Lost My Way in the Darkness

In the early days of American history, the tenets of Christianity were either embraced or generally tolerated as positive guidelines for establishing societal norms and legal expectations. Many of the Founding Fathers were not Christians per se but held to Deist views that acknowledged the value of Biblical mores in the public square. Simultaneously, they recognized the danger of selecting winners and losers in the world of religion, which is how Thomas Jefferson's privately-held belief of "the separation of church and state" came into existence as the mantra of the masses that sought to keep God out of everything. This separation resulted in a complete loss of moral compass for the United States by the early twenty-first century, as the culture of death replaced the culture of life that had previously prevailed.

Many cultural observers pointed to the logically faulty Roe v. Wade decision by the U.S. Supreme Court in 1973 as the primary driver of that change, with more than 63.4 million abortions reported by the states combined in the fifty years since the practice was legalized, according to the National Right to Life Committee website (https://nrlc.org/uploads/factsheets/FS01AbortionintheUS.pdf). For decades prior to and since 1973, the Republican Party has held the view that life must be protected, but even when it has held the White House and the majority in Congress, the GOP has failed to protect the most vulnerable by passing a pro-life amendment to the Constitution.

In the 1980s, Ronald Reagan was elected President in landslides by tapping into the dissatisfaction of Republican and Democrat voters. At that point, many Democrats identified as pro-life, and they won their seats with the support of Christian citizens. By the early 2000s, however, Democrats that remained pro-life had become an endangered species, and more Christians were leaving those politicians to vote for Republicans. The culture of life embraced the GOP, and the culture of death embraced the Democrats. In the 2020s, America no longer resembled the nation it was at birth.

Twenty-twenty-three was the year that real pushback began. The young generation preparing to vote in a presidential election for the first time--in 2024--had lived through a catastrophically managed pandemic of a virus that turned out to be nowhere near as deadly as the media had made it seem (unlike the 1918 Influenza A pandemic that killed as many as 100 million people worldwide), and they had begun to doubt everything their political leaders and news media elites told them. With every new story or rumor that emerged, young people questioned it with the fervor of a beat reporter tracking down Chuck Colson over Watergate.

On social media, while some youth proudly proclaimed their sexual freedom, others began teaching the Bible to their fellow teens and twenty-somethings. Bodybuilders, fitness influencers, musicians, photographers, athletes, writers, and more took the time to read Scripture, pray, and address the need for faith in Jesus. Doubters ridiculed them. Seekers thanked them. Veteran believers prayed for them. In their own way, they began to change the cultural story, and a new American revolution of religious independence appeared to be underway.

Among the generation of those influencing the influencers was a man named Blake Harris. Brought up in an atheist household, Blake was neglected at best and abused at worst. He even said at one point, "If abortion had been legal when my parents conceived me, it's likely that I never would've been born. And there were days I wished that had been the case."

Blake had a surprising encounter at the age of 12 or 13. It changed his life more radically than he'd ever imagined. One result of that was being placed in the custody of a different family. His birth mother had died or left when he was very young, and his birth father ended up in prison. The following chapter is Blake talking with Jack, a friend from his old neighborhood. Blake tries to answer Jack's questions about the event that changed his life. It's told from Jack's POV.

“He Let Her Die!”

Content Warning

There was no getting around it: Blake’s conversion changed everything for me, and I wasn’t happy about it. Sure, I was glad that Pop Harris wasn’t beating on Blake anymore, but that was as far as my happiness went. Once again, I found my life disrupted. Blake moved in with Andy’s family, Vince had gone all weird on me, and I didn’t want to hang around him without Blake there. I was getting along with Steph and Dad better, but that kind of freaked me out, and I felt at odds with my life, just like I had in Portland before we moved here.

I wanted to talk to Andy about it but didn’t know if the two of us could do that without Blake getting in on the conversation. I was shocked that I was beginning to look forward to the new school year, just to be able to see Andy, and possibly Blake, every day, but that wasn’t for several more weeks. The emotional frustration was building up, and I didn’t know what to do.

