Kinder Cosmic

Kinder Cosmic

“On the Outskirts of Everything...”

Sometime in the near future; SETI has captured a strange, indecipherable signal originating from within deep space.

Somewhere just beyond the reaches of the Kuiper belt, the signal is far too complex and embedded with rhythmic patterns to be a force of nature. For months scientists and astronomers have mulled over the signal superimposing it on spectrographs, using advanced computer systems and data processing equipment to try to discern what it might mean exactly.

None succeed; though a few things are determined: the signal is infact of alien origin and distinct images recovered from it take the very same shape of a mysterious hieroglyph found throughout various ancient structures and texts.

In conjunction with NASA; the United States Space Force plans a mission into deep space to determine the source of the mysterious signal.

In charge of this mission is the young captain Luna Valentina; her mission statement: first find whether or not the source of the signal itself is a product of extraterrestrial, intelligent life. If so; serve as a representative of earth to establish communication and diplomatic relations with any newfound intelligent life.

After many months of travel throughout deep space on an extensive, dangerous, and daring mission of "space odyssey" like proportions of which there will be no great detail; because it's actually rather boring and not quite relevant to this story.

Captain Luna and her crew find themselves arriving at their mysterious destination...

Loosely orbiting around the kuiper belt is what looks to be a small dwarf planet, on closer inspection the crew realizes that this celestial object isn't really a planet at all but rather a large comet that's been retrofitted as a small colony, a habitable satellite of sorts.

Peppered along it’s surface are small dome-like objects and other structures of a technological origin, illuminated by low level blue lighting.

The crew quickly comes to a consensus that this must be the source of the mysterious signal, so they begin preparations for landing to meet earth’s potential newfound neighbors.

Serving as a diplomatic liaison; Luna boards the vessel’s lander to meet the small colonies natives, if they’re still around.

As the lander touches ground and Luna steps onto the colony’s surface; off in the distance she spots a figure moving towards her coming from the direction of one of the domes.

From the short distance of the lander’s position Luna can barely make out the appearance of the small, lanky, shadowy figure walking towards her. And as the figure approaches it's features become easier and easier to perceive in the dim lighting of the colony and the space lander’s floodlights.

The being she sees before her can best be described as a "grey" alien; about 5ft in height, it’s anatomical structure and facial features are humanoid in nature. It's body composition, although smaller and thinner than your average human appears more in common with that of an anemic adolescent than some of the more detailed historical sightings of greys throughout history.

All the while as the mysterious creature approaches the human astronaut; it can be seen flicking it's head from side to side and waving it's arms periodically, making audible "groaning" noises and muttering in an indesipherable dialect.

The creature finally approaches, then pauses before Luna and starts speaking in a language not understood by man.

Luna stares back at the creature in a bemused wonder.

The small alien holds up a single, extended digit then starts fiddling with a piece of technology fitted around it's neck.

Alien: "hold on"

She can hear the words spoken by the grey alien as it continues fiddling with the piece of equipment fitted around it’s neck.

Alien: "There....had to set my translator to "water-head monkey"”.

Luna can now hear the words spoken by the creature with an unfettered clarity as it continues to speak:

Alien: "WHAT!?!?"

Captain Luna steps forward towards the alien and introduces herself.

Luna: Greetings on behalf of the planet earth! I am Captain Luna, what’s your name?

To which the creature responds snidely:

Alien: Name? We don't have "names" those are a human construct; attributed to the need to feel important, individual, a false sense of security in one's own identity. When really not a one of you are all that different from the next...

Luna stares at the creature blankly, taken aback as the first words spoken between the two species did not go quite the way she had anticipated.

Luna: Well then.....what should I call you?

Alien: I'm the one that lost at the game of "rock, paper, scissors"...

The human astronaut had quickly begun to realize that the small alien standing before her was not amused or impressed by her show of hospitality.

Luna: Then how about this? Since you're the first representative of your kind that Ive met, could I call you "alpha"?

Alpha: I don't give a shit...

The alien glances at the lander planted on the colonies surface, standing behind her.

