Indented Souls and Eternal Dreams

There weren’t always dragons in the valley; and there weren’t always these nightmares in my mind. Rip-roaring flame engulfing the orchard green city I once recognized from a previous life. Some would say it was a dream, some would say it was untrue. It was forever destined to remain that way. Blackening of each and every soul in a shade that was hidden from their view. Why can I only see it? Why will it take an eternity to fade? Heat cooling with the expansion of an infinite universe where my consciousness connects every galaxy like dots on a page.

Only ice now. Only the cold. And within its core, the warmth of drowning in ocean blue. A previous life in a green city that once belonged to some shade of myself. A shade with something tangible that could touch and bleed, before the feeling of everything where everything became nothing at all. Fading from everything into something singular. Pulled into the past. Or the future. Or maybe the exact moment when now would be.

Then a sensation of warmth cast over my body as I stretched into a new day, carelessly shuffling to shrug the blanket’s tender clutch. Shaded images fluttered quickly across my mind; a dream I couldn't recall fading away. Where only sky-stained eyes lingered in memory as reality slowly nudged itself into emotion. My eyes quivered open once again. Only this time. This day. They ached to remain shut forever.

'She never liked winters' I mumbled, rubbing the sticky morning residue from sore eyes. A dark room full of creaky furniture revealed itself, my nose shrivelling from damp air pouring through a window foggy with melancholic breaths. Her frozen voice echoing through an empty veil of forfeited time.

Was it irony that what she despised determined itself the catalyst to end it all? She lingered paralyzed in burning agony as the dragons cold breath infected her blood, with only the power to crumble into a hideous wailing creature that begged for death. The cracking of her face mimicked the slow destruction inside my chest. But under the laws of Rosemore, we had no power to end her suffering. All we could do was watch. The king, finally succumbing to persistent pleas from his daughter, was persuaded to allow her torment to end. A one-off act of charity toward a breathing corpse. However, once I arrived home to reveal news to father and Avia, only haunted stares cursed my fractured heart. That was the day mother's soul had been plucked from her body and cast into another existence.

Not even a goodbye.

The burning sensation on my stomach soon returned, consuming like a hoard of filthy flies on a rotting corpse for what must have been a month. 'Just one day.' I sighed, a single salty tear dripping down my bed-crumpled cheek. 'Just one more day, then you can be free of sorrow again.'

Spindly legs dragged themselves from the creaky bed against my minds will, one at a time. They slumped from the mattress as I clambered onto uneven feet, unlike how I used to when younger and far less wise. All the while, thoughts of a motherless life plagued my mind. No longer dreams of an eternal future with my darling of Rosemore.

Today belonged to the past.

Father shuffled into the room, his back hunched over and his face pale with tears taking refuge in the patches of brown and ginger that grew bushier each day. The man's stomach churned so hard, I was sure a viscous milky mildew ooze would soon erupt from behind his oversized pullover rotted like mothers face. The man forever gushed to all about the son a spitting image of his young self. Whilst we shared shaggy brown hair and deep muddy eyes, we were never much alike at all. I forever craved a future. Lifelong aspirations, clouds in the sky that called for wings to fly. Whereas father never amounted to such hopes. Even if my only achievement was to be a princess's husband, that alone would trump all my fore-bearer fulfilled.

His eyes failed to cast themselves into mine, dismissing the continent between us. "We’re leaving in twenty minutes." Uttered the gloomy fellow as he backtracked out the room, seemingly becoming heavier with every step. It almost made me wonder why the lost soul walked in at all. The soul with only a scruffy boy and whiny girl to care about, two cubs whom he claimed to love more than any other in the world. His face told a different story, his actions proved it. Yet there was only one who could heal my broken heart.

Time remained idle for so long, yet those fragmented moments leading to the funeral refused to collect themselves. Now here I stood, gazing upon mother's glossy carcass. Why did she have to leave me?

"Hey Lo" My spectral spirit was brought back to reality by what could only be the voice of Pippard; A boy whose face reminded me of a ball of putty I could heavily indent with my finger. One short scruff of muddy blonde hair resting above. ‘’You ok?’’

"Yes." I distressed, melancholic breaths staining the layers of glass behind my pupils. A dear friends concern slowed the attack of my heart, no longer resonating the rainy rattle. Yet that same vessel skipped twenty beats as she glided into view soon after, more breath-taking than any memory could recall. Luscious blonde hair delicately brushed past dainty shoulders, finishing at her waist. A shy button nose and thick pink lips so soft, they'd put angels to shame. Eyes stained by the sky, shimmering as obscured sunshine struck them sapphire. Oh what a shame the weather had been so full of rain, clouds crying on this sad day from above. She took the seat directly across from mine, timidly casting her water worlds into my mud hills every so often.