Vince hadn’t been out of his house in more than a week. He had vague memories of the weekend at the fort, but his last one was telling his friends that he wasn’t feeling well and was going home for the night. He couldn’t recall anything after that. He’d woken up in his bed the next afternoon, his mother patting his forehead with a cool washcloth and observing him with more concern than he remembered seeing from her in a very long time. She took his temperature, which was 101.2 degrees, and told him to sit up and take two aspirin. She asked about what happened between him and me after he left the fort, but his mind was blank about that; he had no idea what she was talking about. She had him lie down again, covered him, and told him not to worry about it. He asked about his camping gear. She told him that she’d call me and ask me to bring it over, but it was time for Vince to sleep.

When he drifted off again, she did what she said, and I showed up on Tuesday with Vince’s sleeping bag, tent, and all the other gear he’d taken to the fort. She asked me what happened between me and her son, but no way was I gonna tell her. I shook my head and muttered something she couldn’t follow, so she let it go. I asked how Vinnie was, and she told me he was sick, but that was the end of our conversation. Mrs. Jackson thanked me for bringing her son’s stuff, and I left. I haven’t seen or heard from Vin or Mrs. J since.

Andy and Blake called a couple of times, but they hadn’t been able to visit yet. It was a hectic week at the Madison home. I’d learned that Blake was officially under the guardianship of Peter and Sarah Madison, which my dad had explained meant that Blake would be living with them until further notice. While it wasn’t exactly foster care, it was weird that Blake was living with my best friend… did I just realize that Andy’s my best friend? And that’s when all the changes began to make sense to me. Andy’s my best friend from school, and Blake’s my best neighbor friend, and now they’re living in the same house, away from me!

The pain and frustration which that realization brought to me erupted volcanically, and I punched a wall in my room, breaking the sheetrock and hurting my fist. “OW! Damn it!” I gritted my teeth in pain and hoped the Dragon didn’t come running down the hall to harass me about my language.

I was in luck. Steph Bannister was outside and didn’t hear my outburst. I looked at my hand. It wasn’t cut, but my knuckles were reddened and bruised. I brushed off the dust from the sheetrock and looked around for something to cover the hole. I found a Carl Yastrzemski poster I’d gotten for Christmas and hadn’t put up yet, so I took a couple of push pins out of my cork board and used Yaz to cover up my misdeed. I was still upset, but under control now, and knew I needed to find some other way to deal with my anger. I left my room, found Steph, and said I was going to the fort.

When I got to the fort, I noticed that some of Blake’s and Andy’s stuff was still there. I carefully packed it up and stored it under the tarp. Then I realized that I was going to be all alone in the fort without my gang of friends, and the anger welled up once more. I grabbed the makeshift table I’d made and broke it apart, throwing it around in my rage. Not calmed by this, I grabbed the next thing I could reach—the tarpaulin—and began ripping it down, shredding it. I picked up one of the stump stools and threw it at the walls, trying to break them down. In my rampage, I didn’t hear the boys arriving behind me.

“Jack! What are you doing?! Stop!!” Andy called to me, but I wasn’t listening.

Blake ran up to me and tried to restrain me. “Jack! Stop it! It’s me, Blake!”

It wasn’t until Blake said his own name that I began to comprehend what was going on. I stopped thrashing and looked around me. The fort was trashed. It wasn’t going to be our hangout anymore, but I wasn’t sure I cared.

“What’s going on with you, Jack?” Blake was still trying to get my attention.

“Everything’s changed. You’ve gone to live with Andy. Vince got weird. I don’t have friends anymore. I’m right back where I was when I moved here. I can’t handle it.” I was dejected.

“What are you talking about? You still have us, Jack! I realize we’re all of two-and-a-half miles away now, but gosh, we’re still friends, aren’t we?” Blake prodded me to acknowledge them. “Okay, I get it. I’m not two houses over anymore, but Andy got a 3-speed bike this week, so we rode over today.”

“You rode here??”

Andy’s grin was a mile wide. “It’s a lot easier when you’re with a friend and not getting flipped off your bike,” he joked, elbowing Blake good-naturedly. “And that 3-speed makes a difference, too.” He chuckled. “It’s further than I’ve ridden before, but not impossible. I’m looking forward to the long coast from here to Whitman’s!”

I’d never seen Andy look so proud of himself, and I had to admit that I was proud of him, too. “Well, boys, this changes things! I won’t say my mood’s changed completely for the better but knowing that you two can ride here to hang out, man, I just… COOL!” We all laughed at me for stumbling over my words. “But wait a minute. What brought you guys over here today?”

