Love, Untangled

More a bundle than a ball, this love.

Gingerly I tugged.

Slowly, slowly.

Let the thread slide.

It’s stopped again.

A knot.

I didn’t flip the clean/ dirty magnet on the dishwasher.

Not that big a deal, surely?

I never flip it? That’s not true.

I’m usually the one putting the dishwasher on, and emptying it. I often remember the magnet.

I bought the magnet. I didn’t know you even noticed it.

Sliding free again.

And stopped.

You can’t do any housework because you’re studying? OK, but maybe you could put a load in the washing machine, hang it out for a movement break?

That would break your concentration. Ah.

Gently pulling. Sliding thread.

Enough to start winding into a proper ball now.

Gently.

Stopped.

What is it this time?

This knot looks like that time we fought over the groceries. I spent too much. I let that cheese go bad and it wasn’t used. That smelly cheese was too much for you, made you sick to your stomach. Inflamed the simmering rage of dissatisfaction until it boiled over.

I’d apologised to calm you down, not even knowing why you were angry. Just trying to make you un-angry. It half worked.

Pick up that piece, lift it over. Now the thread slides again.

Rolling more untangled thread onto the neat ball.

Stopped. Hard to see how to untangle this part.

Turning it to see better. Gentle tugs on several threads.

You’re yelling at me at 3am. I woke up part way through it. Now the baby is crying.

I’ll be able to hear you better when you stop yelling. The neighbours are through that wall, and I’m sure they don’t want to be woken at 3am by yelling and crying.

I don’t even understand the words you’re saying. They make no sense. What?

I touch your arm, it’s very cold.

You walked home from the city because there were no buses? Why did you stay so late?

How is it my fault?

Of course I went to bed! You didn’t answer the phone & I have to go to work in the morning, and get the children to school.

Let me quiet the baby.

Go and have a shower to warm up. You’ll feel better.

You’re not dirty?

Have you eaten? You can reheat the leftovers.

You don’t want leftovers?

How about the dinner I made you tonight. That’s not leftovers, that’s your dinner.

You don’t like the rubbish I cook?

Maybe you should have had dinner with your friends while you were in the city? I mean: you were there until midnight, so you had time.

I don’t give you enough money?

If I gave you more money, you could have had a nice dinner instead of just drinks, and you could have caught a taxi home?

But there isn’t any money to give you.

After I’ve paid all the bills, the rent, the groceries, the childcare, the car rego…everything, there’s no more money.

I can’t even replace my underwear that has holes in it.

If you want more money, maybe get a job?

Or look after the children after school so I don’t have to pay for after school care?

You’re not a babysitter?

It’s not babysitting when it’s your own children!

What’s your solution? How will you make more money?

I’m not allowed to buy nappies? Childcare won’t use the cloth ones, remember?!

She’s too young to toilet train!

(On & on. Nonsense after nonsense. I can’t bear it. The baby’s still awake, but at least she’s quiet. Why is she so quiet? Look at her eyes. So big. Watching. What is she learning from this? The other children are still sleeping. Sleep. What time is it? OMG!)

This is ridiculous! It’s 5am, and I’m going to get an hour’s sleep before we all have to get up for the day.

I can’t sleep because you stayed out drinking and worked yourself into a lather of outrage?

*snort of disbelief*

Stop grabbing me! I’m holding the baby!

What are you doing?

*scream* *thud*

(At least he threw us onto the bed, and I cushioned the baby’s fall. She’s OK

The baby looks so frightened. I’ll just focus on her, keep her calm. Smile. She’s smiling back.

Pretend nothing is happening. The bouncing? It’s just a happy bounce. Smile at the baby. Don’t show pain. Block it out.

You’ve had plenty of practice.

Smile and say happy things to the baby. Don’t let her know anything bad is happening. She’s safe. Keep her safe. It will be over soon and he’ll go to sleep.)

Still stuck. Can’t untangle this one.

Have to cut it. Tuck in the untangled end. Smaller ball, but neat and usable.

Maybe look at the rest of the tangle another day? Put it back in the drawer.

Do something more useful.