have wrapped lamb and herbs in matzah, arguably creating the first sandwich!

“But the sandwich I am making today is a more modern sandwich. It’s a French sandwich introduced in Paris cafes around 1910 and first mentioned in literature in Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past. Yes it’s the croque monsieur!”

“What a crock!” came a heckle from the audience. The crowd chuckled and Melvin steamed.

“Who said that? Who said that? Mr. Spellbinder, I demand that rude person be removed from the audience!”

No one knew who said it, or if they did, they weren’t saying.

Melvin continued. “A few years ago I came across my first croque monsieur at a downtown bistro called The Bistro. It was the best sandwich I ever ate. It consisted of the traditional French sandwich, a sort of glorified grilled ham and cheese, but they had it sitting in a flat stainless steel pan in a steaming bechamel sauce. It was so good.

“Even though I scouted around Paris on a visit a few years ago I never found it made quite the same way. So ladies and gentlemen, today I am going to replicate the Bistro Croque Monsieur!”

“What a crock!” came the heckle again.

“Stop that! Stop it at once, I say!”

After a bit of huffing and puffing out his chest, Melvin continued.

“First you cut a couple of slices from some brioche bread. Then you put some boiled ham and some cheeses - French cheeses, of course, Emmental or Gruyere, between the slices.

“Now you sprinkle some grated cheese on top and add a dash of pepper. Now we’re going to roast this in the oven for five minutes while I make the bechamel sauce.

“Did you know the French word croquer means to bite or crunch? And monsieur, of course, means mister. So a croque monsieur means ‘bite, mister’ or ‘have a bite, mister.’ It’s an invitation to sample this tasty treat.”

“Bite me, Manson!” came the retort from his tormenter in the audience.

“I know that’s you, Hanson! I know that voice! Stop that! Stop that this minute, I say!”

Of course, the studio lights were so bright he could not make out any distinct faces in the audience. So he huffed and continued.

“I’ve got my own secret recipe for bechamel sauce, with the right blend of herbs and cheeses to make it irresistible.

“Did you know that if you cook up a croque monsieur in egg batter and fried butter you get a Monte Cristo sandwich?

“Oh, and I mentioned the Earl of Sandwich earlier. While he didn’t invent the sandwich, he gave it its name. It was the Fourth Earl of Sandwich by the way. John Montagu. The 18th century aristocrat once asked his valet to get him some meat between two slices of bread. Others in the room overheard him and said, ‘I’ll have what Sandwich is having.’ And so meat between slices of bread became known as the sandwich. The historian Edward Gibbon first used the word in his journal.”

The bechamel sauce was simmering nicely and Melvin took the sandwich from the oven, plopped it into the sauce, making sure it covered all the bread, and put the pan back on the stove.

“We’ll let this simmer for a few minutes, giving it time to soak up the sauce. I have to say, you might compare the bechamel sauce to Ms. Khan’s moist maker. A croque monsieur without the sauce is pretty dry and unpalatable. But with the sauce, it’s the best.

“And it’s ready! Croquez avec moi!”

“Is that ‘bite me’ in French?” came the heckle.

Spellbinder thanked Melvin and then called up the pre-selected panel of judges. Each took a bite of each sandwich. They all rubbed their tummies and said “Mmmmmmmmmmm!” But for all their fancy pants recipes, the judges preferred simplicity. The peanut butter and jam won.

Melvin was outraged. Ms. Khan was bemused and laughed about it. And the winner, Samantha VanderKoop was embarrassed. She couldn’t believe she won. And she blushed profusely when Spellbinder gave her the gift certificate and a small trophy.

Be sure to check out my other stories on Vocal!

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  • Blockhead! – a story on overcoming writer's block with a twist ending
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  • The Ugly Duckling - the classic tale retold in the style of Edgar Allen Poe's The Raven
  • Little Red Riding Hood – the classic children's story retold in the style of Alfred Noyes' epic poem The Highwayman

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About the Creator

Marco den Ouden

Marco is the published author of two books on investing in the stock market. Since retiring in 2014 after forty years in broadcast journalism, Marco has become an avid blogger on philosophy, travel, and music He also writes short stories.

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