“Stephanie called us. She thought you could use a friend or two.” Blake explained the situation. “Clearly, you need a psychiatrist, too, bud.” He smiled at me, but then it faded. “Jack, I’m sorry that my situation upset the friendship applecart for you. I’m sure you’re glad that I’m not with Pop anymore, but I don’t blame you for being sad not to have Vince and me around. It’s going to be a long time before we see Vince again; he’s really sick, and not all of it is physical.” My friend tapped the side of his head as he said that about Vinnie. “Andy and I have been praying for him.”

“So, you really became a Christian, Blake? What happened while I was following Vince home that night?”

“Yes, Jack, I have become a Christian. When you left to follow Vince, I was talking with Andy, and the more questions I had, the more answers he gave. It seemed that no matter what objections I raised, Andy had a Bible verse that talked about it. My life was spinning out of control, you know about that, and I was already planning to die soon. No, really. I had a plan to kill myself, Jack. Pop was truly making our home complete hell. He was abusing me every way possible including what you already know, plus emotionally and verbally. I just couldn’t take any more.”

Before I could interrupt, Blake held up his hands and said, “There’s more to it, Jack. You see that last day we were there, when I went to put back that video, I accidentally opened the spare bedroom door instead of the room I’d gotten it from. It was scary to see what he had in there. That crazy man had a cage with handcuffs and chains, Jack! He was going to make me his prisoner in my own house! I only had that door open for a few seconds, but he caught me closing it. He knew I’d seen what was in the room. I had all I could do to get away from him. That’s why he beat me so badly before I could join you and Vince at the fort. I knew I could never go back to that house, so if push came to shove, I was going to string up somewhere in the woods.”

I trembled listening to Blake describe the horrors of his life and what awaited him if he had returned to his home.

“Since I had no control over my life, Jack, I tried to control others. I used bullying, scaring, and anything else I could think of to manipulate them—even you and Vince, to get you to do what I wanted. You know I was good at it.”

I nodded knowingly.

“I’m sorry I was like that, Jack. I hope you’ll forgive me. At any rate, at some point you brought Andy into our lives. Sure, we had picked on him before we knew who he was, but we didn’t know him. When you introduced him, I felt threatened by him. I thought he was someone that would steal your friendship from me, and I’d lose control over another part of my life.”

“But when Andy came here and said he’d forgiven me for bullying him before I even asked him to, it was like a light switch getting flipped on inside me, Jack, or the first in a row of dominos being tipped over. By the time you and Vin left, my heart was ready to give up control, and to let God take over. Nothing I was doing helped me, and David and Andy sure made it look like God could take care of me.”

That’s when I interrupted. “You’d think that, but he didn’t take care of Mom! He let her die! He failed!”

“He failed? Did your mom trust him?”

“Well, yeah.”

“So, where is she now?”

“In heaven, I guess.”

“You guess? Come on, Jack. Is she in heaven or not? If your mom trusted in Jesus, and she died still trusting in him, is she in heaven with him, or did God fail and now she’s in hell?” Blake was arguing like his old, persistent self.

“SHE’S IN HEAVEN, YOU JERK! GOD DIDN’T FAIL TO TAKE HER TO HEAVEN. HE FAILED TO KEEP HER HERE WITH ME!” I broke down sobbing and fell to my knees. My voice became very small. “I loved her so much, and I needed her, and he let her die!”

Blake looked at Andy as if to say Now what? Andy shrugged his shoulders and mouthed ‘I don’t know.’ His friend’s eyebrows shot up. What do you mean ‘you don’t know’? they said. Blake wasn’t used to Andy not knowing what to say. Finally, Andy gestured to Blake with his hands together, ‘Pray.’ Blake nodded, bowed his head, and began to pray silently for Jack.

Andy sat down next to Jack. “Jack? I’m so sorry that your mom died. I can’t imagine what that feels like. I’m here for you, Jack. If you want to talk, or just sit, or feel like yelling at somebody, I’m here. Shoot, you can hit me, if that’ll make you feel better.” He went quiet and began to pray in his heart.

They sat there for several minutes. As he prayed, Andy felt that this situation was not going to involve him, but that it would be Blake and Jack that talked this out. He prayed that God would give Blake love and patience as he spoke to Jack, and that Jack would be open and listening.

