Jaded

"I just can't do this anymore," Nick said as he ran his fingers through his thick, short brown hair, pacing around Lucy's room.

"I just don't understand what I've done, I thought we were in love," Lucy explained.

Nick and Lucy had been dating for almost two years and Lucy thought everything was great until now. They had met in their history class during their senior year of high school, and Lucy was now in her sophomore year of college.

"I just can't stand to be around you anymore, you're too negative." Nick felt bad for saying this, but he couldn't stand not being honest about his feelings anymore.

Lucy started crying. She had managed to keep her cool until now, partially because she didn't believe Nick would actually leave her. But his words hit her like a train right in the gut. Too negative? How could that be? Lucy knew herself to be kind, light-hearted, and optimistic. Now the man who she thought was "the one" was claiming she was too negative to be around.

Then it hit her. She began recalling all of the moments over the past few months where she was in a bad mood, blew up at someone, or was just downright cold to the people she loved most. She started crying even harder, and through her tears she could see that Nick was putting on his jacket.

"Please don't go!" Lucy begged. She needed more answers, but she didn't get up from the bed. She felt frozen.

"It'll just make this harder if I stay. I'm sorry, Luce. I just think this is best for both of us right now. I still love you so much, but I need some space and I think you could use some, too." Nick walked to the door and paused.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" he implored.

Lucy looked up at him without moving her head, then shifted her gaze to the floor. Before she could look up again, Nick was gone. She watched his Jeep pull away, and continued to stare even after he was out of sight. After a few minutes, she slumped into bed and started crying harder than she had cried in a long time.

Then her sorrow turned to rage. She couldn't believe Nick had the nerve to do this to her. She got up and started throwing pillows, clothes, framed pictures of the two of them, and anything else she could find. She screamed and cried; she was flipping out.

After a few minutes she sat back down on the bed, her long, black curly hair a mess, and she sighed deeply. She lied down and began to cry again, this time about both the breakup and the mess she just made of her room. She cried for a solid twenty minutes, and then fell asleep.

When she woke up, Lucy was confused. At first she thought she just woke up from a bad dream, but as she sat up and scanned the room, it all came back to her and she realized she was wrong. She rubbed her eyes and sighed. "I can't believe this," she said out loud. She put on a sweatshirt and her slippers, and slowly walked through the dark house to the kitchen.

The neon green numbers on the stove read 11:17. Lucy was surprised she had slept for nearly five hours. Given the house was dark, she figured her mother must have come home, realized Lucy was asleep, and had by now been in bed. After grabbing a glass of water, she picked up the phone on the wall and dialed her friend Dave.

"Hello?" Dave answered.

"Hey....it's me," Lucy said as she stuck her finger through the curls of the telephone wire.

"What's up, everything okay? It's pretty late on a Saturday, I'm surprised you're not with Nick." Dave clearly had no idea what had happened a few hours prior. Lucy knew Nick wasn't the type to talk about his business, but she also knew Nick and Dave were good friends.

"You wanna hang out?" Lucy ignored Dave's question.

"Uh, yeah, sure. You could come over, my dad's still away for work." Dave's dad was a popular salesman, although none of Dave's friends actually knew what he was selling.

"Cool, see you soon." Lucy finished her water and grudgingly walked back to her bedroom. She put on her favorite pair of old jeans, grabbed her jacket and shoes, and snuck out through her window. Dave lived only a few blocks away, and even though she usually drives, tonight she didn't mind walking. She couldn't be bothered to feel anything, let alone the cold of the Wisconsin autumn evening.

Before Lucy could knock, Dave opened the front door. "Hey! I saw you walking up from inside," he exclaimed, opening his arms for a hug. Lucy hugged him back, but her heart wasn't in it.

"What's wrong?" Dave asked as he let Lucy in and closed the door. He could always tell when something was wrong with her. They had been friends for five years, and he knew her like a book.

Lucy grumbled in response as she headed toward Dave's room. From the hallway, she could see her favorite part of his decor: his lime green lava lamp. Her favorite color was green, and she always enjoyed watching the lava flow around in the glass. She climbed onto Dave's bed right away, and started crying.

"Woah, what's wrong?" Dave wasn't used to Lucy being so guarded about her emotions, despite her having developed a tougher demeanor over the past few months.

"Why don't you ask Nick?" Lucy responded sarcastically, reaching for a tissue.

"You guys....you guys good?" Dave thought he knew what she was getting at, but he was still confused. Just like Lucy had, he th0ught everything was fine.

"Not at all. You're now looking at a single woman." Lucy was staring at the ceiling.

