Lorraine's Lesson

The door swings open, and through it barges my Mother's friend Lorraine, a larger woman, greying hair, demanding. She sits at the table and begins talking with my mother. For some reason, even when she was kind, it came across as if she were plotting some spiteful revenge for some unseen slight, which was always a moving target.

Mother lit up and would talk away, divulging the most intimate family secrets when she was around. I suspect to entertain her and keep her claws out of her own back. Give the monkey a banana, and it will play with the banana and leave you alone, grandpa used to say.

She would sit and gossip about the neighbors, "You know we're keeping them up." Mother, stunned by this announcement, looked at me and then look at her, "No, I didn't." trying to contain the shock. "Yes, working people have to support those people that are on food stamps and can't work." Mother sat quietly, not knowing what to say, she often thought of how Lorraine's announcements had taken her off guard, but this one was too much.

Mother wasn't the type that always understood her emotions, but I could tell when she was worn out, and she was worn out. Finally, the evening wore on, and Lorraine excused herself to our relief. Mother closes the door behind her, "I forgot what she was like." I sat there and then blurted out, " I can't stand her. She's like one of those evil people in the stories the teachers read to us in school." That moment an idea was born, not a good idea but an idea that would be my solution to this insufferable woman. "Water, that'll do it."

"Since our families boated together, and she had children, and we were due for an outing." I plotted in my head. Later on in the boat, I spotted the cooler full of ice water and plotted my path. Then her oldest son Gene moved into the proper position; tragically, down I went making sure I splattered her with as much water as possible. Direct hit! Water douses her all over, wetting her hair, face, clothes, then, She stands up! Wait, she stood up; she was supposed to melt! Oh great, now I will die for sure. She will curse me for the rest of my life.

Her husband, however, saved me by laughing so hard it distracted her. I was saved! Later that night, I got home feeling rescued, but what of the danger? Surely she would return fire, and indeed she would be out for revenge.

I had seen her take revenge on children for far less. One time she tripped a child getting on the bus just for bumping into her. She would no doubt set out to get me. The question is how and when, so I became hyper-vigilant.

Lorraine was also the substitute bus driver. A highly coveted position for a six-year-old because of the power and authority that made it so attractive. Leonard, our regular driver, was homesick, I suspect hungover he was seen going into the Wiggly Piggly this past weekend, and he doesn't frequent that place unless he's buying alcohol.

Remembering that Momma says, "He's a drunk." Lorraine said, "That use to be one fine man. Now, look at him. I bet if his lawnmower could grunt, it would when he crawls on it now." Momma fought back the laughter. It was one of those axioms. They would giggle, I sat pouting in dread.

That Monday morning, it came my time to get on the bus. I could see Lorraine's head. I mumbled to myself, "oh $#!*," the door opens, I see her look down. Her chin maligned her face making her look more like a frog. She had forgotten her teeth that day.

Her unpleasant disposition was not helping the matter. I barely looked up, "Good morning." I muttered. She the word, "Morning." If she would have said, "Ribbit or Croak," it wouldn't have mattered. I was going to laugh, and she was going to get mad. "What's so funny!" in her usual demeaning tone. "Nothing." At the same time, I hopped into my seat, grasping my superman lunch box. I watched her nose curl as she looked down on me.

Surely she was plotting. Moments later, one of her other targets gets on the bus, little Tony. A tiny kid smaller than myself, he sat down beside me on the bench seat. I saw her look at us both. I knew something would becoming. Moments later, she hits the brakes on the bus and shouts "Squirrel!" throwing Tony into the seat in front of us and myself onto the floor. Tony gets up crying with a busted nose. My face is numb. She sat laughing, making the fist motion of "I got them." Later that day when

I got home. My nose was swelled. Momma sees it and asks what happened? I tell her the whole story. "Oh, you are just overdramatic." My world crumbled. My backup had failed me.

That night I had nightmares of her torturing me. I would get even now. This time I would use my superpowers! I would show her, "PASAWHH!!" "Honey, what are you doing in there?" Momma shouted. I replied, "Nothing!", "Go to sleep. You have school tomorrow." Little did she know I wanted to, but the nightmares kept waking me up.

I pondered if I had one of those profound superpowers like other kids who came to life when triggered by excessive stress. How would I tap into this, maybe get bit with a spider? No, that would hurt, plus I'm afraid of spiders. Maybe green slime I have that it's perhaps radioactive and will give me superpowers! My superpower problem is now resolved; I have the source of my powers!

