Leaving Unknown

She replayed the argument in her head over and over as she drove. This had been the most confusing fourteen hours she could remember in a very long time. None of it made sense, and very possibly, that was the point. She attempted to stay very small in their situation and stay to herself as much as possible. The opportunity to plant seeds and jumpstart her goals seemed to have had her blinded to the environment. And the wait of winter must have turned into a weight. So many things she could have done differently over these past four months, and her mind kept replaying them all.

“Someone is coming.” a voice interjected

She looked around, knowing there was no one else in the car with her. It was a woman’s voice, very clear and to the point, simply an informative statement.

She was able to take some clarity from this voice, for hearing things that were not physically there was a gift she had had for many years. In the big picture, such a thing helped the morning make a little more sense. So, someone else is coming, why the big to-do? It is always easier to simply explain these things, why is it so hard for some to be honest. (This is a question she ended up having answered, but that is a story all its own for another time.)

She had been woken up extremely early, loudly and hostile, to hear every challenge she had presented in a year’s time being thrown back to challenge her. Being awoken this way after four hours of sleep left the brain not quite ready to process alertly. She had known something was wrong when she went to bed, and had simply accepted that whatever he was dealing with did not need her interjection. The accusations she was hearing had her spinning through situations and moments over the past months. She hadn’t even put herself out to him wholly, much less offered anything to anyone else. And she was being told the whole house believed she was attempting infidelity with the man of the house, and even worse, he believed it too.

By the time she arrived at her first destination, she had been able to assess and accept that she had probably spent too much time in another woman’s home. The small fall harvest had been a blessing, and sometimes, strong women have personality conflicts. It had been three months since the harvest, and her focus on the season plans had been changed. It was simply frustrating that no one had bothered to tell her.

She camped by the river that night, keeping her thoughts as much as she could on the positives. Remembering songs and dances, and looking to the future. Yes, she had spent a year with him, but never really allowed to open up. He should be easy to let go of, she thought. Yes she had fallen, but had never been given a reason to; so that was something else to address.

She found herself tired just as the sun set, and laid herself down beside the crackling fire. When she closed her eyes, a bright flash of blue and green light came behind her eyelids, accompanied by one of the most intense surges of grief she had ever experienced. She gasped as she had to catch her breath and then burst into tears. Feeling the depth of her heart breaking; she could almost feel it being ripped from her chest.

She awoke with the sun and felt the need to simply get away. She remembered hearing about a lodge in the mountains that was quiet and secluded. And decided that it would be a good place to visit as she made plans for what comes next. For she had been so busy preparing in mind for the coming season, she had not considered needing a back up. And so, she prepared for a trip into the mountains.

Much to her disappointment, she found that over the course of the next couple weeks she just couldn't get him off of her mind. As she travelled, she drove in silence mostly, and would periodically talk about future plans out loud to attempt to get her mind working in the proper direction. But every time it came back to him. Not in any kind of spiteful or angry manner, more in connection with the strong sense of grief she had felt the night by the river. It pulled at her harder each time and forced her to look at the situation in a much different perspective.

When she arrived at the mountain lodge, she was extremely discombobulated with emotion. Her thoughts reeled with possibilities. Had there been an accident? Had he gotten sick? Was he still alive? The bottom line he had given her that morning was that he felt she had ‘stabbed him in the back’, and a plethora of worries emerged within her from that statement.

But of course, with her hard-headed stubbornness, she was not going to call him to see. It had been over a month since she left and they had not communicated at all. She decided her best bet was to try to connect with his energy. They had spent many months sitting with each other that a decent enough telepathic connection had been established. And so, on a spring evening, she sat down in a field with the view of the rocky mountains in the background.

First, she connected with the energy of the mountain, saw it’s aura as it expanded, acknowledging her attention. She closed her eyes and began the search within, as she had done many times over the years just to check on loved one’s energies. She reached out for him with love, compassion and an intent only to check for his well being.