She kept her promise. She always did.

Centre of the surrounding crowd was mother, made over to look like the same sweet woman before pain consumed her. The ragged black hair had been ironed out, forcing all unwanted knots and jagged strands to vanish. Her skin glowed as if kissed by the sun and not a scaly monster; as if she were still with us.

Had the women who dressed her today paid any attention to mother’s dark amber eyes? Most likely not. After all, they didn't care about the parts that wouldn’t show. No care about whether the windows to her soul grew grey and empty. The clothing, however, was prettier than she’d ever worn. A long, opulent silver dress embroidered in red and white roses of the country's flag. Mother always begged father for a beautiful gown, as if she stood a chance of wearing it outside of dreamscapes. Now her wish had finally been granted, but that wouldn't mean much to a dead woman. Only to father for finally giving in. And to me for seeing her dream come true at long last.

Greyed-out skies showered everyone vacant of shelter, Rosemore's mass of trees standing as if they were viewing the funeral themselves. The grandest of them all watched from afar as pitter-pattering of teardrops battered the stony ground and flooded the sadness of everyone who hung their heads toward the earth where mother would soon rest. It made my tears insignificant. It made those tears small. And a million existential questions fell through an infinite void, propelling me deeper into a bottomless chamber of reflection. Mother's coffin centre of the entire world. Everywhere else, merely an afterthought as what I called my soul pushed skyward against the downpour.

The cascade of mournful folk looked far less vast from above the trees, from where I now watched their faces morph into a mutant with many facades. Great aunt Sherpie whimpered as she clutched a pristine white rose that would soon lay atop her dead nieces' body, her husband’s consoling a flannel moist with insincerity. Grandpa stared at his daughter, remarkably emotionless. Or so it seemed. Maybe he was lost in his maze of a mind too. Avia's coffee eyes stained pink with salty water that never ceased to gush through her thin veil of bumpy skin. The hairs on her head greased from copious amounts of rain and sweat that danced down her cheeks. Pippard's eyes repeatedly swayed toward my body, the cloud’s cries sliding down his remarkably round putty ball shooting dopey smiles of assurance.

My body’s expression appeared the most grim of all from where my extension floated. Eating less came naturally in the midst of grief, my overcoat of a suit surely must’ve known. This skeletons jawline formed a gaunt edge, kidnapping the soft ovular curve that used to keep camp. After this day, food would find this boys belly again. The start of a new chapter. His love couldn’t worry any more than she had already been.

And as if ripped from the pages of a fairy-tale, his princess had not a drop of water on her. Compassionate oak trees looming above to gift additional security to her regal status, perfectly aligning themselves to shelter royalty. Her face carried two sorrowful brows , globules below glancing in the direction of a drenched elderly lady staring back in awe.

Then gravity an axe that clipped my wings. A mighty whirlwind that consumed my soul as I fell back into this lump of bone below, eyes fixated on the closed amber eyes during my descent. "And in sight of the everlasting god Jaden, we hereby lay Raeli of the family Anderlin to rest in eternal peace." The elderly Priest Thorley chanted. "The time has now come to bathe her in roses so she can hereby feed the roots of Jaden's sacred Nova tree and allow her soul to pass onto its second life."

Everyone stood, preparing themselves for their final goodbye. Priest Thorley was the first to lay his rose on mother's chest, carrying his crimpled old body toward the pit in which she solemnly rested. After that, the others followed. Each allowing another rose to drift onto the growing heap that soon shrouded the young woman. Perhaps once it was my turn, her face would be smothered by the seemingly countless amount that took flight beforehand.

A small line was now the only separation from my final farewell, the shield of tears behind my eyelids being the presence of my pink princess behind me. Her faded golden locks were ten thousand strands of beauty effortlessly swaying in the soft wind, covering the delicate curves of her face from behind. A rain littered hand presented itself from the gown, perching on the small of her back as she gently glided toward mother's grave; inviting me to take it with my own. They were silky… Gentle… Just as I knew they would be. After some seconds she clutched back, reassuring a broken heart that anguish would one day fade; as long as I had her. Her tender touch lingered until she neared the front of an endless queue. Until her warmth separated from my frost to drop another rose into the trench.

