Lifetimes Ago

Conners death was something he had always feared in the back of his mind, but vaguely enough he recalled that he knew it was coming and the event itself wasn't painful. At the time, he was swallowed by a darkness blacker than the darkest unlit night, the darkness never brightened or went away. And in that darkness he floated amongst the nothingness, for hours, or days, maybe even months until he felt a strange sensation overcome his being. ‘How is it possible that I can feel anything?’ he pondered, overwhelmed by the unexplainable sensations that consumed him. Suddenly before him, the face of a seemingly holy being manifested into the dark. At first, it seemed that this face was twisted but as it came into focus, he realized that face of this ethereal being was turned up in joy. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt that kind of joy, even when he was alive. And before he knew it, the God-like being lifted a finger larger than the trunk of the biggest tree you can imagine and tapped Conner ever so gently, yet this touch was powerful enough to send him spiraling down, on and on into nothingness. An unknown amount of time passed before the unthinkable happened.

Conner opened his eyes, to see a brilliant cloudless sky above him. And as he felt a mixture of awe and shock, he gasped and drew in the purest breath he had ever inhaled. He blinked and turned slowly to his left to see a woman that was unmistakably beautiful. Her face was turned up towards the sun, eyes closed and brimmed with the fullest, darkest lashes he had ever seen. Her disposition radiated peace. Her complexion was that of the earth, deep and smooth, and as much as he tried to channel the hatred and disgust, he once felt for all un-Arian races, a pang of infatuation tugged at his heart as he gaped as this beautiful creature. Her eyes opened to reveal dark brown pools that shined with kindness and as she turned to him she smiled, a knowing loving smile undeniably meant for him. Unable to meet this gaze, he turned and tried his best to take in his surroundings realizing he was at a spring. Littered with white and yellow flowers, scattered throughout various clearings. The sound of water trickling through the placid, transparent geyser would have been soothing if Conner had even the slightest inkling of what was going on. Instead, it went unnoticed and as he scrambled to his feet he approached the lake in hopes that by splashing water onto his face, he would either wake up from this all too realistic dream or spiral back into nothingness. He kneeled down at the edge of the water and as he leaned in, every wisp of air left his body and his blood ran cold as he met the eyes of his reflection, the man that stared back at him was black.

“What the- no no no, this can't be!” he cried Grasping at his chest he stumbled back from the edge of the water. He was overcome with confusion and denial. How could he be the epitome of all the hatred he had for others in his past life. His mind raced as he remembered all the lives, he took from people of color in his time fighting against desegregation. His family had long taught him to believe in white superiority, and that those with darker skin were ‘a different lowlier kind of people, closer to an animal’. So why was it that he felt so human now? “Don’t look so depressed. Worse things have happened” a light voice chimed in, tearing Conner away from his thoughts. He was so deep into his own mind he had forgotten she was even there. “Excuse me?” “You’ve been given another chance Conner” he whipped his head around looking at her noticing how her eyes glimmered with the same amusement he recognized from the God-like deity that tapped him. “Your name in this life won’t be Conner but I thought that would catch your attention, and before you ask how I know you- I don’t. not yet at least I only know of you.” The confusion grew deeper as the beautiful woman spoke and he opened his mouth to reply “What do you- who are you? How do you know my name and where are we?” he cried with a hitch of urgency in his tone. “My name is Najweh, and see that’s the problem with humans, you see life as a question, you try to acquire answers for everything, knowing even once you have them you won’t be satisfied. You have just been given a miracle-” “I didn’t ask for a miracle” Conner muttered shaking his head with his eyes fixed on her. He never heard a woman, much less one of color speak so perplexingly. “All the thoughts and ideas you held in your past life weren’t your own. They were taught to you. Imprinted in your mind” as she spoke Conner had a memory of the first black man he ever saw being lynched. He remembered the uncomfortable dread that sat in the pit of his stomach as a little boy at the time, and how he saw the fear in that man’s eyes moments before all signs of life left his body. He remembered how his father beat him that night for crying when the black man died. That was the last time he could remember feeling any sympathy for a person of color. “If this is a miracle why did I get brought back as a nig-” The woman’s piercing eyes stopped Conner’s derogatory remark before he could finish it. “You’ve known the truth all along, what’s on the outside has never mattered. You were taught to believe in a lie. Now with the gift of another lifetime, it is up to you to live differently. According to what really matters.” Conner pondered Najwehs words as memories of the life he remembered seemed to drift further and further away. He would’ve never considered what she was saying to be true before. Now looking down at his earth[colored skin, he didn’t have much of a choice. “And what is it that really matters?” he asked her. She reached for Conner’s hand, and when her skin met his, it was comfortingly warm. His breath hitched in his throat, it had been so long since he had any physical contact with another human being... or whatever this woman was. She placed his hand on his own heart “close your eyes” she instructed, and he did. With his eyes closed everything around him felt closer. He took note of his own strong steady heartbeat, letting the fact that he was actually alive sink in. He had floated around in the vast nothingness of the afterlife for so long that eventually, it became him. It wasn’t until this very moment that he realized how much he missed it. The feeling of being something sentient. As he continued to feel his heartbeat, his breath fell in sync with it. Noises from the outside world became more prominent in his consciousness. Birds sang sweetly, and water trickled slowly as a breeze drifted through the treetops. With his eyes closed everything that was happening outside of him felt like it was happening inside. “That is what matters” Najweh chimed in as if reading his thoughts. With his eyes still closed, it almost felt like her voice was inside of him too. “Your heart connects you to everything living. The trees, the birds, all of nature, and the cosmos. Most importantly it connects you to all other human beings. In your past life, you were too blinded by hate to see the value in those connections. In this lifetime these connections will be all that matters. Now that you undeniably know what matters, it is up to you to teach others. Your redemption will be the truth.” At first, Conner wanted to fight back, he wanted to say something that would’ve made his father proud or his old friends smile. He wanted to resist Najwehs foreign perspective on life, but in that moment with Najwehs warm hand over his, all he could think about was the cruelty he inflicted on so many people of color in his past life. How he dehumanized them in his mind yet how somewhere in the back of his mind he always knew it was wrong. He had buried the guilt under his fathers reassuring words of hate and the like-minded words from the people he used to surround himself with. And it had been so easy. Hot tears swelled underneath his eyelids as he saw all the faces of the people he hurt so long ago. How did he not feel the connection Najweh spoke so confidently about back then? “It happened lifetimes ago” she whispered, Tears fell freely as he opened his eyes and looked into Najwehs deep pools of undeserved sympathy. And they were like a gateway into her soul. The connection was unlike anything Connor had ever felt before, “The guilt isn’t yours to hold onto anymore, let the pain go so that there will be room in here” – she tapped lightly on his heart- “for more love.” “But all those people… everything I stood for” “Is gone.” Najweh finished. Standing up she offered her hand and without hesitation, he took it noticing how beautiful their skin looked next to one another. Surprised at his own thought he stood and wondered what life would be like with such a different mindset. One that stemmed from the belief that all beings were connected instead of his old belief system that stemmed from hate and superiority. He closed his eyes and breathed in the earthy smell that characterized the spring, feeling connected to the nature around him the same way he felt connected to Najweh. ‘Your name in this lifetime won't be Conner’ he remembered her words and when he opened his eyes to ask what his name would be she had vanished. He didn’t bother looking around he knew she was no longer there. Somehow though, he knew that he would see her again