Jack's End

Jack’s End

Somewhere that was nowhere: a place that was endless white. Some might call it heaven. Others would call it hell. And spotty teenagers would call it boring and immediately look for their phones. This was where a scruffy middle-aged man was huddled into a ball with his hands covering his head.

The man’s name was Jack, and he was yelling something like, “Ahhhhh!”

Jack fell silent when he was tapped gently on the shoulder. He looked up and stared gormlessly at a man wearing a white suit, white shoes, and he was carrying a white clipboard. ‘Tony’ was written, in off-white, on his white name badge. He also glowed, probably white, but who could tell in this bleached landscape?

“OK, there is no need to panic,” Tony said while writing with white ink on white paper.

Jack swivelled his head and searched the blandness. “Where did the giant bus go, and why aren’t I mangled, and why is everything white?”

Tony lowered his clipboard. “Ok, mate, let me catch you up. You are mangled, very badly. There are bits of you all over the place. Your head came clean off and landed in a child’s pushchair.”

“Oh God, no.”

“Of course, the mother hasn’t even noticed yet. Too busy checking her Instagram feed.”

Jack placed his hands firmly onto his face. “I forgot to feed the cat this morning.”

“It says here; the baby is biting your nose.”

“Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!”

Tony grinned, and somehow his teeth were whiter than anything else. “Don’t worry, Jack, most people, get over it in the first few hundred years.” He said, “Some people don’t even remember being alive. That’s it; take deep breaths. Of course, there is no air here, but, you know, whatever makes you feel better.”

Jack was shaking like a leaf that was, in fact, a stick insect named George, who had stumbled into a murder of crows. “So, am I going up or down? I knew I shouldn’t have taken that job as a parking warden.”

Tony turned sharply and walked away. ”I’ll be back to download your consciousness into the universal all, and then we’ll get you sorted.”

While alone, Jack took the time to see if he still had all of his appendages. He jumped when he heard a shrill voice behind him. “Hi, I’m Mary, and you must be my forever happiness. We shall have one hundred babies, and because this is my heaven, they are going to come out of you.

“Wow, Mary, hold on a minute. I’ve only just met you. I’m sure you’ve got a nice personality and all, but I don’t know if this is actually Heaven.”

Mary ran her hands down Jack’s shoulders. ”You're not how I pictured my soul mate either. But, Joseph told me, ‘if I drink the cool-aid, I’ll get my reward.’ So let me check out the merchandise.”

Mary ran her hands over Jacks body, squeezing his belly. “Back off, woman! Oh, Tony, you’re back.”

Mary curled her big fat bottom lip. ”He was mean to me. I want a different one.”

Tony tapped his clipboard. “Now, come on, you two. I live for eternity, but that doesn’t mean I want to waste time.” Tony licked two small disks and stuck them to Mary and Jack’s foreheads. “I’m just going to download your consciousness’s, and we can move on.”

Jack folded his arms. “I’m not sure I want to. What if-“

Jack and Mary froze. Tony did some stretching exercises. A moment later, Mary relaxed. Tony raised an eyebrow. “Well, that was quick.”

Mary smiled, bearing off-white teeth. “That’s because I’m smart.”

“It really isn’t.”

Mary circled Jack with a sad expression. I don’t like my forever happiness. Get me someone at least half-decent… This one is a bit shabby.”

Tony shook his head. “Mary, look, I don’t know what this Joseph fellow told you but-.”

“Great cult leader Joseph told me that I would get the perfect man in heaven, and all I had to do was hand over all my wealth and gave him daily foot rubs.”

Mary held out her arm. “Knife.” She said. She dug the knife deep into her chest and fell to the floor, only to get straight back up. “Double sacrifice. That means I get twice the man, right? Oh, no! He’s still here.”

Tony shook his head and made a note. “Mary, again, NO!”

“Sod you, Tony. I believe in Joseph.” While Mary stabbed herself repeatedly, to no avail, Tony massaged his forehead and then examined his clipboard.

“Well, your results are in… Mary, it simply has a picture of tumbleweed.”

Jack relaxed and then jumped into the air clenching his fists. “That was amazing! I peered into infinity and saw the face of reality… It reminded me of Mel Gibson.”

Mary’s crap little eyebrows rose. “Yeah, Mel Gibson, he’ll do. I’ll have Mel Gibson.”

Mary marched back and forth, her head held aloft. “I am Mel Gibson, and I see a whole army of men for my forever happiness. I may die in my bed, and you can take my life, but you can’t take my freedom.”

Tony screamed white noise. “Right, I have had enough of this nonsense. I am ready to put these backups into cold storage. Universe, you there?”

A moaning teenage voice boomed across the blandness. “Huh, what now?”

“I have two backups to go into the oblivion storage device.”

“But Tony, I was just about to level up on Zombies of Death.”

“Now you do as your told, or I’m going to turn off the Wifi.”

The universe droned. “It’s so unfair.”

Jack scratched his head. “Wow, Hang on, Tony, the universe is a teenager?”

“Of course, why else would there be so much empty space?”

Jack frowned. “Anyway, what do you mean by the cold storage oblivion device? It doesn’t sound friendly.”

Tony straightened his lily-white tie. “Ah, why is it you lot always want to know about the reality of existence? Never mind, I’ll tell you because no one ever guesses correctly. You are a random subconscious thought of the universe that has just been downloaded into his frontal lobe.”

Mary undid the top button of her ceremonial gown. “Oh hell, you mean I am a random thought of a teenage boy. Joseph was right!”

Jack was turning red. “I’m not just a thought. I’m a man.”

Tony shook his head. “No, you were a thought… Now you are a remnant of a thought. Don’t look so glum; you could have been one of his alone-time fantasies.”

Jack squirmed. “Oh God, no.”

Mary fell to her knees as if praying. “Oh great, Joseph, thank you for the wonder of your teachings. Bring me to Mel Gibson.”

“Jack did his best to appear stern. “Right, that’s it,” he said, “I want a word with the universe, right now.”

Tony checked his watch. “Are you sure? It is his alone time. Hang on… He’s done.”

Mary continued yelping. “Oh, great storage device. Put Mel into a kilt and paint him blue.”

Tony pointed into the distance. “He’s that way.” Tony and Jack shook their heads as Mary skipped into the distance.

Jack took a deep breath. “Sod it, I’m off too.” Jack turned to follow Mary, and Tony grabbed his shoulder to pull him back.

“Not that way, Jack. Never that way. Here, come with me. That’s it, through that door.”

Jack’s voice could be heard in the distance. “Oh, I don’t mind if I do. Is that free ice cream? Oh, look, there’s Mel Gibson.”

Meanwhile, on the distant white plains, Mary held a phone. “Hello, is that the complaint’s line?”

A teenager’s voice answered, “Your call is important to us. You are 168 billion in the queue. Please hold the line, and we will answer when an operative can be bothered.”