Leilah's Peace

When you spend all your time pretending to be happy but your emotions are so much more than that eventually it takes a toll. A heavy one at that. "She's always so happy!" She heard this all the time and quite frankly Leilah got tired of those words. She tried to explain how she was feeling to those closest to her, her boyfriend Jake the most. But after so many attempts she just stopped trying. She couldn't tell him about her sadness, her feelings of loneliness or feeling unaccomplished and worthless more often than not without him taking it as some sort of personal attack against their relationship or assuming she felt as though he wasn't treating her well enough. She couldn't handle that, she really just wanted some comfort and reassurance.

Leilah got tired of being accused of being overly dramatic and ridiculous so she just stopped trying to talk about it. She was embarrassed to talk to doctors about it because "What if it was all in her head?" And she didn't actually feel that way? Too many times Jake asked her why she didn't act a certain way in front of other people and why she wasn't showing her “true self” but pretending to be happy and friendly all the time when they weren't alone together. This hurt her immensely, he was never going to understand. So, she just stopped talking about and started keeping everything locked up inside, which didn’t help. He was her safe place, he is supposed to be the one person she could tell anything to even if it wasn't always pleasant. Her biggest and darkest secrets are supposed to be confided in him without judgment but that's all she felt from him lately. Less and less love and more and more criticizing comments in his voice and a lack of belief in his eyes. Leilah didn't know how much more she could handle. She was tired of pretending to be this perfectly perfect person for everyone when all she wanted to do was lock herself up alone and lay there and cry.

One day she decided that maybe a walk would help and fresh air might make her feel better. Leilah decided to walk down the road a short way to a place she felt always provided so much peace to her when she was younger, at a time she felt more carefree. It was a little bit chilly as it had snowed the day before but the sun was bright and reflected on the dying yellow leaves of the trees along the unpaved road. It made for a beautiful site to see. As she got closer, she could see the glossy shine of the frozen pond off in the short distance. Once she arrived at it she sat on the embankment for a while just thinking and watching the wonders of nature. "Absolutely gorgeous" she thought to herself. She sat there until the sun started to go down just lost in daydreams of better days and imagined more glorious days to come. She felt the cold winter wind hit her face and she snapped back to reality realizing it was time she should probably head home.

She walked the short distance to her house and once she entered through the front door she saw that Jake was passed out on the couch. "Had he even noticed that she was gone so long?" Leilah thought to herself. "Did he even care?" Of course this didn't help with her feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt but she didn't bother walking him up. She just went straight to their room and went to bed. She didn't even worry about changing into her pajamas either, at this point it was too much of an effort and she really didn't care. The next morning Jake never even mentioned the fact that she had been gone for hours the day before. She didn't bring it up either. Was there really a point anymore? He was seemingly noticing her less and less these days as he was too busy being into his own things, playing on his phone for hours on end, watching shows that she wasn't interested in, talking on the phone to people she didn't care for, yet expecting more and more of her each day while he stopped making any sort of attempt at all. All the while being completely oblivious to his own girlfriend's hurt and cries for help. She gave up on it all and started spending a lot of time going for the same walk each time she got a chance, which was at least 3-4 times a week. The destination at the end of that dirt road had become her therapy.

Leilah continued to do this walk for at least a month. Each time the air becoming colder and colder as the heavy parts of winter were beginning to hit. Now with snow coming down at least every few days or so her walks usually included trekking through the lovely white blankets of ice. But to her it was all worth it. She took that walk one last time. The same routine as before. Walking down the unpaved dirt road amongst the beautiful yet dying trees with the bright winter sun shining through and illuminating the ice all around. She sat in the exact same spot on the embankment every time. But this time being lost in her thoughts was different. She sat in a gaze for quite a while not really thinking about anything, almost as if she was in a trance. She noticed a small break in the icy water close to where she spent most of her time. She watched it for a while as it cracked a little more and she smiled. All her cares, worries, feelings of unworthiness, pretending to be happy when she wasn't, all of these feelings just suddenly vanished. She stood up, her black knee high boots over her dark blue jeans covered at the feet in snow. She pulled her dark brown hair into a ponytail and her light brown eyes glistened in the sunlight. She zipped up her tan leather jacket and started walking towards the open area. She never stopped when she arrived at the broken point in the ice. She just kept walking. She didn't feel a thing. Her body wasn't cold. She didn't shiver. She continued to keep going until her body was fully submerged into her own icy grave. She found her comfort and her peace the day she walked into that frozen pond.

No one ever found Leilah after that day but her boot prints remained stamped in the snow for almost the entirety of winter. And while she was never recovered, each year around the same time many have claimed to see her sitting on the embankment or calmly walking into the broken ice of that frozen water with a smile on her face.

Written by: Crystal McGraw