Mind Over Madness

Moonlight madness, mind has gone awry. I take the time to dust off my life. I have been here for quite some time and now things have become quite tricky. I travel back to my calm estate of Sojourn whence my childhood rang true. I think some time off will allow myself a retreat from the busy hustle and bustle of city scapes and night life. No light pollution here, just calming absolution.

Last time I was here was back in the good ol’ days when all I knew was playing marbles, helping with the farm, going fishing with Pops, and scraping knees. Now it’s but a skeleton of what this place once was. A dilapidated house where the sun shines through the rickety bones, overgrown fields lush with weeds and pussywillows thick, and a rundown barn with many fresh holes. I begin to rethink my reasoning for coming back here. I park in the driveway and embrace the weather of this fresh spring day. Along the path off in the distance I see a peculiar but magnificent bird swoop overhead and towards the barn. I decide to follow it. I never ever remembered seeing an owl on our property before.

The owl lands through a hole in the barns roof. I push through the thick lush of greenery until I reach the barn door. It’s still day why would an owl be out, this question I ask myself gives me a chill. Not knowing why I press into the barn door pushing it inward enough for me to slip through the crack. The owls eyes pierce the darkness above the top of the barn ceiling staring towards me as if I’m looking into me. I crumble and fall to my knees. We lock eyes in an almost endless moment. I press lower and sit down and continue my gaze towards the reclusive beauty.

I have been just like this revenant, in life alone and hidden, showing up only when it suited me. Watching the memories and moments slip by. My marriage erupting without me putting an inch of effort to save it. My children drifting as I let them go. My business failing and all the while I hid in my mind and waited for it all to end. I know the depression got to me but I didn’t choose to fight I chose to stave off life and live like the owl. Was this bird or beast a sign?

I awake from a slumber unbeknownst to me. The bird still perched above, still gazing within I sit up and wipe the dust and drool from my face. I place my back against the barn wall and again look inward. I know this owl is an omen of something to come. My choice is met with symbolism, this bird must be my moment will I keep my life like a whisper or can I change? Can I turn my somber sorrows into a vast ocean. I know I can’t fix everything but to give up would be to admit defeat, keep to a whisper and secede into a madness within my mind. To change now would be to break free from my depravity and fight for once.

I pick myself up into my feet and press forward very slow towards the birds position.

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” I scream towards the owl.

It doesn’t budge. Tears begin to stream down my face and the bird keeps its weight. I sink down to my knees once again, and at my feet is a patch of denim, bringing back memories of my childhood. Everything floods in, I feel overwhelmed by the passion and heart my parents had, we never needed much, we struggled but the times were always so good, the memories were vivid like a punch to the face. I took that excitement from my partners, my children, and my business. I lost my way and ruined so many moments that could have been grand. I look up to the bird and wipe the tears from my cheeks and eyes.

“How do I fix my life?” I ask the bird, as if it’s going to answer me. The perched owl swoops to a lower area of the upper part of the barn. I push towards the ladder placed towards the upper deck of the barn. A harsh scream comes from the owl above. I quickly rush up the steps of the ladder and at the top of the deck is a nest with an egg inside and the owl looking above it. The egg begins to shake and shudder, as the egg begins to crack rain trickles from clouds above reaching into the barn through the deteriorated roof. I quickly climb up the beam a bit and remove my jacket and tie it from the beam and snag it onto a piece of wood covering the hole momentarily.

I look down to see the tiny beak pop out of the shell and the owl friend peering down at its offspring. I join the owl in witnessing this wonderful miracle. Astonished at how special this simple moment is I think back to when Maggie and Arne were born, I was so overwhelmed with work and the pressure I missed those moments. I know I deserve where my life is now but maybe if I look forward with these small moments, maybe, just maybe I can look for these small moments to actually find some real fulfillment in my life. After the egg is fully cracked a tiny owl peers out with big black sealed eyes and goop all over. The parent begins to groom and clean his offspring.

I give one final glance at the two before climbing down the ladder and out the barn. On the way to my car I slowly enjoy the water droplets hitting my skin. I have a lot of things to fix but little by little being in the moment I can take Control of my life again.

Some say an owl is a bad omen, maybe because they are recluse during the day, but I see this as a sign of the wisdom they may hold. I am taking the next step in my life, coming back here I can see the differences in my life and how I need to be. I won’t be making this mistake again. Day by day I will make things better.

I reach my car and start the Ingnition, the hard part has just begun.

By Jason Bond