One step further I went, every arm hair standing on edge to push the sleeves of tatty suit away from sweaty skin. Cloudy eyes fixated on the abyss, finding that mother's face have not one flower sleeping upon it. It allowed me to gaze upon her once more. Her final bed must've been deeper than the isle sea, and they'd filled it with flowers to stop the stench from ever escaping.

'Bye mother. Bye forever.' I prayed that a poetic thought came to mind, but amidst all the pain and hurt surrounding me, conjuring that was magic in itself. Saying it aloud would finish father's dying soul, so my words failed to flow with the rain. Instead, I helplessly felt green stem slide from my hand as the crimson petals relieved themselves from wet clutches. Once it perched upon mother's silver chest, I paced away.

Vowing to myself ‘Never look back again’.

Avia followed. Tears plunging down her face as she struggled to let that final goodbye manifest. Yet father halted once his turn arrived, still as a statue. Sunken eyes seemed to repress a high tide behind them. However, against Jaden’s will, they remained dry and swollen like they had whenever I was around. Instead, flower fell into grave, then the walking corpse aimlessly strolled into wooded obscurity, leaving mother to be filled with the soil of Rosemore. Her final family as a decaying body began to gift itself to the tree of Nova.

‘Jaden guide me’

I recalled the story my love spoke about the day she’d been greeted to the everlasting god. It seemed even her perfection couldn't take the wise being's attention away for too long. "There are many that require my help. To me, each common soul is of the same importance as a royal princess" was the line she must’ve repeated. "Our god never proclaimed to be one, but everyone who met him within his Alder tree knew. After all, no-one else in history possessed more than 3 of the arts, never mind 6 of them." The healer, the provider of wisdom, the fortune-teller; arguably the most knowledgeable man to have ever existed. I wished this god was here to tell me the tree of Nova taken mother toward a happier place. To another life free from the cruelties of monstrous attacks and financial woe; from unfavourable children. The bitter reminder that this wish had not healed my family was a sour taste that permeated long after Thorley’s final words were spoken.

The wake grew livelier after hours of adults drinking the memory of mother away. Instead, I slouched against the church wall pondering father's absence. Yet my attempts to separate myself from sheep failed as they tried to console me. One came forward, gifted a hug if they were female, a handshake if male and pottered forth with the remainder of their social endeavours. Only for another to approach and consume the previous place. Every face looked the same on this night.

Past their predictable blather, I stared across the room upon my flower puffed princess performing the typical duties of a girl loved by all. Unable to pass a few steps without flocks gathering to steal whatever precious time she held dear. Pip caught my eye for just a moment, soon breaking into his typically foolish yet lovable smile. Then Princess Amara. "My sincerest condolences Master Anderlin. I am certain your mother will find peace in her new life and all others thereafter." She was the softest music speaking the sweetest words; touching the tip of my soul. The cold left, only cushioned warmth remaining as my eyes fixated themselves into hers.

"Thank you princess, I hope for that too."

Not a moment had passed before her supple pink lips cushioned themselves against my ear. "I'll be in the basement below.’’ The chandeliers yellow tones turned sunset through her whispers. ‘’Ten minutes." She floated through the crowd, leaving little me to collect myself for our private encounter. Hands clammed as I discreetly edged away from the inattentive flock, avoiding notice a glowing welcome I forever sought.

Watery warmth dissipated from my fingertips as they rubbed on the chilling underbelly of church stone. Stone so ancient where Nova’s sprawling roots reached through concrete cracks, skin to a body of the only remaining place of worship still standing in Rosehold built before the days of Aevitism. Down here, the ghosts of old dragon fires cursed upon me; white heat draining from my chest and into the trees veins.

My foot found the last step, pale light meandering around the corner of a peeling wall. The smell of firewood softly crisping the hairs in my nose. I’d been down here once before, the first time I found myself alone with her. And here I was, once again; stumbling toward a flicker in the darkness.

At last, the room was upon my sights. To my left laid a withered, yet remarkably clean fireplace that filled the four walls with a cosy hue. Matured, shabby furniture gripped solid wood, all standing proud in clean grandeur. Thorley still must’ve used this room as his escape from duty, his etchings on one thick tree stem a reminder of frequent visits. As I circled my head, I found Amara perched in a central chair of rose ribboned fabric. Gently smiling toward me, her eyes reddening like cheeks as she shyly turned them to the floor. Our first time alone since mother's passing.

"Hey Lowie." Her soft voice stroked the low crackling of fire, flames seamlessly reflecting off her shimmering eyes.

