Life After Life

I got knocked out of my bike. My body got ejected far from it. My head slammed on the cement floor. I didn’t lose consciousness, but I couldn’t move. My body felt so heavy and I had no energy left to move a muscle. Maybe my spine got damaged and made me paralised. I felt sleepy, so sleepy. My breathing was laborious and faint. My lungs hurt a little. My whole body hurted. My head was spinning. My vision got blurry, then everything turned black. I couldn’t really understand what was happening around me, but I could feel everything in my body. The pain slowly lessened and it almost seemed as if I was surrounded by stars just like a night sky. It was as if I was laying on a floating floor. Or maybe more as if I was floating in the water of a deep sea. It wasn’t as if I was drowning, it was as if I was dreaming.

“Oh! That’s it. This is the end.” I thought.

Nothing was hurting anymore. Tears slowly flowed through my eyes. Those tears didn’t have any meaning though. I wasn’t sad, nor angry, nor anything else. It made me think of the tears we make when we’re tired. It’s not because of emotions, nor can we explain why we have them. I was still floating, not knowing what to do nor where to go.

“I wonder what will happen… Will my soul disappear? Just like a flame that slowly dies down? A last lucid moment before stopping to existe?”

I felt less of my body every second. It was as if the only thing that would remain were my thoughts.

“Maybe heaven exists, but if it does, what prevents me from going to hell? Even if I do go to heaven, wouldn’t it be boring after an eternity of pure bliss? Won’t we want to die there too after a few eternities in a world of pure happiness? What about hell? If I am destined to hell, will I really be stuck there for all eternity? Thinking about it, what does eternity look like? Will I really be able to live through it? The eternity in a second. Now I understand why some people say that an eternity can fit in a second. Because a second can stretch for all eternity. I also understand why someone told me the afterlife could be a fragment of your imagination in your last moments. Just like a dream. Is death in fact dreaming for all eternity? Is life even real? What if I was just a character in the dream of a celestial being? Maybe my life didn’t make any sense to begin with… Thinking about it, shouldn’t I be grieving my own death? Why doesn’t it feel like a loss? What will happen now? And when will it happen? I feel like it’s already been a while since I lost my sense of reality. I don’t even remember what it feels like to have a body. By the way, will I have a new one. Will I get reincarnated? It’s already been a while since I’m dead. Do I need to move and find my own afterlife? Is ‘the light after the tunnel’ really just the exit of a womb? Or maybe should it be heaven? I have no idea. I feel that I have even more questions about death now that I died compared to when I was alife. Am I stuck in here forever with my own thoughts as my only company? It shouldn’t be that bad, it’s quiet and I don’t feel any pain or discomfort. Can we really live forever a happy and peaceful life only by taking out the pain, discomfort and anxiety of my life? Won’t I become crazy after a while? I don’t remember much of my past life. Was I a girl? Maybe I was a boy… I don’t remember. I don’t know if I feel more like a girl or a boy… What was gender anyway? And sex… I don’t remember anything of what and who I was. What was my name? When was I born? How old was I when I died? How did I die? I thought we were supposed to see our whole life pass in front of our eyes before dying… Not only didn’t I see anything of it, I don’t even remember it. Maybe this is purgatory. The place we go before our destined afterlife. Then, when will my time in purgatory be over? I feel like now would be the best time for anything. Going to heaven, disappearing, reincarnating, losing consciousness or going crazy. I already… feel… like words…”

I slowly lost my ability to think with words. It was more and more like an impression, a sensation. I forgot what it was like to be alive, I forgot the languages I learned while I was living, I forgot everything little by little. I felt as if I was becoming a star just like all the others surrounding me. Maybe they were souls all along. At this point, nothing mattered. Disappearing as a soul, reincarnating, going to a possible heaven or staying here for all eternity. Nothing mattered. I was just a soul anyway, not even a conscious soul. I felt as if souls were eternal, but I didn’t know if souls could go somewhere else than here after they quit their bodies. I was just a soul with no consciousness. Consciousness was futile anyway. Why would it be any good to me? It would make me crazy. It would make me regret things. It would make me get bored. It would make me look back. It wouldn’t help me for any sort of afterlife I could have. Everything has a chance to get bad if we’re conscious about it. If we’re conscious that the world we’re in is not logical with the rules of our past life we won’t be able to adapt correctly. So it’s better to lose consciousness and find a new one that is better suited for the after life that awaits us. Maybe that’s how we choose our afterlife…

Everything became blank around me. I realised that it was the start of my afterlife. I could only wonder one thing; What will it be?

The end.