Me-you are not considering me

The store was jammed, and they only had one register open. Everybody like sheep stood calmly. I on the other hand felt like the store should be doing better. I looked a the flock of sheep (customers) and wondered at their inability to make waves. I also did not make waves, but I did not wait, I left. I was not going to wait in line for thirty minutes. I would come back tomorrow at 7am. The longest the wait would be is ten minutes. These people made me as angry,as the stores lack of concern for our wait.

I guess I was more confused than angry. The whole world confused me. The politics of the US, the ideologies of the world. That people would kill others, in the name of their ideology.

I went home to watch the football game and clean my apartment. All my friends had maids, but I learned early "You can't always get what you want, you get what you need." I would not sufficate in filth if I did not have a maid. I must admit I was getting tired of just getting what I needed. but a good football game was satisfying , and at that moment exactly what I needed.

I forget about my unfulfilled dreams as I get caught up in the game. I smiled at my now clean kitchen, and the close well fought win in the football game.

My life- cleaning house, buying groceries and try to get myself, and my art recognized. Why would I be here on earth if I was not meant to fulfill my life dreams.

Then one day my being was shocked. I won 700 dollars for something I had created. I was numb, things like this do not happen to me. I knew it was a one time occurance, but it was a gift, a recognition of my being. I was stunned.

500$ in a vacation fund. $200 for the sweaters, for the cold winter nights. A purchase I kept postponing. Sleep began to come more easily those days. 500 was not 3,000 but it still gave me more faith.

I did not spend the $500, and in two months it had grown to $800. Enough for a railroad pass. Patience I told myself, but I was definitely smiling more, and was less short tempered.

I began to plan my future possibly possible trip. Not the usual three day one, but maybe three or four weeks. Maybe God could see me in the haystack of straw.

And when my balance reached $3,000 I became nervous with the possibilities, and scared about my planning abilities. Cat care, and mind care. Was my mind capable of making it through a three week trip, to the western USA. I kept saying I deserved this, and yet my mind kept highjacking me.

I was shocked when I actually boarded the train. Two suitcases, an ipad and a camera.

I had planned three stops: Las Vegas, El Paso and Arizona. On a flight they asked were you are going but on a train you had total freedom to make your own path, at the toss of a coin.

I actually had a seat by myself by the window. Not what I had planned but I was smiling. I was still smiling when we reached New Orleans, and already I was thinking of changing my plans. I felt a sense of excitement. None of the other passengers had conversed with me, but I didn't care. This was pure joy. I was elated. I got off the train in New Orleans.

Photos of bars- and jazz musicians. Photos,music and good food, I was in heaven. There were three Hiltons. I finally found one with an affordable room, within walking distance of the downtown activities.

I was dancing in my hotel. Taking in the neatness and lack of clutter. I was singing as I entered the shower. And no, I was not singing Jazz. Only God knows the song I was singing.

I had never had Gumbo, I had to talk myself into it. But the seafood Gumbo sounded good with a crust of bread. I think I overdid the butter.

I had a speciality drink of the city. A Hurricane- rum and fruit drink. I laughed remembering the last time I had had Rum in high school. Rum and Coke. As I ate and drank, musicians started a new set. I took photos of the trombone player. For a moment I forgot that my father had died and I wouldn't be able to show them to him. I danced a little as I snapped my photos. I went to another music venue. I listened for, and followed the music.

I was a old lady. Nobody seemed to notice me as I danced. When I was younger I would have cared, but now it was sort of a relief. I wasn't going to be here long enough to forge a relationship. After three drinks- one drink over my limit- I returned to my hotel room.

I was singing in the rain, but it was not raining water, it was raining joy. I did not listen to the news or check the stock market, like I would at home. Instead I took another shower. Not because I stunk, because I didn't. But because I enjoyed the way it made me feel. After my usual nightly routine. I squeezed into my bed. Tight sheets, excited me as well.

A continental breakfast- not true New Orleans faire. I checked out and further explored the city.

By the time I got on the train I was exhausted. I collapsed into the nearest window seat. I had carried my luggage all over the city.

The train ride- I worked- down loading my photos, and composing some drawings.

Finally someone other than the conductor talked to me. I was in the dining car- and yes, I was on the computer. He teased me "Why are you working, this is a vacaton train?" I laughed, "Well if someone would buy my artwork I wouldn't be working, while on vacation." He sad down next to me and looked at some of my work. We exchanged business cards. Two retired artists-with business cards. I checked him out after he left.

He was a well known artist in New York "Tom Mission". His work had actually been in galleries. I wondered where he was going. I had been to self absorbed. I should have asked. I was always self absorbed.

Before going to bed I checked my three sites. All three had at least a hundred dollars in sales. I was stunned. That was impossible.

Most of the merchandise was going to New York, but the women's clothing was going to New Hampshire. I wondered if Tom had bought these. I would find him in the morning.

He found me. He was going to a concert in Texas, and he had bought gifts for his daughter and grandchildren. I thanked him. He asked me if I wanted to go to the concert with him. I had wanted to go to El Paso, but this might be better. I could stay in his brother's guest room. Tom would sleep in the other guest room. I said "Sure"

A car was waiting for us when we got off the train. It was dark so I didn't get a good look at the city. His brother was about my age.. He was thinking regrettably about retirement. He was divorced. The guest rooms were his children's old rooms. He worked in a car plant. He had just gotten a 20 percent raise. He did not want to quit.

The concert- Billy Joel and Stevie Nicks. I knew the songs so I sang and danced. This was heaven.

The next morning we went different directions. He had a meeting in Chicago, and I had to make a decision: El Paso or Arizona? Tom had the solution. I took a bus to El Paso. I was wearing my concert tee shirt as I boarded the bus.

While in Texas I had taken photos of Tom and his brother, I also took some photos at the concert with my phone. On the bus I checked my photos and my email. The photos had turned out, and I had had two more sales. The purchase was going to Dallas, I smiled.

El Paso- I was planning for two nights. One day in El Paso and one in Mexico. A day of eating and shopping. But I had a urge to stay longer. I had been dreaming of the food. I bought some mexican mangos to snack on as I shopped. I ate Chili rellenos as well. I felt like I was finally having then the real way.

Before checking out, I went to the post office to mail my purchases. When I got on the train , I was not sure of my destination. I had been dreaming of the desert but I also wanted to go to Las Vegas. There had been desert terrain in Texas, but I wanted to be alone surrounded by sand. I worked on the train. My fellow passangers had their own lifes, and ignored me. I went to Las Vegas. I got a ticket to see Keith Urban and checked into my hotel. No tee shirt this time.

The next day- my dream- a jeep tour in nature-the desert.

I stared in wonder. I felt one with nature-like I was alone with God. Each piece of nature is totally unique. Every snowflake is different, every humanbeing is unique. Each piece of sand had it's own beauty. This trip had been worth the cost. I felt peace in my own uniqueness and work. Life like the train ride happened, not always according to plan.

Engulfed in the desert's parched silence, I was nothing but another grain of sand in the wind.