Loud Thoughts

Joshua was gone. It’s the first time I've been alone with my thoughts since this whole mess had started. My body was heavy and exhausted. Overnight, my dark hair had become a tangled rat's nest drenched in sweat. I felt sick. My head was throbbing with pain, and emotionally, so was my heart.

Joshua put himself in danger because of me. The Brooks family were after me. My stepfather hated me. He wanted to marry me off in exchange for his debts to be cleared. I never got along well with my stepfather, but it still stung that he desired to be rid of me so much. My eyes blurred with tears. How did things go so horribly wrong? I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I knew the answer: me.

It was my fault that Ma was gone…

I shook my head fast as if trying to shake the memories away, but the pictures in my mind kept coming. I could see her. Her beautiful face, red from the cold, smiling tenderly at me. She was wearing an old dress she commonly used for cleaning or working. Ma bundled up in her coat and hand-knit shawl, her breath being a visible fog in the little white flurries floating down. Snow was everywhere the eyes could see.

“Happy birthday, love.” She spoke softly as we walked on, the snow crunching beneath our boots.

Yes, I remember everything from that day no matter how many years have passed. It was my eleventh birthday. My stepfather was out working, leaving Ma and me home alone. I was upset most of my birthday about things Joshua had said to me in school the previous day. To cheer me up, Ma agreed to go ice skating with me on the frozen pond not far from our house. We were supposed to have some fun and head in for a little treat. Supposed to…

“I’m coming for you!” Out on the frozen pond, Ma had chased me down. The sound of blades scraping against ice flooded my ears as we dashed about. Ice tag was our favorite game to play.

We laughed, we joked, we played. Everything was great until the ice gave way. Her body sank down out of sight fast. I screamed. Like cold weather to a pond, fear had me frozen in place. I’ve never been more terrified in my entire life. I didn’t know what to do. I was not old enough, strong enough, or smart enough to save her. I was entirely helpless...

I threw off the blankets and dropped from the bed. With a loud thud, my knees hit the wooden floor. I couldn’t handle being alone with my thoughts. I couldn’t take being still anymore. Pictures continued to come as I remembered what happened next…

“This is all your fault!” My stepfather had screamed in my face.

Stunned, I had no words then. Before that moment I had never seen my stepfather upset. He clutched my dress by the shoulders with his fingers. Tears fell between the both of us. He was a hardworking family man, but something snapped in him that day, forever to be different...Recklessness and jumping into debt was his lifestyle from then on.

I covered my face with my hands, shaking my head faster. I had to get the memories to leave.

I heard Joshua’s voice in my head, ‘I could never bring myself to leave you to deal with that underhanded family alone!’ he shouted... And what of Joshua? He’s in this mess because of me, just like my Ma was. He has been so kind, but I can’t really expect him to continue to help me. Of course, I didn’t. I knew all along I would have to part ways with him at some point. It was not fair to Joshua for me to up and leave, but it’s what seemed best for him.

I crawled across the floor to Joshua’s suitcase. Opening it, I grabbed a spare piece of paper and a pen. I had to say goodbye. Where would I go? I thought that over and over after I finished the note. Should I even go? I truly didn’t want to leave Joshua. For the first time, I had a friend and I wasn’t alone. I deeply desired to stay, but would the Brooks family ever stop looking for me? I was still unwell, and we were both safe here, maybe I don’t have to go just yet?

I shoved my face in my palms again. My shoulders trembled from the sobs that came. Sorrow, fear, loneliness all had overtaken me. I began pretending I was being surrounded by soft, warm arms. It was a comforting motherly embrace. The image was as real as if my Ma was here enveloping me with her presence.

“There now,” A soft voice whispered in an Irish lilt. “It’ll be alright.” I wasn’t pretending someone’s arms were actually around me, trying to comfort me!

Startled, I looked up into the face of an older woman with curly, bright hair pinned back. Her ocean-blue eyes stared back at me, reading my pain.

“You feel warm.” The woman gently rested her hand on my forehead. “C’mon, up we go. We’ve got to get you to bed.” She helped lift me to my feet and walked me towards the bed.

“Who are you?”

“Most people call me Anne. Your husband asked me to check in while he’s away.”

“My husband?!” I plopped on the bed, gasping.

“Aye.”

My husband?! This had to be Joshua’s doing. I could not wait to speak to him when he got back. I have lots and lots to say about this.

“Now, try not to be so mad at him for lyin’.” Anne covered me in the blankets and tucked me in. “It’s what was best in your situation.”

My eyes widened. “H-how did you know?”

“That you’re both runaways?” Anne laughed. “I know that path very well myself. I can spot someone on the run a mile away, I can.” Suddenly, Anne leaned in close to whisper, “But I daresay, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if a proposal comes from him soon. That boy is absolutely smitten, he is.”

“Excuse me?!” Who does she think she is to say these things? That woman does not know Joshua or me at all.

“You’re not brother and sister are you?” Anne made a face of disgust.

“Of course not!”

“Mm-hmm.” She mumbled and smiled at me.

“No proposal is happening!” Blushing, my cheeks were filled with warmth. “Joshua is a very good friend. That is all.”

Anne mumbled and smiled at me again, nodding her head as if to say “I’m right”. This nosy woman was impossible.

“Well, you’ve checked on me now, so…” I motioned my hands towards the door.

Ignoring my words, Anne sat down on the edge of the bed. “You haven’t been drinking your water, I see.”

“I’ve had some.”

“Well, I can’t leave until that’s changed. I take my jobs seriously around here.” She picked up my glass of water from the nightstand and shoved it in my hands. “Water is good for ye. Drink up, while I entertain with a story…”

Anne went on and on, explaining in detail her entire life it seemed. I chugged my water furiously. If I finished quickly, maybe she’d leave? With Anne, it was probably a foolish hope. I knew I should learn to count my blessings. At least, I had company and I wasn’t alone.

My mind wandered to what Anne had said about Joshua. He was smitten with me? Oh, no. Not Joshua. This was the same boy who picked on me terribly when we were kids, and even though he is kind now, his focus is on writing. Publishing his manuscript was the whole reason for this trip he planned after all. I’m just a kink in his plans.

My gaze rested on the clock high on the wall. It was late. Shouldn’t Joshua be back by now? He said he wouldn’t take too long, but it’s been hours. Anxiously, I bit my lip. Where was he?