Little Twinkling Lights

I sit outside my tent, warming my hands on the little burning campfire we lit because it is cold out here to say it is summer. We were supposed to be having a break from daily life. Our life at home is a bit stressful at the moment with work, and we both feel that we don't have time for each other anymore.

I look at the clear midnight blue sky in wonder. There are a million little twinkling stars out here, though they all look white to me.

I think to myself,

" There is color in the universe. A vast space of pretty hues of pink, and blue, brilliant shimmers of gold and silver; all designed to put the color and spirit back into life."

We had an argument last night because you left me sitting alone in the bar while you went to talk to another woman.

You never told me who she was, or why you went to talk to her. You left me sitting alone for most of the night.

Is it any wonder that I got mad at you?

I thought that you were having an affair, but you insisted that wasn't so.

"So why did you leave me?" I asked you, praying for some sort of logical explanation.

"She needed help," was the only explanation that you could give me.

You fell silent after that conversation, and the distance became awkward between us. Tonight, you left me alone again with no explanation other than,

"She wants to talk."

You won't even tell me her name!

I made the biggest mistake when I asked you if you were having an affair; you told me,

"It's all in your head."

These are regular words that come from you when you come home three days later from work and tell me that you're doing a night shift.

However, your contract hours are nine-to-five.

I watch the twinkling lights as they fade in and out, just like my life. I reflect on the last three years we have spent together;

"Am I really happy?" I ask aloud to no one in particular with tearful eyes and a sharp cutting pain that shoots straight from my heart when I fight to accept the answer.

"Yes then no." followed by, "yes then no" again.

The twinkling lights are hidden by the dark clouds that have covered my heart for many years.

I start to wake up to reality;

This is not the first affair that you have had, and even worse; lied to me about.

Echos of conversations from the past flood through me,

"It's 8 o'clock in the morning. You said you'd be home by 6 P.M. yesterday night. Where have you been?" I asked you, just before we came here.

"Sorry love, I had a late meeting."

Yet another excuse.

Another conversation took place between us, a few months before this.

"I have a photograph that I took in the bar where I saw you kissing her," I told you as I pulled that photograph out.

"That isn't me. It never happened. You need help," you told me.

As the pain of the past events and tonight's events flooded through me. I realized one thing;

You had been gaslighting me and cheating on me for years before this.

I had to make a very painful decision at that moment. For the sake of my mental health and sanity, I had to leave.

The lights in the sky reappeared for a split second, but their beautiful shimmer faded to the sinking rhythm of my heart.

At that moment, the tears overwhelmed me and my heart shattered into more pieces than I can count.

Despite the cutthroat pain, I put the fire out and packed my bags.

Then I left without telling you where I was going because I realized that the stars will only shine brighter once I was free from your mental torment.