I threw the covers over my head, grabbed my flashlight and a can of slime, rubbed it on my hands, and waited. At first, I tried to make the flashlight roll. "Nothing!" I fall asleep with the flashlight on and wake up to Momma shaking me, "Why did you have a flashlight in the bed with you?" I groan, not wanting to get up. I put my school clothes on and get to the bus stop, and I see her coming. The door opens, and that moment of dread as she croaks "Morning," only this morning she adds, "How's your nose?" laughing.

"Fine" I sit down; Tony gets on the bus and sits beside me again. I watched her plotting again. This time I started to use my superpowers on her. "I will teach you, lady." I begin to use my powers. She looks back at me and sees me making this bizarre face and makes a face in return. That moment the bus hits the ditch, we all bounce all over the place. I look around; everyone is ok, but she is, gone! Where did she go! Then from the stairwell, there comes a groan, almost like a croak. There she was, her head was lying against the door, her heels in the air. The older students helped her up, and then she almost screamed. She grabbed her leg and sat down. She then called for help on the CB, explaining what happened. I sat quietly, thinking, "Mess with me again, lady." and "Did I really do all that?"

Moments later, a new bus driver showed up, and then the ambulance, she had broken her leg during the fall. Momma was distraught, first at the bus wreck, then at her friend breaking her leg, and after the phone call, finding out her child was making faces at her friend possibly caused the impact. So, when I finally could watch TV again and could do something other than homework. I started to circulate again. Tony asked, "Were you in lockdown?" I replied, "Yeah," Making faces at the bus driver did it wasn't it? I said, "Yeah, why?" He responded, "Man, you are our hero!" I listened to the stories. Thinking to myself, "I knew it was bad but not that bad." The confessions were astounding I decided to take matters into my own hands. I went to dad. "Can we talk?"

Dad was taken aback by the question. Sure, let's go outside. I step outside and begin my story. My dad listened carefully, "Well, son, I have to say that is a powerful story." She is a jerk even on a good day. Let's do something nice for her. "What?" I stand there in utter amazement that he would have the nerve to suggest niceness through such a tragedy. Doesn't he understand this requires revenge!"

"We'll bake her a cake." He smiled. I stand there insulted to the core that he would suggest such a thing. So the following evening, he gathers all the stuff together to make the best chocolate cake possible. Chocolate icing, chocolate mix, chocolate chips, it was chocolate overkill. I stood there insulted and heartbroken that he would have the nerve to be that nice. "This cake is a betrayal of the utmost trust in family ties." I declared in my head.

"Now I'm going to pick Lorraine up." moments later, he returns with her. She props her foot at the table. Then she proceeds to tell me what to do. Father stands there, "Go ahead, do it." "Insult to injury!" my heart is broken. I stood there and listened as the betrayal deepened. She even bragged about the day my face hit the seat and how hard she laughed, and my Father laughed with her.

Finally, it comes time for her to leave and go home. Father says, "to load up," meaning we all were going along, which is a very odd request. We pack the car and Lorraine in the front, her leg up in the seat of honor. Father then hands her the cake and says, "Here you take his home with you, ok. You have had a bad week. You deserve a break." Seeing this, I literally snorted in anger. Mother pinches me and says, "Shhh, wait." I'm like, "Why?" rolling my eyes and at this point inconsolable.

We start down the mountain, and my Father hits the breaks and shouts "Squirrel!" therein, throwing Lorraine's face into the confection. The mother then places her hand over my mouth tightly.

My Father just did that! I could not believe my eyes! I sat there jittery with excitement, so excited I couldn't contain myself. My mother was pinching me to calm me down. She was in on it too. She knew!

Lorraine sat in the seat, cake icing all over her face. Father laughing hits the brakes again there in thrusting her face into the cake a second time.

Two times! Could this be any better! This time Mother burst out laughing. I could swear I heard Lorraine growl. Which made this even funnier for my Father because he has a sadistic side "No pain, no gain." was his motto. Well, today, Lorraine gained a lot, and her pride took two nose dives literally.

We pull in. Father helps her get out the cake falls off the plate onto the seat. Huge slabs of it lie on her chest, some still on the plate. Her pride was wounded beyond recovery. She gets out and shuffles into the house. Father says, "Sorry about the cake. I hope you had a great time!"

She grunts and closes the door. Momma cleans the seat up and sits down. Father says, "Let's all go for ice cream." We drive down the road. My heart beamed with joy; I felt redeemed like my family had my back. My Father said on the drive down to the ice cream shop, "I bet she stops and thinks about quick stops the next time." Father was known for making the cake so good that it bypassed the middle man sick your face in it good.

The End