"Oh how I hate it when you call me that." I replied, stomach fluttering to the childish name.

"You would put up a lot more fuss if you really did." The tender voice countered as she gazed into my eyes, the deep depths of ocean blue ready to drown me. It didn’t take long before a chuckle poured softly from her lips, embryonic lungs emanating a childish giggle from mine.

"Well, how could I conceivably counter that comment from my little lamb?" I conjured that nickname years ago after Lowie settled as her go to pet label. After all, it was only fair for her to suffer a similarly cute phrase. The beautiful princess with waves of golden silk graciously rose from the slack chair and thrust into my arms. She snuggled her chest into mine as her cotton fingers gently backstroked across my neck, all the while our eyes interlocked with euphoria. Eyelids fluttered shut and her lips pressed on mine, remained idle for a time; then hesitantly pulled away. She was softer than the softest pillows ever dreamt, how could I ever let go? I refused to, my arms clothing her lower back, tightly pulling for another kiss. Every inch of my body heated as our clothes bound together in harmony. Palms cradled her waist as we leaned in and out of one another; each pulse of our lips setting the tempo. Her heartbeat a drum of olive wool that thumped into my chest, granting eternal life.

Our embrace was long, yet not long enough; and then rose tinted doll tilted her head back as her fingers found the underside of my face. "Your eyes bear the burden of a collapsing soul?" A deep breath disjointed the angelic voice of concern. "I'm sorry I couldn't be here for you."

"Don’t apologize. Ever. To be here now is more than enough." The words sparkled her eyes with a wash of ruby and sapphire. My heart released the caged fire into my frozen limbs, burns soothing to warm tingles inside my blood, absent since mother left. It was just me and her. Lowen and Amara. A king and a queen. I couldn't wish for anything more.

Time flew by while conversation propelled deeper and deeper, then flew faster as we cuddled each other in silence by the glowing fire. Every so often, she would shimmy her chest across my stomach as her gentle head buried itself further into my scrawny neck.

"After I've finished my etiquette lessons, our time together can be closer to how we wish." Her muffled voice fogged my skin. '’I'll tell one of the guards to deliver you a letter when I discover what days I can spare." Clear skies of cheery hope and blackened clouds brimmed with sadness congealed into one behind my eyes as Amara pulled away to gauge my reaction. "We'll go horse-riding again. You need to learn if you're going to be a knight."

'Jaden guide me' The only reason I aimed to be a knight was to fill orchestral beauty with pride; to call myself a worthy companion for the darling of Rosemore. The string of thoughts I preferred to entertain were the lands beyond, further than my imagination could soar; with no-one else but her. It roped through my mind as we fumbled through the crypt tunnels, guiding me through the darkness as we hesitantly left the small corner of our world.

The abyss was an endless stream of black, only leaving an angel's voice to guide the way until I felt her breath once again. Our lips collided more intense than I’d ever known, eternal darkness infinitely expanding every sense each time our souls locked together. The delectable figure then felt for my hand, soon leading me up a set of stark, eroded steps. At its summit, dim light that crept through a thin gap of reality.

"Saltspit!" Amara hauled me forward as she hurtled through the door herself, into brightness. Her bodyguard rushed to aid across the clutter filled utility room.

"Has the princess taken a tumble again?" Vestor wheezed as a flapping snigger brushed through his ever serious expression.

"You worry about me too much.’’ Chuckled the beauty as she swept dust off her sapphire blue gown, refusing to act like the royal she was born to be at times. ‘’My dress couldn't say the same however." This was the side few witnessed, a wild aspiring adventurer disguised as a regal princess where acting noble came as second nature.

She shared a loving glance before departing into the main hall with whatever little number of guests remained, elegance returning once again. "I think it is about time we went home, don't you Vestor?"

"Yes princess. I can have the carriage prepped within five minutes" Replied the guard in a perfectly spoken voice, twinges of foreign accent seeping through the regal. Thoughts of my love leaving gripped the inside of my stomach like a winter sickness. The day’s light gave way to darkness just as my light was soon to disappear from the day, driving emotional darkness to fill me once again.

"We will be seeing each other more. Ok Lowie?" Whispered the jewel of Rosemore as she stroked her finger down the sleeve of my plain brown jacket.

"I sure hope so, because I can't bear to be without you as much as I have lately." Her fingers intertwined with my own, an angels smile marrying itself to memory. I offered my half-arsed version back, far from sweet like hers. Then she followed Vestor's voice through the curtains lining her centaur drawn carriage. 'I'll see her again in the next few days. She said so herself.'

