It Looms

It was always there. Without fail. It never seemed to leave. I had trouble going to sleep at night. Whether it be stress from my mundane life, or just because I wanted to stay on my device for longer than normal, it took time, still does sometimes. When the sleep does come, I am greeted to the most wonderful dreams imaginable, and the most devastating nightmares possible . I glide through the open skies, without a care in the world, I am sometimes greeted with familiar faces from my past, the landscape can be whimsical from top to bottom, it could be a mixture of all the places around the world, or just places I am familiar with. I have seen demons take me to a rusted overgrown deserted town just to torture me. The nightmares back then got to me, but now they serve as nice wee entertainment and a thrill mostly, once I wake. But back then, I didn't look up. Even if I were to fly into the clouds, I would close my eyes. I would distract myself in the dream, and let it play out. But it was always there. The object in the sky. Nightmares be damned. It terrified me, still does sometimes.

It first came into being once I entered my teenage years. I never noticed it at first, and it was usually forgotten about quite quickly. For the most part, I thought it was funny how this thing kept reappearing into my nightly shenanigans and escapades. But then it grew. Then shrank, and grew again. Every night, it would be a different size. But it always looked the same. A simple sphere, which acted like a mirror to all things around it. There were days where it would be far away and out of focus, nearly unseen, but still there. Those were the good days. Other times....it was bigger. Much bigger. So big, you couldn't help yourself but stare at it throughout the dream. It was strange, I think I remember asking people in my dreams if they too could see the object. But always, they seem to ignore me should I ever bring it up, like if I wasn't even there to begin with. Like they knew. I remember how it reflected the world. The beautiful trees, the shine of the rainbows, the auroras that lit up the night skies, the whales that flew into the galaxies far away, as well as the other people in the dream....except the dreamer. Me. I remember looking into the sphere. It never looked back. But always, always, I felt it watching me.

The days where I woke up and saw the sphere were rough. I felt heavy, like gravity was placed solely on me. I went to school, I went to university, I went to work, I came home. It felt the same for years. Those days where I would have some free time were spent in solitude. To this day, I never knew why. Maybe I was just tired, maybe I didn't feel like it, maybe people didn't like me being with them, maybe family would be coming around to talk to me, maybe I would prefer being alone, maybe it was better being alone today. Maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe. Too many maybes. I liked sleeping without a dream. Those days, I felt lighter.

It was always there. It started to get to me. Why didn't it see me? It was the largest THING in the whole of my dreams, and no one took notice of it except for me. It would see everyone, everything, every EXISTENCE.....but me. I was so scared. I never wanted to get too close, I felt its pressure, its overwhelming presence on me. The worst nightmare I remember clearly, as clear as the reflection it presented on the dream world around me....I touched it.

"Weak, pathetic, never good enough, unworthy, you'll be forgotten, learn your place, grow up, no one loves you, you're nothing.....just go away and die." I couldn't breath. It was cold and dark. My throat was desperate for air that never came. I woke up gasping, and shaking. The weight of it all hit me at once. Tears. Regret. Exhaustion. Nothing else.

I had good days and bad days. The further it was in my sleep, the better the next day was. Those days were nice. It would come back eventually, it always did. I would remember its words, like it was whispering daggers into my ears. Even if ignored it, it was still there. In the corner of my eye. There were nights I would just stare. I was on a beach on night. The waves were splashing at my feet, the sun was bright, the sky was clear....and there it was. Like if the full moon was in the sky, as it reflected the clear waters of the deep blue sea. But not me. I was in my early twenties. I stopped. You know that feeling when a light bulb flashes on when you're inspired? A single, simple question sparked through the entirety of my mind...."What in the world am I doing?"

"You....aren't real. You're here, you're a part of my life but....you aren't me. Every time. Every time I fucking close my eyes to sleep, you're there. Just a fucking parasite on my life.....but you don't actually exist for me. You're just here to leech of my happiness. You're here.....just because. For no fucking reason other than that! Well, guess what mate? I'm in control of me! You're just here along for the ride. So come on then! Enjoy it with me! Because I ain't gonna stop!"

I dove. I swam into the depths of the deep blue sea. I was the fastest swimmer in all the ocean. I could breathe under the water, and I danced with the mermaids as we sang and laughed so merrily. I looked up towards the clear blue sky. The blurriest and most distant I have ever seen it. I laughed. I had won. I woke up. Tears again. I laid awake as the sun rose, I was so happy. It never bothered me again. It came back from time to time, just to make sure I knew it was still there. I knew would never feel truly free from it. I just knew the pain would never go away forever. But I knew that tomorrow...I would fly.