"No way, what happened?" Dave pulled up his beanbag chair and sat next to the bed.

"Apparently I'm too negative," Lucy explained, annoyed. She was irritated, but she knew Nick had been right.

"Do you agree with that?" Dave asked, not quite sure what to say yet.

Lucy rolled over on her side and stared at the lava lamp. "I dunno, maybe," she admitted. "Am I really that bad?" she asked, not looking away from the lamp.

"I mean, I guess I've noticed a change recently but I just figured it was a phase. I didn't think much of it." Dave didn't want to say the wrong thing.

Lucy sat up and sighed. "I guess it's just been really hard going to school full time, working part time, helping my mom keep the house clean, and dealing with the stresses of 'adult' life. And, I don't know, the world is just such a cruel place." Lucy shifted her weight on the bed and stuffed her hands under her thighs.

Dave leaned forward and folded his hands together. "Listen, I know life can be hard sometimes, but you can't let it make you hard. It's easier said than done, trust me. But life is great, and I know you agree. I know the same sweet, soft, possum-loving person is still in there. You just can't take life too seriously, or it'll kill you."

Lucy smirked a little. She did really love possums. She loved a lot of things that she let herself forget about. She suddenly felt guilty.

"How do you keep life from getting you down? How do you stay so positive?" she asked

"I just focus on what really matters in life, and what makes me happiest....friends, music, good times, my dog, stuff like that." Dave leaned back again and stretched. "It takes practice."

"Say where is Rosco anyway?" Lucy asked.

"My dad took him with him this time. He does that every now and again. How's your dad doing?"

Lucy had an unsure look on her face. "He's alright, I guess. We don't really talk as much these days. My stepmom kinda sucks so I tend to keep my distance."

"Jaded. That's the word for it." Dave said

"Word for what?" Lucy hardly noticed Dave just changed the subject, seemingly not listening to her.

"That's the word for what you're feeling: jaded."

"Hmmm..." Lucy shrugged and lied back down on the bed to continue watching the lava lamp.

The next day, Lucy couldn't stop thinking about what Dave had said. Just focus on the good things. Don't take life too seriously. She still felt heartbroken, but she knew that if her and Nick were going to ever get back together, she had to change. She wanted to change for herself, anyway. She didn't like the person she had become, and she wanted to return to herself.

She skipped breakfast and decided to get to work on her bedroom. "God this place is such a mess," she said out loud to herself as she looked around. As she cleaned up her room, she took an extra moment to observe almost everything she put back in its proper place. She missed herself, and some of her own belongings felt alien to her.

After cleaning her room, Lucy decided to go for a walk. All along her walk, Lucy thought about things that make her happy and things she used to enjoy. She used to be so light hearted, she couldn't believe she had become so hardened by life. She thought about possums, her favorite music, her favorite people, her favorite foods, and anything else she could think of to appreciate. By the time she walked her whole neighborhood, she felt lighter. Lucy was smiling as she walked up to her house, and her mother was just arriving home.

"What has you so smiley?" her mother asked, gripping a bag of groceries.

"Nothing, really. There's just a lot to be happy about I guess." Lucy took the groceries from her mother and followed her into the house.

"Well that's good, honey. It's good to see you smiling again. It feels like I haven't seen that in a while." Her mother didn't hesitate to light a cigarette and plop down on the couch to watch TV.

Lucy wanted to ask her mother how she deals with life when it gets her down, but her mother wasn't exactly a prime example of staying positive and pushing forward despite difficulty. After her parents split up when Lucy was just a child, her mother slowly became more and more sad over the years. She seemingly has given up altogether.

"Thanks mom." After putting the groceries away, Lucy went back to her room to finish up some homework before school the next day.

On her way to school at the University of Wisconsin, Lucy still couldn't stop thinking about Nick but she did her best to keep her mind off him. She threw on a Pink Floyd cassette tape and drove to school in her own little world filled with all of her favorite things.

Oh nice, that's the third green light in a row. Lucy smiled. By the time she got to school, she realized every light on her way was green. That was something to feel good about. It was a small something, but it was something.

When she got to school, she could see her friend Sara walking from her car, so she beeped the horn of her station wagon to get her attention. Sara jumped, looked around, and then realized who was beeping at her. She smiled instantly. Lucy and Sara were good friends, but their relationship mostly took place at school. Sara lived at least forty minutes from Lucy, and they weren't into a lot of the same things even though they got along well.

"Hey!" Sara exclaimed as Lucy stepped out of her car. "How was your weekend?"

Lucy shrugged and looked at the ground. "Ehhh, I dunno. Could've been better I guess. You?"

