Memes

You’d think ah take a lot ae shite but its’ your do- gooders actually that right piss me aff. Them that picks their way roond their pronouns like they’re crossin’ a rope bridge. It disnae sound right in Scots anyway, like you're bein' awfy polite or something. ‘ This is whit they will be wanting for their breakfast… They will be wanting two slices of black puddin’ wie their Lorne sausage..!’ Ahm no even ‘non-binary’ anyway but ah suppose folks are jest tryin’ tae dae their best.

The auld man gies me this book, some auld Roman guy and ah’m like ‘what the feck?’ Ovid, oh brilliant ah says, jest gie me the morning an’ ah’ll get that read. Aye, fer sure. Didnae even gie it a look fer aboot six month. Ah stick it in the loo as you do, then ahm sittin on the bog and thinks ah feck it and reads the wan wee story. Holy Shite, it’s only about folk lyke me isn’t it! Ah practically fell off the pot! Whit’s it lyke? 2000 years ago and there ah am, no the wan thing no the ither. Pa says the stories are even aulder, Greek and mibbe even aulder than that.

He’s pretty smart the auld boy. Ye’d never ken it aff a shop-fitter but he’s got a room covered in books. ‘Dinnae judge a book by its cover.’ That’s whit he always says anyway.

This woman fie India phones me up and its no her fault lyke but she’s all ‘Hello my name is Susan’ and ye ken her name is feckin no Susan, it would be like my pal, Shamita or like ma wan true love Saima or somethin’ lyke that. “Is that Miss Gordon?’ says she, broad Indian-like. Ah’m lyke ‘Naw.’ She says ‘ if the information we have is correct then you must be Miss Amelia Gordon. We’d like to inform you that you are the recipient of our grand prize, two weeks in our timeshare villa on the beautiful island of Crete.’ Ah says, ‘Ma name’s no Amelia, its Memes and ah widnae go tae your fecking hot golf course if ma lyfe depended on it.’ Ah say ‘ how do they do wie Queer folks an that in Crete?’ Susan goes ‘Queer? Do you mean that you and your partner are the same gender Madam? In fact Crete is rather liberal with such arrangments.’ Ah says ‘ Naw, actually we're no the same gender but we’re no different neither, least on our passports anyway.’ She goes ‘ Oh, I don’t really understand what you are saying to me Madam but perhaps I am bothering you now.’ Ah goes ‘ Aye, actually you are feckin bothering me ‘Susan!’

Mibbe I’m on a bi-polar up-tick or somethin’, who knows eh? But ah’ve nivver wanted nothing so much as ah dae noo. Ah woke up an’ jest feckin knew exactly what ah wanted.

Ah nivver give it a thought the first time he says it. One time me and my pal Aldo fae the Deli got pissed on his Dad’s tins ae Strongbow an he says, ‘You knaw if you ever wanted, ah could be a organ donor lyke.’ Ah’m ‘whit the feck, if ah’m dyin or somethin?’.’ An he’s lyke ‘ Yeah, you know, Ah’d give you lyke a kidney or the bone stuff or whatever.’ The drink talkin’ or whit? I didnae gie it anither thought until jest these last coupl’ae weeks. Then, up shines the blindin’ bloody light disn’t it? The more I think aboot it the more I think ah myte die if I don’t do this wan thing.

There wis this music producer and she wis lyke me but the other way roond I guess. And she was Scots too. She made this feckin beautiful music lyke ye’ve nivver heard anything before. Sorta industrial techo but really beautiful! This wan song ‘Is it cold in the water?’ Ah try not to but it makes me cry every feckin’ time ah hear it. ‘Sophie,’ she was that beautiful too.

She fell aff a roof in Athens or somethin’. I was a bit fecked-up when I heard aboot it. I thought maybe it wisnae an accident and she couldnae hack all the shyte that goes along wie not fitting-in with what ivry ither bugger wants aff you. Ah think it wis an accident though really…

I nivver get much o that discrimination except this one time. This lassie wis daein her nails in the bogs o’ The Sub Club. Folk know me there and ah’m no allowed intae the lads’ bogs so ah huv tae gaw intae the ladies. This lassie starts going totally crazy. Ah know her too and she knows me but she pretends she disnae-like. She throws her wee bottle of ‘Sex Pistol’ nail varnish all over my good T-shirt. See if you can get nail varnish out of that Primark cotton. Ah hud tae jest chuck it.

Ah make Aldo a special wee dinner at ma hoose. His favourite mince an tatties an peas wie brown sauce. He’s no difficult, it’s the same thing he’s eaten twice a week since we were weans. Ah leave it until we’ve done the syrup pudding an’ all then ah asks him. He disnae gie it a second though before he says ‘of course you silly bugger, ah telt ye ah’d gie you a kidney, wee shots o’ spunk are ten a penny.’

Consultant say’d if ah stop takin’ the hormones for six months then ah could get pregnant and right enough it happens like a wee feckin miracle.’ Ah reckon if ah huv the baby then ah’ll start taking them again when ah’m done wie the breast-feedin’.

Saims says she’s saved up to help wie ma top surgery after the baby an’ away we go. Ah’m that feckin excited ah can hardly keep ma mooth shut aboot it. There this wan pryck at work but apart fie him ivrywan else is so happy for me. The auld man wis pretty surprised lyke. Who wid guess that yer O2 call centre in Cumbernauld wid be a ‘supportive environment’ but ah jest telt ‘im, the world’s no the same as it wis when you wur a boy.

‘Yer naw kiddin’’ he says.

Saim’s Dad pretends he disnae know shyte aboot me. Ah jest pass wie them and they nivver ask. She introduced me as Memes the first time she took me home and that was that. I passed ivrywhere for a boy even back then. They’re fae Pakistan but no strict like and Saims says they couldnae see past the whiteness to even think aboot the next question? She says he bloody knows the truth but he disnae fancy havin’ an uncomfortable conversation.

Ah want tae marry Saims. That’s one problem we’ll get tae eventually but there’s a bigger wan comin doon the tracks in aboot nine months. She’s shytin’ her breeks aboot that conversation. She says its gonnae be a big deal but her Dad is pretty cool. I think he might surprise her.

By the way, turns oot ‘Susan’s’ timeshare in Greece was kosher so me an’ Saims git a flyte on Last Minute. Gonnae gaw oot there Sunday. Hope they ken whit they’re in fer..? They better no gie me a second look or ah’ll feckin butt them. Wonder if they’ve got black puddin’ in Greece?