To her concern, she could not find him. And to make the concern worse, she could not find him on the other side of the veil either. All of this paralyzed her, for if he is not alive and he is not dead- where did his energy go?

She opened her eyes as the sun set behind the mountain as again a great feeling of grief gripped her. This time, panic was added to the mix, and again she cried herself to sleep.

She awoke before the sun the next morning, and after making her coffee she ventured out onto the deck of the lodge. It was a large, nearly empty deck, with only a few chairs and one table set up. She sat down at the table looking out towards the mountain and began to connect with it’s energy. She felt an amazing surge of love deep within her as she found her thoughts back on him. Today, it was not shrouded with fear and grief; but more a myriad of emotions of every moment of love that was shared, even if neither of them had been aware at the time. She closed her eyes and saw his face, quietly whispering, “I love you.”

As she slowly opened her eyes again, the mountain loomed in the distance, though it seemed to be closer than it was when she had closed them. She noticed the clouds, light wispy cirrus clouds that gave a look of silk to the sky. There were birds flying in the distance, what looked like a dozen circling vultures barely visible. As she watched them, she began to notice something seeming to separate from the group and fly closer, she noticed that whatever it was was flashing like a green traffic light. It did not show any characteristics of being a bird; no wings flapping. To her, it almost seemed as if it was one of those orbs that show up in your eye when you are fighting to see properly, and bright green. She was now overly interested, so she decided to go find her camera.

Of course, as things do when you are in a hurry, she had trouble finding the camera. It took more than five minutes of her rummaging through her very few belongings to find it somehow tucked neatly under the bed in her room. Frustrated when she found it, she was sure the object would be gone.

Much to her surprise, when she got back to the deck, the object was still the same distance away it had been when she went to grab the camera. She stood at the doorway and watched it begin to fly closer again, not too fast, but quicker than a bird would be making it the distance. She began to snap pictures, some holding the button down and others attempting to focus on the light. It came right up to the handrail of the deck, before sitting down on the wood and disappearing. She took one final picture of the deck after it faded.

Although she still had no idea what she had seen and was even more confused about it’s disappearance, she was grateful that her mind had been put in a different direction. She was now running through possibilities of the light instead of worrying about him. It was a more comfortable place for her to be in.

She drove the days back to her parents home again in silence, talking to herself every now and then when a possible concept of what she saw came to mind. Only once did she connect it with him.

……………

It had been a week since her trip, and she found herself feeling that strong sense of grief coming back one afternoon. She was at the house alone, and so she decided to download the pictures she had taken. She plugged in the camera and the phone rang, pushing the start button, she went to answer.

She would never be prepared for what was on the other side of that call.

It was Emily, the woman who’s home they had stayed for the winter. She was calling to inform that he had, in fact, gotten into a type of accident. Emily stated that she didn’t think it had been an accident at all, as he had been working on splitting wood, and against everything of his character, swung the axe into his own back. Emily described the day as one that he was quite angry, and apologized for taking so long to contact her. Figuring the nature of their relationship, she was grateful that Emily had called to tell her at all. Her heart sank, she knew exactly when it had happened, and though had felt it already, she now knew where the void within her heart had originated. Still left her questioning as to why she couldn’t connect or find his energy when she looked though.

As she hung up the phone the computer beeped that it was finished with the download. And what she found was the most amazing feeling of love she could imagine.

She had just found out that the man she loved had died, months before, and she could not imagine relief from that thought, and the universe knew this. As she went through her pictures, the very last one absolutely took her breath away.

The empty deck of the lodge was full, chairs and what seemed like a wedding set up filled the space that she had sat on alone. There had been no one else on the deck that day, but here, in this picture, were five very clear silhouettes and the entire picture was in a green light.

She looked in awe, studying the figures in the picture. It was him, the one closest to her! She could make out his hair and his shape, he was turned toward her and she could feel, through the picture, him reaching out for her.

He had brought the band.

When nothing else in the world can calm a broken heart, it is the moments we truly connect with love that show us the light.