"What happened?" Sara stopped to fix her pleated skirt and re-adjust her backpack, then fixed her attention back on Lucy.

"What's your perception of me? Do you think I'm too negative?" Lucy was wincing from the cold wind.

"I think you're one of the sweetest, happiest people I know! But I do know you've been struggling a little bit lately. Why?"

"My boyf- I mean, ex- boyfriend thinks I'm too negative. How'd you know I've been struggling? I've hardly talked about anything lately." Lucy looked Sara up and down, trying to figure out why she was wearing a skirt in the middle of autumn.

"Oh no, you and Nick? I'm so sorry. I don't know, I could kind of just tell. I'm real good at picking up on things like that. And like I said, you're one of the happiest people I know, so it's obvious when something isn't right. I've wanted to ask but I figured you're strong and you'd get through it."

"Well that's going to change. No more grumpy Lucy. If letting life turn me hard made me lose my boyfriend, just think about what else it could cost me down the line. I can't risk losing good things just because I can't keep my head straight." Lucy was grateful for Sara. She really was a good friend.

"It happens to the best of us, trust me. Life is hard, and it's only normal to succumb to it sometimes." Sara was starting to look like the cold was bothering her. The girls finished their long walk through the parking lot to their building, and parted ways. "Good luck! I'll see you later." Sara smiled and waved as she turned into her classroom. Lucy's stop was her least favorite class: sociology.

Lucy thought sociology itself was cool, but her teacher was a bore and it involved a lot of reading. However, she felt grateful to be getting an education. She was having a hard time keeping her mind off Nick during class. She missed him so much, but she also felt surprisingly indifferent. Was it just part of feeling jaded like Dave was saying? Or was she really not as concerned about the relationship as she ought to be? Why hasn't Nick called? Does he miss her? Does he even care that they broke up? Before she could figure it out, class was dismissed. Lucy felt bad for not paying attention but she knew she could ask a classmate what was covered later. She finished the rest of her classes for the day and drove the thirty minutes home.

Lucy went straight to her room. That was her favorite place to be. She would find any reason to stay in her room all day. She tossed her backpack onto the bed and sat down next to it. She felt weird. She felt like she was in-between or in limbo. Here she was, torn between her recently developed emotional habits and a new possible way of looking at life. She wanted to feel better just because she's made a decision to change, but she still felt a little sad and lost. As she looked around for something to do, she noticed her piano against the opposite wall, parallel to the bed. It was covered in clothes and other random things. Lucy learned how to play in middle school and she always loved it, but she hadn't played for about a year.

She decided to give it a try. She tossed the clothes covering the keys and the bench to the floor and sat down. She didn't feel any inspiration or motivation to play, but she began with the first thing that came to mind: Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody." She always loved playing it and it was something she knew by heart, even after not playing for so long. After playing for a few minutes, Lucy felt flooded with emotion. She felt so many things from grief, to joy, to sadness, to content. She felt like such a fool for everything. She wanted Nick back so bad, and she wanted to feel the way she used to. She started crying. Her tears crashed onto the keys as she played, and she played harder as she cried harder. Before long she wasn't playing any song, she was just playing. After and intense crescendo and a final slam on the low notes, she got up and ran to the kitchen to call Nick.

Lucy picked up the phone and dialed Nick's number, her face red from crying. It rang, and rang, and rang. She started feeling nervous, like he was purposely not answering. Then she realized she could hear something behind the ringing. It was a thumping sound.

What is that? It started getting louder.

Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-BOOM!

Lucy gasped as she jerked awake. To her amazement, Nick was lying in the bed next to her. There was a drool spot on his shirt in the middle of his chest from where she had been sleeping. She couldn't believe it, she had been asleep the whole time. It was all a dream. Nick started waking up, and he smiled as he opened his brown eyes.

"You okay?" he asked. He stretched and took a deep breath.

"Yeah... I think so. I just had such a weird dream. I'm so happy to see you." She let out a sigh of relief, and hugged him tight. "I'm so sorry."

"Sorry for what?" he asked

"I feel like I haven't been myself lately. I don't mean to be a bummer or anything."

He shrugged. "I mean, you've been dealing with a lot lately. If you were totally out of line I would tell you." He chuckled.

Lucy smiled and blushed. " Either way, I realize I've been cynical lately but life is too short to let everything wear me down."

Nick nodded in agreement. "There ya go."

Lucy got up and went over to the piano. She moved the stuff off of it and sat down.

"Bohemian Rhapsody again?" Nick joked.

"Maybe." Lucy smiled and played.