In Heaven

“I’m sorry Gladrial, but you are quite wrong. Things hav...”

“Travis, actually. Vince.” Interrupted the younger looking angel, hesitantly, but with a certain measure of glee. The older man’s face darkened, as he visibly tried to restrain himself from a snap response. And failed.

“No, No, No! That is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. We all had perfectly good names, as in you, Gladrial. A good traditional Angelic name. And mine, the Arch-Angel Gabriel. Solid, manly, traditional.”

“To be fair, Vince,” The other angel winced in mock pain at every mention of his “new” name, “Baz did write the bible, well dictated most of it I suppose well the 40% of it that wasn’t made up by the ex-disciples to make themselves sound more important...” This time, the angel formally known as Gabriel, was the one to interrupt,

“Yes, yes, yes, we all know the details. Heaven knows he bangs on about it at any given opportunity. But what was the point you were attempting to make Gladr... sorry, Travis.”

“Well, he did name us all, so it’s only fair if he wants to update things a bit.”

“Why though? What’s the point?” Vince argued. “Ever since he sent Jesus down to...”

“Wolfgang.” Travis, the angel formally known as Gladrial interrupted.

“What?” Vince replied, momentarily confused by the interruption.

“Jesus’ new name, Wolfgang. Or Wolfie to his mates, apparently.” Travis expounded.

“Wolfie?” The archangel formally known as Gabriel replied breathlessly.

“Wolfie!!? This really is going too far. Jesus should be called Jesus,

not Wolfgang and, heaven forbid, not Wolfie, nor should he have any “mates” come to that. Who has ever heard of Wolfie Christ?”

“He seems to like it actually Vince, he’s really embraced these changes. Apparently, he’s now calling Mary Magdalene, Shazza.” Continued Travis. “And I was talking to Rod and Randy the other day and...”

“Stop! Stop!” Begged Vince. “It’s beginning to sound like the cast of a bad gay porn movie. You’d better run along. His most Holy Baz Almighty is expecting you...”

Travis shifted uncomfortably in his seat. It wasn’t that the seat itself was uncomfortable. In fact, there was none more comfortable in all of creation. No, it was the situation he currently found himself in which was causing his squirmishness. Baz (the deity formally known as God,) was in one of his wandering, reflective moods and pontificating about anything and everything that came to his mind, which was a very great deal indeed. Travis was sure he had been summoned, sorry, not summoned, “had his presence requested for an informal chat”, for a very specific reason, but it was taking a very, very long time to get there. Despite being immortal, Travis still found the tin dragging along interminably.

“Might I speak your most…,” Travis began.

“Now, now Travis, I’ve told you, none of this “you’re most holy” or “my lord” or “God” business. Those titles just serve to further the gap between me and everyone else. Call me Baz.”

“Okay Baz, I was just wondering why I had been summ….sorry, I mean had my presence requested. I have got rather a lot to attend to since you put me in charge of Research and Development.” Baz looked at him blankly for a moment and Travis began to worry, he’d never have dared talk to God in this way before he was Baz, when he was, well, God. But now...

“Yes, yes, of course, how silly of me, it’s just that I so rarely get to talk these things over much these days. Look here’s the deal. (God would never have used phrases like “here’s the deal”) I need an emissary on earth, someone I can trust, but someone who’s not too well known. I need to find out exactly what’s going on down there.”

It was Travis’s turn to stare blankly at Baz.

“Is there a problem Travis?” Asked Baz disconcertingly.

“Well, it’s just that you’re..., well, you can..., what I mean to say is.., well you’re omnipresent, omnipotent; aren’t you?” Travis replied. “You know, all knowing, all seeing etc.”

