Little Brown Paper Mirage

I can't stop staring at it and it won't stop staring at me.

I grunt, I sigh, I even yell at it. I had pushed it to the other side of the table where it feels miles from me, yet it is arm's reach away. I shut my eyes, push my fingers into them, and cover my face with my hands for a couple minutes. As I uncover and open my eyes, I let my vision blur for a few seconds, thinking it is gone, hoping it has left somehow. I imagine it walked out on its own, knowing I wasn't up to its games today. I also imagine it implode into a million cardboard and paper pieces. I start to laugh, but this feeling doesn't last long when I see it still there, watching my every move, possibly hearing my thoughts.

"GOD!" I get up and yell, pushing my chair backwards too far that it falls to the ground with a clatter on the wood floor. I leave it and kick it to the side as I run my hands through my hair, pulling out strands from stress or just the inevitable changes of getting older. I wander around the room with my arms over my eyes and my feet shuffling along the floor. I feel my fluffy socks collecting the dust that I have been ignoring for the past few months.

"I can't do this!" I yell at it, expecting it to laugh at me and not give a care in the world what I want.

I immediately sit where I stood and feel the cold floor resonate through my body. Too cold. I reach to the couch next to me and pull the throw blanket slowly off and cover my whole body like a child in hiding.

My mind is running at a million miles a minute, and it's useless to try and grab ahold of it. I rub my forehead, I grab my head with both hands expecting everything to stop abruptly. I push harder into my temples, thinking pressure would help. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

"Gah! It's useless," I whisper to myself. I let my hands fall to the floor and feel my knuckles hit the wooden planks. I wince and rub my hands, letting my natural cold self be like an ice pack to my forming bruises. I bruise too easily. I need to take my vitamins, I need to start eating again, I need to get my sleep, I need to stop sleeping too much. Tears form in my eyes as my thoughts continue to overwhelm my being.

I close my eyes and for a second, all I see is her. She is far away, but I can tell it is her. She waves at me, slowly, as if she is caught in a mirage. I see her brown cardigan sway in the breeze as she tries to keep herself wrapped up. She takes a step towards me, but something jolts me awake and I open my eyes to darkness.

I was sleeping? I think to myself. I uncover my head from the blanket and wipe my sweaty forehead with the soft fleece. I look to my left and see the sun starting to set in between the other buildings, casting an orange glow over the settling city. I must have been sleeping for a couple hours.

I get up with my blanket wrapped around me, protecting me like an invisible cloak and slowly make my way around the table towards the kitchen. I don't let my eyes leave the package until I get to the cupboard where I keep my tea packets. I make one last threatening look at the package, daring it to move. After a while, I turn around and start to make myself a hot cup of tea that will hopefully warm my soul the way she used to do. I put the tea kettle on the black stovetop and turn to lean on the counter while it boils. I look at the package and wrap myself up more, trying to hide again.

I hear her voice, I hear her laugh. She calls to me and I look to my left into the living room now. She sits on the couch, and laughs hysterically as she watches her favorite show. She knows every line and has seen this exact episode so many times that she can recite it by heart, yet she laughs as if it is the first time she is watching this scene. I slowly walk over and put my hand on her shoulder, rubbing her cardigan and smelling her vanilla lotion. She doesn't notice when I lower and place a kiss on the top of her head. I stay there, and feel her laugh move her whole body. I feel her thin, brown hair tickle my chin and I feel my tears run down my cheeks, feel them fall into the few strands of hair she has left. I feel my body start to quake with the sadness I have been trying to avoid. I feel her hand on top of mine and look up, but there is nothing. My television screen is black and I stare into my reflection, leaning over the couch with my hair scattered around my face in a mess of grease and dust. My hand on top of nothing, but a pillow stained with spills and tears.

I begged. I still beg. "I promise to be a better person, I promise to be kind and honest to everyone always. Please, if you just spare her from this pain, spare me from this pain," I prayed. I prayed through tears, I prayed in screams of agony hoping someone would hear. I was met with silence and then I was met with heartbreak.

I jolt from the misery that replays in my mind twenty-four seven to the whistling sound of my tea kettle. I had ended up on the floor again in a heap of despair, tears staining my face like always.

I get up and head to the kitchen, hurrying past the package, and take the tea kettle off the burner, listening to the whistle fade away and the silence caving in on me. I stop. I turn slowly to face my challenge I never thought I would be strong enough to take on, especially by myself.

I feel my head begin to hurt and my hands go up to comfort the stinging pain that I get when I try to hold tears in. I drop my blanket and let it fall to my feet like a wounded animal. I cry, I let my heart break once more, and let my legs move towards the table. In a few steps, eternity in my mind, I look down at the package below me and see my tears stain the brown paper that envelops the box. I see the paper wrinkled around the corners and small damages to the the box itself, but the most prominent discovery I found was the smell of vanilla. Am I hallucinating again? I thought. Who knows anymore? I continue to look down and run my hands over the small words imprinted on the side, "For my sunshine, always". I let out a small laugh. "Even your sunshine couldn't brighten up these dark times," I say.

This was not supposed to come today. I didn't even know it had appeared. I walked out from my room this morning to see it sitting here, watching me. I froze, just as I am frozen now. I feel a chill down my spine and I feel my mind fall in on itself. I close my eyes and feel her hands on my shoulder, comforting me like she always did.

"Alright, we can do this together, Mom," I whisper.

I move my hands and slowly start to unravel the brown paper, crying at every fold.