My eyes shifted around the hall to scour through every remaining guest, searching for a lonesome sister. Grandpa slouched back in what must have been the most comfortable chair, drifting in and out of consciousness. Father's friends grew rowdy in the centre, taking up half the number of locusts still there. The day had come to an end, but it was abundantly clear their plans hadn't. Their buzzing itched my pale skin, mites infecting my mind with the overwhelming urge to snatch their ales and throw them across the room so they exploded in a cataclysm of brown sludge and fake ivory. I imagined how I’d scream in their faces about how little they cared, about how only drunkenness plagued their minds. It'd only taken that long since Amara's retirement to find myself alone once again. But now desolate wasteland wasn’t a backlog of unending existence, it was a volcano one rockfall from eruption.

A wave of clarity suddenly washed over when I saw Avia curling in on herself against the darkest face of the church. I unclenched my fists and swallowed fire back into my core, walking over to the eyes desperately piercing mine. Two monstrous pink patches poisoned her skin, begging me to take my sister home. So I reached for her scanty hands, a proposition accepted with the fiercest eyes of a mortally wounded puppy.

Drifting down the cobbled streets of Rosehold, monotonal shades of grey and steady radiant moonlight caught my eye whenever none of the streets lanterns stood nearby. My arm clutched around Avia, attempting the protective big brother persona as we strolled under a barrage of curled Nova roots as wide as cottage door frames. Yet still, the whimpers seeped through pink flesh. Each time my trippy lips came close to beginning a conversation, the words curdled in my throat, forcing me to swallow them over and over. Until I finally spat them out.

"Are you ok?" I had something so much less… Shit planned.

"You know I'm not, so why you askin?" Sniffed the little sibling. I knew it to be a mistake pursuing conversation, yet my trippy lips refused to let the reply be swallowed.

"She was a mother who belonged to me also, we both feel the same pain." The ungrateful young girl aggressively pulled away quicker than I could comprehend whatever words were spoken.

"How dare you! Thinking your bond with mother was anything like mine?!" She stumbled back, her finger pointing aimlessly at my face as if I was a ghastly monster ripped from the nightmares you long forgotten of. "You didn't care about her… one fucking bit." Desperation grew in her voice as tears began dribbling past her cracked lips.

"Where were you?

Where were you when our mum screamed every day?

Where were you when she took her final breath?!

You were off having the time of your life with a girl you always loved more than her.

Loved more than m. m." She wasn't right in her tsunami fused temper. I was there.

"Avia"

"NO!" The voice charged with war stabbed at my heart with the force of a thousand blades "She asked where. Where you were when she died. We didn't tell you because we thought it would upset you. But FUCK YOU! You deserve to feel all the shit I've felt and so much more. One day, that love of your life will finally realize she can have anyone she wants." The demon paused; stares of those hell bound filling the atmosphere "You will fe.. You will feel your heart crumble. You will feel your life shatter around you because the person you loved most will be gone forever. Then you'll know how I feel.’’ Her voice wavered like a muffled bell, words almost unrecognizable through the blubber drooling past that sinkhole on her face. ‘’Then you'll know what it's like to not feel ok." The blades chopped my heart into a viscous pulp, bleeding amidst the yellow lantern flickers.

"I don't hate you Lowen. But I'm so fucking close."

I battled against the lava infecting my body, the maggots burying into my skin. Knowing my sister had never been so wrong in her entire life… Yet she had never been so right. My body stiffened as she stormed off, fading into the black of the backdrop. Leaving me alone with my thoughts. The same churning that tortured me for weeks. Streetlight eclipsed the scenery and echoed off flowerbeds and trees, reminding me of the struggle against darkness.

Amara had always been the girl who made my heart explode, just like mother in father's eyes. There was no shame in it. But I knew Avia couldn't understand. I knew she couldn't comprehend that type of love until she tasted it herself. I struggled to relate to her also. We were of the same blood, yet completely different minds.

The day that belonged to the past was now a night almost at its end. A single tear crept down my reddened face for the woman who raised me, the woman who made me into everything I was. Then once more, my mind turned to the princess, the girl who would make me into everything I was going to be.

A voice whispered from beyond the tree's silhouettes; from Nova’s mile high stature shimmering amongst this city within Rosewood valley. Yet it felt so close that it could've been next to my ear.

"Everything's going to be alright."