Love and Loss

I was shaken by the stillness of our surroundings when my son and I reached the deck. The titanic sat motionless in the ocean, a field of ice, and a dark violet sky interrupted only by occasional points of starlight. It seemed so distant from the world I was used to.

Beside me, Ed Jr was holding on to me, making his best effort to stay awake. I hated waking him but there was nothing to be done about it.

“Mama it’s night, why are we outside. It’s night out”

“ Yes love, we must be outside for a little while but it won't take long.”

A small number of women and children were standing by the lifeboats waiting for instruction from crewmen. A few of the men passengers were present, mostly to ease their wife's fears. The crewmen did their best to calm the fears they may have had, assuring all present that it was only a safety drill.

Pulling my scarf up and wrapping it around my face, the cold bit at my skin as if I were being picked by a thousand needle picks.

“ There you both are.”

I turned to the voice which belonged to my husband.

Edgar, was in the 2nd class stateroom, enjoying a bit of brandy and his after-dinner cigars. I was gratefully he found us so quickly.

“Thank goodness your here”

I walked over to my husband hugging him tightly.

“ No need to worry Millie, just a drill, that's what they are saying.”

“ Oh I hope so Edgar, something just doesn't feel right.”

We stood there, Edgar, our son, and myself, waiting to be loaded onto a lifeboat.

Passengers from 3rd class arrived on deck. There was talk of water leaking into the ship. One of the crewmen, an officer Franklin, told us there was a collision but that the ship would not sink due to safety features built into the ship. As passengers talked tensions began to rise. The great Titanic, so majestic in its appearance, now ever so slightly dipped its bow down toward the ocean.

Forty-five minutes had gone by and an atmosphere of panic began to spread amongst us waiting to board a lifeboat. More 3rd class passengers began reaching the upper deck. These people began shouting at the crew officers that they had been locked down in the 3rd class decks. That they were left to drown so that the majority of 1st and 2nd class passengers could be saved. I was shocked at such accusations, but I also wondered if it was true.

Several men were speaking amongst themselves, my husband went to see what they were discussing.

I looked down to see little Ed holding onto my skirt still trying his best to stand up straight. My little man.

Edgar returned to us after a discussion with one of the crewmen for several minutes.

My husband kneeled in close to make sure only I could hear.

“ Millie, you and little Ed must board the next boat.”

I stood and stared at him. I did not understand why he did not include himself.

“You are coming with us arent you?”

He looked at me in a new way, it seemed a mixture of love, fear, and admiration.

“ The crewman say women and children first, they must obey the captains' orders, we must respect that.

Fear overwhelmed me at that moment.

The man I had spent the last 15 years with and had a son with was to leave me, neither of us knew if we were to see each other again.

“Please Edgar, no!”

“ Millie there is no other choice, I will find a boat after the women and children are safe.

You must be brave for our son, he needs you.”

The panic I had seen in others that night settled inside of my head. How could I do this? How could I leave him?.

My chest ached. Edgar was right, someone had to accompany our son. I did not want to leave my husband, my love. No one should have to make such a choice, however, I knew what must be done.

Little Ed was my other great love, I had a duty as his mother, to do everything in my power to ensure he had a chance at life.

My chest ached as the men prepared the next lifeboat. I stepped forward for holding my son's tiny hand in mine. The officer took my hand, helping me into the lifeboat. When I became seated they handed me little Ed. Edgar stood by watching to make sure we were safe.

Edgar and I looked at each other while they loaded other women and children, trying to fill all boats available now. So much was exchanged in our one last look. The love, the dreams shared, and realized all were relived threw each other's eyes. Soon Edgar disappeared from my sight. Without thinking, my hand went the locket around my neck. I opened it to see the picture of us together, as a family. I held it tightly while the lifeboat was lowered into the freezing ocean.