Alpha: What do you want?

And so Luna tells him of earth’s astronomers, how they found an alien signal emitting from the Kuiper Belt and followed it.

As she continues speaking she can feel a sense of irritation overtake the creature as it uses one hand to massage it’s cranium.

Once she finishes speaking Alpha quickly turns back towards the dome from which he came and yells into the darkness as if speaking to another.

Alpha: "SHIT! Jorg! Turn off that audio transmitter!"

Luna can hear a commotion off in the distance as another voice yells back from within the structure.

Jorg: Awww maaaan! But my favorite songs playin...

Alpha: "TURN THAT BULLSHIT OFF THEY FOUND US!"

Luna watches in astonishment as the two voices bicker before her, the treble of their voices trailing off into the darkness of space. Then suddenly she hears a series of banging, rattling, and smashing sounds as another figure stumbles and staggers it’s way outside of the dome.

This alien looks alot like Alpha but is slightly shorter and of a stockier build.

Jorg: I'M HIGH AS FU-

As the little alien staggers out of a nearby dome with a crystalline powder residue all over his face. Luna can’t quite help but feel like the little grey casts a shadow and commotion much larger than himself.

He freezes mid-step, looks at the human quizzically, rubs his eyes and then cocks his head to the side as if trying to reconcile the image standing before him.

While Jorg stares at the human he staggers backwards then leans forward and squints at her keenly:

Jorg: .....Is it real?

Alpha: Yes Jorg, it's real...

Alphas eyes lock with those of the human astronaut.

Alpha: Alright, what's it going to take?

Luna: Excuse me?

Alpha steadies himself with a sense of stern, dispassionate composure and speaks once more:

Alpha: What am I gonna have to give you in order for you to get your soft, oily, pale ass off my cosmic porch? To go back to pretending you're an evolutionary fluke, a one in a trillion chance of life forming within this universe and that we never even existed?

Luna listens with her mouth agape and at a loss for words because her training prepared her for any potential outcome...except this one.

Luna: But....why?

Alpha: Because the last thing I ever wanted to deal with when I woke up this solar cycle was you people and your bullshit.

Luna shrugs and holds both her arms out plaintively in response:

Alpha: Do you really think that we weren't already perfectly aware of your existence? Aeons ago, after countless failed attempts to educate and enlighten the failed evolutionary experiment that is mankind we just gave the entire ordeal up because you people are a lost cause.

Luna stares back pitifully as Alpha continues:

Alpha: You’re genetically predispositioned to ruin everything you touch, including yourselves and especially each other. We decided long ago to leave your kind on your own in the boonies of the galaxy, all in your own sandbox entertaining yourselves like the slow kid in daycare that likes to bite.

Luna looks at Alpha with a renewed sense of determination, she left the earth seeking answers and she was intent on finding them:

Luna: I came all this way...could you atleast answer a few questions?

Alpha: If it'll get you to fuckoff, then yes.

Luna: We found these hieroglyphs carved in a strange, unrecognized language on the Egyptian pyramids. They also accompanied the signal emitted by your “audio transmitter”.

She holds up various photocopies of the symbols in question.

Luna: What do they mean?

Alpha glances at the prints of the hieroglyphs momentarily and then glares towards Jorg, visibly annoyed.

Alpha: What did I tell you?

Jorg: But it's my signature...

Alpha: I TOLD YOU THAT WORTHLESS "BANKSY SHIT" WAS GONNA COME BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS!

Jorg: You can't put a value on fine art...

*Alpha snatches a print of the hieroglyphs from the human and looks down at it once more.

Alpha: That "fine art" isn't even spelled correctly, dumbass.

Luna interjects, eagerly seeking to understand the context of the esoteric in joke.

Luna: What does it say??

Alpha answers flatly

Alpha: "Jorg wuz hear"

Luna giggles to herself quietly, quickly composing herself once more to petition Alpha.

Luna: We also found a chamber beneath the sphinx with one of those same hieroglyphs carved into the side of one of it's paws.

Alpha speaks confusedly

Alpha: What's a sphinx?

