Inventing a Lie

I was convinced not that long ago that Ted’s girlfriend could not love him as ferociously as I did or as devotedly but I suppose I was being a bit too hard on her. I mean, not everyone has the guts to flee from the reins of their family simply to be with a guy who was deemed a disgrace because of the impurity that his blood held. Personally, she brought more to the table than I ever did in the eight months that we had dated. I could see now how Ted could fall in love with her a million times more than he ever did with me. The vision was in my head presently- of the two of them, happy and together- but things had not always been this way.

I am not a cold-blooded human being but anyone would find themselves at least a bit jealous when the man they are not over entirely moves on before they do. If it was the other way around maybe I would not have cared so much but it was not and there I was left alone to face my harsh reality head-on. My mother- well, both of my parents actually- had taught me from an early age not to get too hung up on anything, people included. They preached that it would only produce problems in the end, a reasonable fact I now realize. It was not as though I ever doubted them just that you never know for real until you try, intentionally or not.

I fell harder for Ted than I ever thought possible and I paid the price for it; how come it ended up costing so much? It took me ten weeks to even attempt to get over Ted after our break up and another thirteen after him and Lacey had begun their relationship. That is almost a half a year right there, wasted. How is it possible that someone can end up meaning that much to you? How?

But fast-forwarding to time just two weeks previous from now I still thought Lacey was not the woman meant for Ted. It was not as though I was the judge but how could she be right for him? She did not notice him until after nothing else seemed right. I, on the other hand, saw potential in him all along. Wait, that is a lie right there. I did not see Ted for who he really was for the longest time either. I cannot blame her for that. Being completely honest however I did not respect her up until a few days ago. Who knows, maybe I had subconsciously before then but it was not until this past Tuesday that I really soared over my grudge.

You see, when jealously overcomes you it is easy to forget who you are and even more simple to allow that green monster of envy to pull out your better judgment so that you are only left with frightening and inconsiderate decisions. I believe that is what happened to me. I could not think straight for what appeared to be days at a time, maybe even weeks. Therefore my thoughts clouded and clumped into visions and arrangements that I fear will never leave me. For the longest time I told myself blunt, conscious lies, convinced that it would help me positively in the end. ‘Oh, her eyes don’t match Melanie, haven’t you ever noticed that one is bigger than the other?’ Also, others, more similar to this: ‘Her hair does not really sit well with her face today, does it?’ But the truth was simple: one eye was never any larger than the other and Lacey’s metamorphagus condition never decreased her natural beauty or grace. It in no way did anything except win my Ted’s precious heart.

Maybe I am just being unfair. Wait a second, I am! We have already discussed this, all of it! Lacey was not a girl to be picked on. She did not deserve the degrading that I was throwing, as internally as it all is, directly into her face nor did she need the tension in her life currently. I did not know her well but from what I was presently aware of and what I could tell she had enough of that going for her already. Her family had picked up and left her behind to fend for herself all because she had fallen in love with the ‘wrong man;’ the very man who was actually right for her in every way. How depressing is that? She has had a harder life than me that is for sure. She definitely deserves Ted’s love after all.

But then what do I deserve? If it is not Ted then who is it? Sure there are plenty of other guys out there in the world, many who could probably win my undemanding heart but how would I be able to tell whether or not they were really right for me? Ted obviously is not- no, he cannot be. He has Lacey now, the real woman meant for him, and I was most definitely out of the picture. Still, I cannot help but wonder what is in store for me. If it is not love is it happiness? If not anger is it invention?

Nothing is for certain. You cannot enter a relationship and expect right from the start that everything will turn out perfectly or that the two of you will even end up together in the end. That was my gigantic mistake so many months ago; learn from it and live the best life that you can. You, like me, like everyone, deserve it.