Living without Toby.

Living without Toby.

The years passed bye each day seemed like a month, a month a year, a year, infinite. The whole world had been so cruel that they in their complete ignorance for compassion and love most importantly their arrogance in ignorance to the case believed John and I had in some way been involved in our Sons disappearance. I campaigned tirelessly to keep Toby’s name and legacy alive, until I had complete forensic evidence to prove otherwise. I worked tirelessly with other parents who had their child kidnapped and we jointly worked together to ensure we brought awareness of how unsafe our planet has become to keep our children protected and safe from abduction by night or day, by strangers, friends, family and foes aware that we have to educate them to safety’s in order for us to survive as true people working towards humanity. As in truth I had pulled away from the Lord and God, I didn’t really notice but the years had hardened my heart, I didn’t Sin, but I didn’t pray and believe in God anymore, John and I separated through the strain of it all, the way in which; looking back now, we blamed ourselves for the loss of Toby, we felt guilty and a guilty conscience is the most destructive and life stealing emotion that the dark one implants within us, so we we loose our light, our zest for life and most of all , Unconditional Love to our Creator. The Dark One has you exactly where it wants you, preparing to fall for the evolution of the evolving matrix of hell.

Luckily ; some years through this John I decided to pull back together, to not let life keep robbing us and the Twins of a God filled love through Christ. To truly open up to the Lord; knock those cobwebs out and spring clean our lives, our home and let the Lord expel the darkness to allow clarity, understanding, compassion and love through the cross of our Lord Christ who carried his for us.

I wiped the dirt that had covered my face without me noticing and let the light shine back in; with renewed hope that the Lord was ready to bring forth answers.

I felt like a whole new level in my life that I couldn’t explain had started to revive, we were getting closer and new information on Toby’s disappearance from our Country and I really felt that we were going to get a breakthrough, whichever way it may be; but for us can you imagine after 17 years of torture and ridiculing from our country fellows, getting the answers we desperately and without a doubt, deserved.

You know I still sit and think about Toby, I still have his clothes; when I am in a world where I feel I couldn’t carry on any longer, it was weird, I used to be able to smell him, to feel a presence around me, comfort until I fell asleep. I still smell him to this day and what is crazy, since John and I and the Twins are living again with light and Love in our lives I feel Toby more than ever, its like a sign that subconscious minds can link up, and connect.

I received a phone call, it was the Home Office, they were updating us on the information given to them four years previously but had passed them to another agency in another country that hadn’t investigated them. They were now.

Nothing turned up for Toby in that he had been at that location, however it lead to more leads that were being followed up. Finally authorities were all pulling together it was wondrous but nerve racking, we had to again as a family get away from the judgemental public that all seemed to be Forensic, FBI , trained armchair watchmen. Pathetic really how I let them destroy my family life and peace for many years, when most of them cannot face themselves in the mirror, which made me think of Jesus “Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.” And they really don’t.

Anyway what is more important is that we are travelling around the world to meet people in all Countries, to talk and share our insights and experiences, our testimonies if you like and I know, I just know, I can feel it, Toby and I are going to be together in this one meeting by chance one day; but the future is not ours to see, so until then, as a family we will carry on our journey together in quest of life’s future together.

Amy came today, my great aunt; very precarious but funny, she brought the most wonderful bouquet of flowers. Lilies my favourite flower and in white, grandiose.

She adored Jessie and Frankie, always had a good relationship with them and they loved her dearly.

She had decided that while we had been so preoccupied with exams for college and I had decided to do a Doctrine course to become a paediatrician. When the Twins decided to go to University, I thought right, when they have finished their studies and passed their degrees, we can set up a family business working together in a Country full of poverty, suffering and death.

So good old Aunt Amy had treated us to a Mediterranean cruise, I was a little apprehensive at first but then I realised; No! This is going to be a new chapter in our lives.