Luna: A half lion, half man ancient statue.

Alphas look of confusion turns to one of humor as he begins to chuckle to himself

Alpha: oh shit! That's still there?

Luna: What's ins-

Alpha: Don't worry about it.

Luna questions further as Alpha interrupts her line of questioning.

Meanwhile, Jorg is squatting near a large flat stone pillar with a small crystal in hand, smashing it into powder with a rock.

He pauses, then looks Luna straight into her eyes, grins mischievously and quickly slams his face into the powdery residue formed of the smashed crystals as he inhales deeply breathing in the dust of the crystals through his little nose holes.

Jorg: OOOOooooooaaaaahhhh!

The little alien then looks towards Alpha and speaks once more:

Jorg: By the way you know we're all outta exocrystals? Gonna have to go to Earth and re-up soon...

Alpha: SHUT UP JORG!

Luna perks up quizzically towards Alpha’s loss of composure and obviously thwarted attempt at secrecy.

Luna: You didn’t....

Alpha glances towards Jorg sitting on his rocky stump snickering obnoxiously.

Luna: YOU PUT SPACE DR-

Alpha: DON'T TOUCH IT!

Alpha retorts belligerently

Luna: But-

Alpha: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

Luna completely undeterred continues to interrogate the mischievous little aliens.

Luna: So the legendary "Hall of records" is actually just an alien drug stash?

Jorg suddenly erupts with laughter falling off of his rocky stoop as Alpha looks away grinning shyly, Jorg can be seen rolling on the ground in a cloud of space dust.

Jorg: HALL OF RECORDS! AAAAHAHAHA!

Alpha: .......No?

Alpha responds to the questioning barely able to contain his own laughter.

Luna: .......

Luna stares at the two blankly; shaking her head, utterly unimpressed.

Jorg continues to roll over the satellite’s surface while laughing maniacally as the dust is kicked up, then settles around his little body which is still kicking and chuckling loudly.

Jorg: AAAAHAHAHAHA!

After a few moments Alpha interjects solemnly.

Alpha: In all seriousness; why are you here? What do you want?

To which Luna answers repeating aloud her mission statement once more:

Luna: "To further scientific understanding and discovery of extraterrestrial life within our shared universe.”

Alpha laughs aloud bitterly and speaks with condescension:

Alpha: Fuck are you people? The Galactic Federation??

Luna stares back blankly, unresponsive to Alphas jest. Alpha groans to himself loudly once more:

Alpha: Star Trek?

Luna just stares back blankly and shrugs her shoulders unknowingly.

Alpha: Well, you found us! Congratulations! You can go home now...

Luna responds completely undeterred:

Luna: But my second mission statement is to initiate interplanetary trade and diplomatic relations; if possible. With any newfound intelligent sentient life...

Alpha: That isn't really a decision I can make on my own. You have to....er...speak to the....

*Alpha coughs aloud

To the..um...to the elder...

Luna: The who??

Jorg interrupts matter of factly:

Jorg: He means his mother, you've gotta ask his mom first.

Alpha: SHUT UP JORG!

Alpha quips in embarrassment and frustration

Luna glares at both the juvenile aliens standing before her, unamused and speaks with a form of condescension all her own:

Luna: You mean to tell me you two aren't even adults? You've got to ask your mommy before communicating with another species??

Alpha: HEY SMARTASS, I'M OVER TEN THOUSAND YEARS OLD! I've watched entire civilizations rise and fall in a span of time which to you would seem like an eternity but for me is no different than motherfuckin brunch at Denny's.

Alpha quips defiantly

Luna: Then where is she? Your mother?

Alpha: "Her"

Luna: What? I need to speak with the elder, your mom. On behalf of humanity.

Alpha: You can't....

Luna: ........why not?

Luna answers with a tone of impatient frustration

*Jorg snickers quietly to himself

Jorg: can I tell her?

Alpha: Shut up, Jorg...

Alpha answers without a seconds hesitation.

