Little Moments of Freedom

“I think …”

“Let me stop you there,” He says, his finger like ice as it covers my lips.

“You weren’t programmed to think. You were programmed to obey. Understand?”

“I might be evolving,” I joke, and shoot him a small smirk, before turning my back to him.

“You can’t do that either,” he sternly says before placing a hand on my shoulder, and gently turning me to face him.

He sighs, before placing both his hands on the sides of my face, and breathing in slowly. He stares deep into my eyes, and I hold his gaze. His thumb rubs my cheek gently and he moves his eyes around, but they stay steady on my face.

“I need everyone on my side tonight,” He finally lets out.

“I need you.” He continued, before looking at me for a brief moment and letting his hands fall to his side. He stared at me for another second, leaned his forehead against mine, and before I could take all of that in, it was gone. There was distance between us. There was space separating us.

It’s always been the little moments we share that make me love him more. It’s the soft hand graze at midnight when he turns in the middle of his sleep. It’s his soft breath on my neck as he takes my measurements and vitals to make sure I’m fine. It’s the small glances in the middle of our dinners when he asks me to pass the potatoes. Those are the moments where I feel as real as I can be.

“I’ll get changed so I’m ready for your speech, Mr. Mayor,” I say as I walk away and offer him a small smile while he stares at me for an extra second and looks away.

I’d wear the red dress just for him. He loves red. The color of blood, danger and passion. I’m wearing the nude heels for him, he adores those too. He says they look great with my skin color. I do my makeup the same way he taught me. I wear my hair the same way he always wants me to; half up and half down. I do it the way he wants me to because I don’t know how else to. It’s time. It’s his time. I think as I head downstairs ready.

My state of emergency. Their state of reality. It never gets better than this. I look around the crowded room and everyone’s tied up to another. I’m standing alone in a room full of people and the loneliness starts to creep in.

“You look great tonight,” a young man comments after embracing the woman in a red dress in front of me.

“”I just thought it looked great on the mannequin and imagined what it would look like on me. I’m glad you like it babe, I love it.” She cheerfully answers after doing a twirl and sinking into his arms and they waltz away.

Everything in life is a choice, that’s the notion that is preached over and over again. You choose life, or you choose death, you choose to be, or not to be. We have armies of people walking down the street matching for freedom, cause the choice is not available for them. We live in a world where everyone is free to be who they want, what they want and for those who aren’t they fight for their very right to be, because who doesn’t want to have a choice. Who doesn’t want to have moments of freedom?

My heart is beating. My mind is moving and soon enough my body is by his side, smiling and waving at his friends. I laugh at his every joke, I smile everytime he does, and when he walks away, so do I. We are in sync that way, I love him, that much I know, so the option of not loving him seems like a terrible privilege.

“Something on your mind?” he asks as he starts to examine me again. Examine not look. What is that?

“Nothing more than what you put in my system,” I joke and he lets out a small laugh before saying,

“And I gave you exactly what you wanted,” He says and smiles as he starts to walk and I automatically slip my fingers between his and follow him.

You never know what you have to miss, until you have nothing. You never know what you want, until you see everything.

“Okay, after my speech, I want you to come and congratulate me in front of everyone, So we can kind of hint at the family and babies part,” He told me while we were backstage getting ready for his speech.

“But I can’t have babies,” I reply and he smiles as he fiddles with his tie.

“It’s all a part of my ‘family man’ campaign illusion. No one’s going to believe I care for families, if I don’t look too concerned to have one,” he says and I pull his hands away from the tie and fix it for him.

“I’m a part of the illusion, yeah?” I whisper a question whose answer I knew, but I couldn’t stop my heart from hoping that it could be different someday.

“Honestly, we are all an illusion, if you think about it,” he says, trying to soften the blow.

“But you have choices, I don’t,” I finally let out and he stopped in his tracks. He puts his hands on top of mine and examines me again.

“What happened to you? Did someone mess with you?” He somewhat yells and a part of me can't help but regret, regret, regret?…

“No. No one touched me, I told you, I’m evolving. I want to be a human being, that’s all I want,” I start to yell back, and I yank my arms away from him, but he pulls one of my hands back in his grasp, and I lose the will to fight him.

“When people evolve they become better. You are already better than human beings, so that’s stupid to want to evolve to be a worse species,”

“You’re not listening to me,” I reply and he looks at me with a questioning look.

“I’m not supposed to listen to you,” He states and then rolls his eyes.

“If you don’t listen to me, why would you make me so I have to listen to you?” I cry and he looks shocked by my reaction and then takes a step back before answering me.

“Because that's what I needed, okay? I needed someone to listen to me and be there for me, someone I can trust, and right now I’m not even sure I have you on my side. This is the biggest night of my life, I finally have what I want and you are there by my side, isn’t that important enough? I’m sorry that I made you with the inability to love anyone, and I didn’t give you a choice, and to be honest, you don’t really need that, love is messy.” He finishes and stares at me for a second and looks away.

“No! You don’t get it. I don’t have the inability to love, I just have the inability to love anyone that isn’t you and that has never been my choice. I want it to be my choice. I want the freedom to love anyone and everyone. I want to be free to make choices. I want to be free to choose you,”

“What if you don’t?” He starts, before stopping himself and looking away. I reach out and place both my hands on his face, and slowly turn his head so he looks at me.

“What if you don’t choose to love me? What should I do?” he reiterates.

“You can’t let fear or your insecurity be the side stepping penny that carries both your narrative and mine. There will be someone who loves you, and I’ll be lucky if it’s me.”

“I’d be lucky if it’s me you love forever,” He whispers before gently smiling and laying me down on a chair. I felt his cold fingers graze against my skin as he unbuttoned my shirt slowly. He fumbled with a few buttons which made me giggle and he in turn fixed his gaze on my face. I saw a man, I saw my man. I saw a man who never allowed himself to feel, to be vulnerable, or love. I placed my hand on top of his, and made sure I was looking into his eyes when I was whispered,

“Maybe not tonight. You can fix me tomorrow after your big day. It will be my day tomorrow,” I finished just as the announcer called him to the stage. He held both my cheeks and kissed me passionately. Every nerve tingled, every chill ran down my spine. My head felt hazy. My heart spun. And then he gently pulled away and waved as he walked to the stage. He turned for one last moment to look at me and smile before heading out.

Maybe it’s also the big moments. Maybe it’s also the big moments that make you more free.