Blake broke the silence. “Jack, I’m glad you can tell the difference between God not failing your mom and what you wanted.”

I was lost in my thoughts. “What? What do you mean?”

“You said that God didn’t fail your mother. You said that he took her to heaven when she died. Then you said that God failed you because he didn’t keep her here with you. I’m glad you can see the difference because that’s what I asked before you yelled at me.”

That puzzled me and put me on my guard, but I wasn’t angry. Not yet. “Go on, Blake.”

“I was telling you that I decided that God could take better care of me than I was doing because of what I saw in Andy and David, but you didn’t agree because of what happened to you. I’m sorry you lost her. When my mom was in my life, she didn’t abuse me, but she didn’t love me, either. When she left, the only thing that changed was that Pop started abusing me instead of her. Jack, I can’t relate to losing a loving parent, because I never had one until I met God.” Blake’s voice cracked as he spoke the final statement, but he kept his emotions in check.

“Please don’t misunderstand me, Jack. I’m not trying to manipulate you like I used to, okay? You asked why I became a Christian, and I’m trying to tell you. For as long as I’ve known you, I’ve had walls up to protect myself, and Jesus broke through them. He changed me, Jack. He forgave me and made me his child.”

“I’m glad it’s working out for you, Blake. I really am. But what does that have to do with me?” I couldn’t figure out what all that had to do with my objections to the idea that God could be trusted.

When Blake spoke, I had to admit I was surprised by his patience, but he seemed to pound the same nail into the same pressure point in me. “Jack, again, you said your mom trusted God, and he did not fail her.”

I was getting exasperated from hearing this over and over. “Yeah, Blake, that’s right.”

“She found him trustworthy.”

“Yeah, Blake.“

“She had taught you that he could be trusted and that you should trust him, too, and you believed her.”

I gritted my teeth. “Yes. Blake.” I spat out the words.

“So why are you disobeying her now?”

I jumped up and squared to throw a punch. “What are you talking about?” Spittle dripped from my lips as I spewed out my words in utter fury.

To my shock, Blake sat down and didn’t say another word. “You—You—You can’t just toss that out there and not answer my question, Blake!”

He just sat there with his eyes closed. “Are you praying?? I can’t fu-fu—” I remembered Andy was there before I finished the word. “I can’t friggin’ believe this! Blake-Porno-Harris is preaching and praying? I guess hell has frozen over!” And still, he didn’t move. I gave up and sat down, too, though I was fuming inside.

Blake spoke again, quietly. “Your dad and Steph love you, right? And you believed your mom when she told you God could be trusted, but now you don’t, just because she died? You’re still loved Jack! I don’t get it.” He shook his head sadly.

“You mean I’m supposed to accept that God allowed her death? And I have to keep trusting it’s better for me in the long run that it happened that way?” I was incredulous.

“Yes, Jack, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Blake, that’s a load of crap!” I jumped up again. This guy is nuts.

“No, it isn’t, Jack. No, you’re going to listen. Sit down and listen. Please. You know what my life has been like for the last decade, Jack. I never received love from either of my parents. All they gave me was neglect and abuse. Just think about that for a minute, okay? While you’re thinking about it, let me tell you that I haven’t envied your life. But here’s the thing: As awful as my home life has been, I’m beginning to understand it’s better for me that it happened that way.”

“Are you out of your mind, Blake Harris??” I nearly sprang out of my seat. “Why would you say something stupid like that?”

“If my life hadn’t been so full of hell, I wouldn’t have asked God for help! He took my hell and gave me heaven.” The tears were flowing freely from my friend’s eyes now. “Jack, if I hadn’t known such pain on my own, I wouldn’t understand such healing with Jesus now!” He looked me in the eyes and said, “You must know that God loves you like he loved your mom, Jack. He’s waiting for you to return to him, I know he is.”

I sighed. “Maybe he is, Blake. Maybe he does love me. Maybe he doesn’t. I don’t know. At least now I understand what you’ve been trying to say. I’ll… I’ll think about it. I will.” I could tell my friends were hoping for a more emotional reaction, but I wasn’t going to go into hysterics for them. If, IF God loved me like they thought, and was ready to welcome me back, he was going to have to prove himself to me.

This idea of taking an important person from my life ‘for my own good’ was bullcrap, and it was time for God to prove that he wasn’t as arbitrary as all that.