Alpha: Because my mother is in the midst of an epoch long process of intimate cosmic renewal and rebirth, gathering energy and matter coursing throughout the universe and birthing new stars. Her language, her very existence is one beyond the capacity of understanding for lower life forms such as yourself.

The little alien proudly states with an air of entitlement in his words

Luna: I don't understand...

Luna declares in confusion as Jorg snickers once again

Jorg: What he means is; his mom is a "Starfucker".

Jorg explains matter of factly as Alphas impatience flares once again.

Alpha: FUCK YOU JORG! I told you to quit calling her that. A thing that encompasses the very fabric of this reality cannot be summed up with such a crude oversimplification.

Besides, that song sucks. The Beatles were better...

Jorg: The Beatles were better...

Luna: The Beatles WERE better...

The three declare in agreement as Jorg petitions Alpha once more about his mother.

Jorg: It's true though, everybody calls your mom a "starfucker". She's really hot too...

*Jorg points a trembling finger at Luna as his little voice booms with a foreboding tone.

Jorg: FULL OF SUPERHEATED GASSES AND COSMIC RADIATION THAT WILL BREAK YOUR ASS DOWN ON A MO-LECUL-AR LEVEL!

As Luna stares at the eccentric little alien in confused amusement, she comes to a realization.

Luna: Wait a minute....your mother is the pillar of existence? A great cosmic cloud that births new stars?

Alpha: "are"

Alpha interjects knowingly

Luna: .....

Alpha: is that what you call her?

Luna: Then how do I talk to her?

Luna petitions to Alpha once more

Alpha: ........I can facilitate communication but I really don't wanna.

Luna: Please do...

Luna pleads to Alpha compassionately

Alpha: FINE!

Alpha concedes and resolves to fulfill Luna’s request

Alpha mutters to himself : shit.....

Alpha: hold on a minute...

*The little alien closes his eyes entering a trance like state as he starts to levitate off of the ground for a few moments, giving off a multicolored aura then settles back onto the ground and looks at captain Luna knowingly with an air of newfound wisdom.

Luna: Well? What did she say?

Alpha: In your common parlance it would sound something like: "WHHOOOOSSSH!"

Luna looks back at the alien in a state of confusion that has now become second nature since meeting the two.

Luna: And what does that mean exactly??

*Both the aliens look at each other, back at Luna and then shrug unknowingly in unison.

Luna: GODDAMNIT!

Sometime later when Luna has all but given up hope on establishing a profitable relationship with these newfound denizens of our solar system.

Alpha is giving Luna a tour of the satellite’s living quarters:

Alpha: yeah....this is my crib. Jorg is my cohabitation mate.

*Jorg can be seen sitting at what could best be described as a table, with a small stack of crystals lying atop a gold plated plaque. Busily crushing the crystals with a small stone in hand while grunting softly.

Alpha: Jorg, I thought you said we were almost out of exocrystals?

Jorg: I said "we" were out...NOT ME!

*Jorg slams his face into the plaque, lying on the table and inhales deeply once again.

Jorg: OHHHH THATS SO DAMN GOOD!

Luna watches the drug crazed little alien with a fixated disgust as he goes about this almost ritualistic behavior. She couldn’t commit herself to fathom the sheer magnitude of how often, or for how long he’d repeatedly carried out this practice before.

Luna: If you're going to insist on doing that why don't you atleast use a straw or something?

Jorg pauses briefly and then glances back towards Luna curiously.

Jorg: A what???

*Luna shakes her head in defeat, averting her gaze towards the small plaque Jorg’s crystals lay upon.

Luna: Never-mind.....wait...is that? Is that a plaque from the 1970s pioneer missions?

Alpha also gazes down towards the plaque.

Alpha: Is that what it is? I thought it was just an archaic form of human pornography.

He points towards the small alien currently preoccupied with smashing crystals atop the plaque.

Alpha: Jorg found it...

Jorg pauses once more and lifts the plaque into the air for a closer inspection.

Jorg: What!?! This ol’ thing??

Jorg sets the plaque down once again and turns to Luna wearing a mischievous grin.

