Moscow Calling - 7

This conversation took place on February 21, 2022, after Putin made a statement on official recognition of independence of Ukraine’s rogue regions of Donetsk and Luhansk.

“Hello, Donnie?” (sounds angry)

“Yes, Vlad.”

“What the f…, Donnie? Why did you say I was invading Ukraine?”

“What? I never said that, Vlad, where did you get that?”

“Oh, c’mon, Donnie. Don’t play these games with me! I have your statement right in front of me!” (Getting angrier)

“What statement?”

“Are you kidding me, Donnie? The one that states, let me quote you here, ‘I was busy destroying ISIS, building the greatest economy America had ever seen, brokering Peace deals, making sure Russia didn’t attack Ukraine,’ blah-blah-blah. And then it says, at the end, ‘Now, Russia is invading Ukraine.’ What the hell, Donnie?”

“Did I really say that, Vlad? When?”

“What do you mean, when? Don’t you keep track of your own shit, Donnie?”

“We’ll, I’m looking through my records now and am not finding anything like that.”

“Are you f*cking with me, Donnie? This has your official statement on top of it, and why would I make this up?”

“I’m not saying you made it up, maybe it’s a bad translation?”

“I have the best translators in the world, Donnie, you know that. Besides, I have enough English to read this in the original. That’s exactly what your statement said, I quoted it verbatim.”

“Ver… what?”

“Verbatim, Donnie, means word for word.”

“Well, I’m still not seeing it… wait a second, I found it!” (Mouths the statement to himself) “Oh, I see what you mean. I had to say that, Vlad.”

“What do you mean, you had to?”

“To sound credible, that’s why I mentioned Russia Hoax and phony impeachments. Besides, I needed to get this investigation of me holding the presidential papers off my back.”

“Not cool, Donnie. Not cool. Why did you have to say I was ‘invading’ Ukraine? Couldn’t you have used another word?”

“You used it a million times yourself, Vlad, when you called me for advice about Biden.”

“I didn’t need your advice, Donnie. What a stupid thing to say! I called you to keep our relationship going, because you were stalking me, getting offended that I hadn’t called you, like a little schoolgirl head over hills in love with me or something…”

“Oh. I didn’t realize you felt that way.” (Sounds offended, holds a pause, shuffling through his papers) “Why now, Vlad?”

“Why now what?”

“Why are you calling me about this now? I made that statement on the 18th, three days ago.”

“What?” (Check the date). “Oh my God, it WAS indeed on the 18th! I can’t trust Naryshkin even with giving me the security briefing on time!”

“Nar… who?”

“Naryshkin, my national security idiot who blurted out today in front of the whole world that we were going to annex Donbass and Luhansk and include them into Russia! Oh, how mad he made me!”

“See, you ARE going to invade Ukraine then!”

“Yes, but on my own terms and my own time! I don’t need you and Naryshkin blabber about this to the whole world! Ruins the element of surprise! And now I will look like an idiot if I DON’T invade Ukraine!”

“So you were not going to invade then? I’m confused, Vlad.”

“I can see that!” To the side, “because you are a fucking idiot!” To Trump, “what’s so confusing, Donnie?”

“Are you invading Ukraine, Vlad?”

“Right now? Of course not!”

“When, then?”

“I was going to do it tomorrow.”

“Hmmm, why tomorrow? Because you promised Xi to do it after his Olympics are over?”

“No, although that too, but mostly because of the magic of numbers. ”

“What magic?”

“The 22nd of February, Donnie. Twenty-two, zero two, two thousand twenty-two.”

“Ah, see, we use month first, so it’s zero two, twenty-two, twenty twenty-two. Not so magical.”

“You Americans do everything not like normal people.”

“That makes us unique, I guess” (chuckles).

“Or idiots.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing, Donnie. I have to go now. I have a country to invade, a day earlier than planned, because of you and other idiots. Good-bye.”

Trump, looking at the phone, incredulous, “Did he just call me an idiot?”