Is That All There Is?

Is That All There Is...

She was driving. She loved her fast little Mini. She had sprung for the extras...leather, GPS, the different color rear views, and the convertible. Of course the convertible. She loved the sun and it shown far too infrequently where she somehow still lived after all the years spent dreaming of elsewhere. One day she was going to change that as if telling herself over and over would somehow bring it to be. It was her birthday and as she wished for a friend, just one, she realized it was her aloofness that had created the annonymity of her existence and only she was to blame. Maybe it was better this way, she thought as pressed on the accelerator. Speed was fun. It felt good, like she was actually going SOMEwhere instead of NOwhere in life.

No one to bother me. No one to tell me what to do. No one to tell me I drink too much. Stop feeling. Stop caring so much that you are totally alone. She pressed down harder on the accelerator. Wow, this car could go! One of the reasons she bought it. She liked the way it felt being pressed into the form fitting racing seat as the turbo kicked in. It really WAS the little things.

She was driving to Melbourne, about 30 miles away from her small town. It was smaller, actually , than hers yet boasted a meat market that was out of this world. Her dog was in the backseat. Her life. A rescue who she swears came into her life at just the moment she needed him most. He was a pitbull who had been abused, dumped, used as a bait dog, and all he wanted was to love. It was as if he mirrored her life. Abused, albeit emotionally, dumped, baited, enticed really, back into a marriage that still ended up in ruins. The long con she called it, and she had no one to blame but her gullible self. You see, she only saw the good in people, and she believed that the changes would last. Her mistake, yet she wouldn't change that about herself. The alternative was to be cynical and that would not do.

She felt so free! The sunroof was open, the music loud, the sun shining. She imagined all she could ever, do, be, have and felt as if it were already here. High. On. Life.

She arrived at the meat market. When she walked in she saw a most delicous wine and thought herself fortuitous, as if the universe had the store order it just for her. She proceeded to the counter, paid for her goods, wine included, and went back to the car for the ride home.

I had to buy my own birthday BBQ, she thought, and go get it. She realized the closer she got to her town, the lower her vibe was becoming. It wasn't the wine, or the speed, or the music, or the sunshine that was the magic, it was the total freedom of being in the car driving AWAY from her life that raised her vibe so high it almost felt manic.

She had dreams, big dreams, vivid, of going, being, doing, having, something so completely different that what she was living that it almost felt as if she had lived it, was living it on some alternate world, some multiverse she had somehow tapped into. She couldn't figure out how to get there though. Try as she might.

She heard a song a couple of days prior that has caused her to wonder about her life. To wonder if her memories, with the glimpses of what might have been, the fleeting feelings of power, wonder, and joy were in fact, All There Was.

Wasn't her idea of love so much more than love itself? Wasn't the imagined life so much better than what the reality would've been? Wasn't lonliness so much stronger than any sense of magic? Wasn't her birthday supposed to be the one day of all that year that she felt worthwhile?

We tell ourselves the opinions of others do not create our worth, that self love is the most important and if you love yourself, the rest will follow. And yet we have to wonder, do I really love myself so little that no one can love me either? Am I really so unworthy of the life I can imagine that it will never come to be no matter how hard I try, no matter how often I am in my magic place of creation?

Is this all there is?