Jorg: Makes a good dope plate! I found another one too! Some gold CD, but it was makin’ a horrible racket....

The alien continues to speak with an animated flamboyancy.

Jorg: On and on and on!

Gave me a headache...so I smashed the shit out of it!

Luna stares at Jorg in an awful, suspended disbelief

Luna: ....that was the voyager golden record Jorg.

Jorg: WHAT’S THAT!?!

The alien responds obnoxiously

Luna: A recording of all the spoken language and music from earth. A testament to human culture and creativity...

The little alien stares at Luna emptily and then snorts laboredly, covers one of his ear holes with his hand and then ejects a disgusting ball of mucus out of his nasal cavity and onto the floor directly at Lunas feet.

Jorg: Yeah well, it sounded like two carnagors fuckin’ so I smashed it.

Alpha chimes in agreeably.

Alpha: It did sound pretty bad...

Luna shakes her head once more in abject dismay.

Luna: You two are unconscionable...

Jorg questions Luna once again

Jorg: What's that mean?

Luna retorts snappily at the deviant little alien.

Luna: it means you're an asshole, Jorg.

Jorg stares vacantly into the distance contemplatively thinking for what seems like several moments.

Jorg: ............yeeeaah.

He responds agreeably.

Later on the three are gathered in a "common area" Luna is still trying to gather whatever useful information she can possibly gain from the two aliens.

Luna: So it's just you and Jorg here? I don't really see any more of your kind around...

She says now speaking to Alpha

Alpha: This is an outpost of sorts, our kind is responsible for keeping an equilibrium within the galaxy. This outpost is just one of many.

Luna: Well, you're making a great job of it, with all of the malcontent and poverty that's stricken earth throughout history.

Luna retorts sarcastically

Alpha: That's not on us, we're stewards of the "galaxy" not "humanity".

Besides, that's your mess, your bullshit!

Not to mention, as I said earlier we’ve tried. Time and time again, but an ape is an ape...

Alpha: I'll be damned if you can't teach it to not shit in it's own hand then fling at the nearest moving object.

As Alpha speaks Luna visualizes Jorg hurling Martian loogies onto the floor of his own living quarters.

Luna: I guess that's not something I could really wholeheartedly disagree with...

Alpha: Of course not, because I'm right.

Alpha continues his misanthropic sermon.

Alpha: I bet you people don't even know that earth isn't even the first planet of which you have evolved, existed, and then proceeded to annihilate shortly thereafter.

This immediately garners Luna’s full attention.

Luna: .....What?

And so Alpha gives Luna a short summary of the real history of human kind. Of which first evolved on the planet venus, then mars, and now earth.

You might be asking yourselves "if we originally existed on other planets then why isn't there a record of it?"

Well, this is infact because all we ever really managed to do was "exist"; then develop to an unsustainable level, summarily destroying ourselves. Over the course of an immeasurable span of time humanity would then evolve on another nearby planet, continuing the very same self defeating cycle in a sort of cruel cosmic irony.

Luna ponders this new revelation with Alpha.

Luna: ....I mean, this all kind of makes sense in a way.

Alpha: Of course it does..

Luna: We could never quite figure out why those planets may have once been habitable but then weren't.

Alpha: Hardest thing for a man to admit is when he's fucked up.

Alpha: We’re not talking about burning the Christmas ham either. How do you fuck up a whole planet?

His words fall on deaf ears as Luna continues to ponder this new revelation.

Luna: Then there are those seismic records of "organized structures" beneath the surface of mars. NASA called them “geological anomalies” but they never quite made much sense...

Alpha continues knowingly

Alpha: Those were shopping malls, parking lots, and billboard advertisements for erectile dysfunction treatments.

Luna: Then what happened? Why did venus become uninhabitable? How did we become extinct?

Alpha: Climate change

Luna: ....and mars?

Alpha: Climate change

Luna: .....

Alpha: There's a third planet you people screwed up and haphazardly destroyed out of your own narcissistic, pathological stupidity. Care to guess which one?

Luna cuts him off in frustration

Luna: I GET THE POINT!