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Calling Moscow - 8

Friends Exchanging Party Calls

By Lana V LynxPublished 12 months ago 5 min read
2
By Ukrainian political cartoonist Oleh Smal

This conversation took place on February 6, 2022

“Hello, Vlad?”

“Yes, who is it?” (shouting through sounds of a loud party in the background)

“What do you mean, who is it? It’s me!”

“It’s me, who?”

“Are you messing with me, Vlad? It’s me!”

“Nope, I’m not messing with you. So who are you?”

“It’s me, Donald!”

“Oh, Donald! Donald who?”

“C’mon, Vlad, how many Donalds do you know?”

“Let’s see, Donald McDonald, Donald Duck, Donald Sutherland, great actor, by the way…”

“It’s Ronald McDonald, not Donald.”

“Wait, but you just said you were Donald…” (slurring his words)

“Yes, I’m Donald. McDonald is Ronald, not Donald.”

“Now I’m confused. If McDonald is not Donald, who are you then?”

“I’m Donald J. Trump. Are you drunk, Vlad?”

“Who, me?” (snorts laughing) “No, of course not, I told you I never get drunk. I just wanted to hear you say your name: Donald J. Trump. So posh!” (chuckles).

“You sound like you are drunk, Vlad.”

“I’m not drunk, Donnie. I just had chut’-chut’, just a little bit of the best vodka in the world, for a special occasion.”

“Oh yeah, what’s that?”

“Vodka? It’s Russian alcohol, of course. We invented vodka! It’s called Putinka, can you imagine they even named vodka after me!”

“No, I mean what’s the special occasion? You know I don’t drink and don’t care for alchohol.”

“Too bad, Donnie, I think you would have liked my vodka.”

“Sure, if I tried it, probably, which I won’t. What’s the special occasion, Vlad?”

“Why all the questions, Donnie? Can’t I just have a little bit of fun sometimes?”

“Of course you can! So what’s the occasion?”

“The winter Olympic Games, Donnie, in Beijing!”

“Oh my God, Vlad, are you with Xi?”

“Yes, we are having a grand party!”

“A party? With Xi? How could you, Vlad?”

“What do you mean, how could I? I came here for the opening ceremony and liked it so much I decided to stay. It’s so much fun! We’ve been partying for four days, or maybe five, I’ve lost count.”

“I watched the opening ceremony on TV and saw you there, Vlad. But I thought you already went back home.”

“That’s what everyone thinks, Donnie, don’t tell anyone or I’ll be busted. I’m just hanging with Xi. So much fun!”

“So, are you friends with him now, Vlad?” (pouting)

“Friends? With whom?”

“Xi.”

“We’ve always been friends, Donnie. Not the kind like you and I are friends, though…”

“Oh yeah, so what kind then?”

“Well, it’s more strategic: I hate Biden, Xi doesn’t love him…”

“I hate Biden, too.”

“I know, Donnie, it’s not like it’s a big secret. I want Ukraine back, Xi wants Taiwan back…”

“I want the White House back…”

“Not the same thing, Donnie, but Ok. China is a new superpower and Russia is an old superpower, and together we want to show the world who is the master of the house.”

“And I want to make America great again, again!”

“See, we all can be friends.”

“So you are partying with Xi now?”

“Parting or plotting, or parting AND plotting, even I’m not sure at this point.”

“Without me?” (Pouting)

“It’s not like you were not invited, Donnie. Xi told me that he had sent you a personal invitation to come.”

“To China, COVID Central? No, thank you. I’ve had it once, it was so nasty I though I would die. So thank you, but no thank you.”

“I’ve had it twice, Donnie, and I’m still here.”

“What??? You’ve had COVID twice? I never knew.”

“No one did, except for my doctors. It’s top secret, I didn’t want my people to freak out. So please don’t tell anyone.”

“Alright, Vlad.”

“No, seriously, Donnie, promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

“Even Melania?”

“Even Melania,” to the side “She already knows anyway.”

“Ok, Vlad, I promise.”

“Good, Donnie, thank you. By the way, there’s no COVID here at the Olympics, Xi is doing a great job of keeping it away.”

“Who told you so?”

“Xi.”

“He lies, Vlad. He lied to WHO and the whole world about COVID.”

“He won’t lie to me, Donnie.”

“How can you be so sure, Vlad?”

“Because I have Novichok.” (Sinister chuckle.) “But seriously, if we dictators cannot trust each other, who else can we trust?”

“I see. So what are you plotting about?”

“Plotting?”

“Yes, you just said you were partying and plotting.”

“Did I?”

“Yes. I’m not deaf, Vlad, and not drunk either.”

“Neither am I.”

“So, what are you plotting about?”

“Seriously, why all the questions, Donnie?”

“Maybe I’m a little bit jealous that you are plotting without me?”

“Jealous? You have nothing to be jealous about, Donnie. I told you it was strategic, but if you must know, we were deciding if we should take back Ukraine and Taiwan right after the Olympics or wait a little, one after another or together at once, and all those things.”

“And what did you decide?”

“Nothing yet, we are still plotting. You caught us in the middle,” (chuckles).

A sound of door opening, loud music, and a male voice, “Mr. President, they are waiting for you.”

Trump, “I’ll be there in a minute!”

Putin, “Sounds like you are having a party of your own, Donnie?”

“It’s just a little fundraiser, Vlad, I’ve invited some rich suckers to Mar-a-Lago.”

“Fundraiser for what?”

“My presidential campaign.”

“Oh, wow, Donnie, so you decided to run again? To make America great again, again?”

“Not yet, but these suckers don’t know it. They hope I will run and ready to give me their millions.”

“That’s genius, Donnie! Milk them while you can?”

“Yes. I’m good at that.”

“That I know, Donnie” (sinister chuckle). “So, what did you promise them in exchange for their millions?”

“Just a tremendous party in my presence. We are going to have the best music and I will be their personal DJ for the evening. It’s going to be unforgettable.”

“Brilliant, Donnie, I wish I could make easy bucks like that!”

“I’m telling you, I’m good at that!”

Putin, to the side, “I know you are good at taking other people’s money. Still waiting on my return on investment in you.”

A sound of a mail voice, “Here you are! I’ve lost you!”

Trump, “Is that Xi?”

Putin, “Yes. I have to go back to the party.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Say hi to Melania for me and enjoy your party, Donnie. Bye!”

“You too, Vlad, bye!” Heading for the door, “I wish I could party with him, not these suckers!”

Satire
2

About the Creator

Lana V Lynx

Avid reader and occasional writer of satire and dystopia under a pen name of my favorite wild cat.

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