Mama told Me not to come

Mama told me not to come

Look I know you will judge me. But I feel you always knew that I wasn’t a shy shrinking violet, well actually I kinda was; but only because I didn’t know what I was doing. And it was incredibly important that I KNEW exactly what I was doing. I had to be good.

It’ll probably seem strange to the younger people nowadays, but it’s something I need to convey to them and to you, Mama. I need them to know how different the times were, I need you to know I didn’t behave like a strumpet as papa would say… but to get good at anything, you have to practice. He’s say that too.

I think you understood ..that’s why you always tried to make sure I had a friend with me, I know you didn’t want to control me or stop me living my life. I guess you took the view that you’d ask me no questions so I would never have to tell you lies.

But you knew. you knew that these times were I can’t think of a better way of putting it, steeped in sex, sex as enjoyment as a “sport” if you will. . .

From the magazines on the top shelf, to the leering “comedy” programmes on tv the women’s magazines ensuring that you know the important stuff like “how to please your man” and “orgasm: the ultimate how to guide”. You think I’m joking? Mama probably you wouldn’t have read this stuff, but you knew.

I know people today won’t get it but I was late in getting a boyfriend, yes back in the 70s 15 was late. Of course we all knew how to snog that had been happening since primary school. Remember that school trip to France? Ever single person paired up and snogged all the way home on the bus, except me, there was no one who wanted me. Except Pongo… lacking in self belief as I was I was still had some pride, and I needed a spark … so, no I sat by myself and waited, that’s not to say I didn’t want to join in.

Mistletoe at Christmas was my way in. A kiss, quite a passionate one was not a big deal in those days… but like all of that stuff I had to be good, the best… people would say “ she looks like nothing but I’ve heard she kisses like you are the last boy on earth..with an enthusiasm that is hard to match”.And with the right spark, that was certainly true.

Anyway I’m getting off the point Mama. I just never told you how I felt I wasn’t good at anything…

so surely I could be good at sex, pleasing myself and them….

I had to know what to do and somewhere along the line. I forgot about it being an emotional deal… an energetic exchange of such power it could make you behave in ways that were crazy … that made no sense at all.

It could be destructive, it could be fun it could lead one to regret, to get hurtful …to be hurt, to mess up. To leave even when leaving looked insane from the outside looking in.

I don’t know what past life burdens I was carrying, or why this was so important to me.

I’m just so glad that my now elderly invisibility means that it does not matter, it probably never did. But to me for a while it really did.

The male gaze is not for me anymore and I’m grateful that I still have you mama.

You tried to tell me not to go there but I did ….with a vengeance. You told me not to go to the parties and gatherings or go with the intention of staying in the background. I didn’t listen to you but it was the times…. it was supposed to be freedom but was it? I’m done. I’m over it all

And now I’m truly free.