“Hmm, well yes, sort of,” Baz who used to be God replied, sounding a little embarrassed. “You see, here’s the thing. Back in the day, when I created the earth and all that stuff, there was Adam and Eve. And as you know, at the time I had my top angel, Lucifer working with me. He was a brilliant ideas man. I was happy to just fiddle around and make the odd human every few weeks. Grab a rib here, shove a quick soul in there, that kind of thing. If things were getting a bit stale, pop another couple down there and watch them interact. But Lucifer, who by the way would make a terrific salesman, convinced me that genitals would be the way to go. “Save yourself time,” he said, “let them do all the hard work,” he said. “It will be more random, more exciting to watch.” So, I said, “Okay, why not? I can trust you, my left-hand man,” and left him to it. This in hindsight was not one of my better decisions I suppose. I busied myself with a similar project on plant reproduction. You know, fruit, berries, nuts, that sort of thing. Anyway, while I was putting the finishing touches on walnuts, he was tinkering away with male genitals.” Baz paused for a second to consider something. “Thinking about it, looking at them now, I think he may even have stolen my walnut idea for his scrotums. And then there’s the bananas...”

Travis shifted uncomfortably in his seat again. Angels always found the subject of sex and genitals unsettling, as they did not have any themselves.

“To cut a long story short,” Travis resisted the urge to laugh out loud, he had been here three days after all, “they went forth and multiplied, didn’t they? And before long there were thousands of them, at it like rabbits. How can anyone be expected to keep track of that lot? With all the begetting going on, it was an impossible task. Even the flood didn’t sort them out, as soon as there was a bit of dry land to lie down on, bosh! They were at it again. You see the most brilliant part of Lucifers evil plan was not only giving them the ability to reproduce, but making it not only enjoyable, but enjoyable to the point where it was the ultimate temptation. Even more than walnuts, which, I might point out are absolutely delicious.” Baz let out a rueful sigh.

“Before I knew it there were thousands, then millions, then billions of humans. With so much going on, Lucifer found it easier and easier to slip his evil designs underneath the radar. Humanity spiralled out of control. We soon had wars and sex crime, pop music, America, alcopops, other religions, sharks, poisonous animals, internet porn, mobile phones, IPods and reality TV. All sorts of temptations and sinful goings on. Being omnipresent is fine when there are only a few hundred mortals I made myself, but this lot,” Baz nodded his head back over his left shoulder to a portal behind him which looked out onto earth. This was of course a dimensional portal into space/time and not an actual one, as heaven was an alternate dimension to earth, not up in the heavens as was generally thought. “This lot are multitude; no-one could keep track of them.”

The Angel Travis thought for a moment, once over the shock of this confession he tentatively forwarded the suggestion,

“What about another flood? Flush them all out and start from scratch.”

A look of horror passed over Baz, who used to be God’s, face.

“Are you completely out of your mind?” Baz replied.

“I’m sorry my lor…sorry Baz, I wasn’t thinking, the loss of human life would be devastating and...” Travis began.

“No, no, no, it’s not that at all. Where would we put them all? When they’re dead they have to go somewhere. And not only that, so many of them are his now,” said Baz, nodding downwards.

Again, this was a token gesture, hell wasn’t down below as many people thought, but also in another dimension, adjacent to Heaven.

“His minions would outnumber us ten to one and we’d be jiggered. The fornicators alone would be queuing for a millennium just to get in.”

“I see; but I don’t understand what it is I can do for you… Baz?” Asked Angel Travis somewhat apprehensively.

“As I said, I need someone to go down there and blend in, get amongst them, find out exactly what’s going on, what the vibe is and report back to me so we can formulate a plan to turn things around.” Said Baz simply.

“And you want me to suggest someone who I think might be suitable for the role?” Travis asked, hopefully.

“No, no, not at all. No, I’ve checked over the files on the omni-computer, and after a wrangle with Windows Vista, by the way, all the charity work in the world isn’t going to save Bill Gates after that little gem, your name came out on top.”

“Oh no, surely not Baz. There are those out there far more qualified than me. Archangel Gabriel, sorry, Vince. He’s already been down there a few times and knows the way things run. Or one of the warrior angels, Quentin or Nigel. They’d be able to look after themselves with all the evil and violence going on. You said yourself, it’s sin city down there.”

“I did consider all of those Travis. But I feel I need one of our younger angels, someone more in touch with life down there. Vince is too set in his ways, and between you and me, he hasn’t exactly embraced these changes. As for Quentin and Nigel, well, they’re having trouble casting off the warrior angel image and are in anger management therapy at the moment.

“Anyway, you can port down tomorrow. I’ve arranged a cover ID for you. Your name will be Adam Firstman, and you will be a teacher of religious education at a school in a little town called London.”

“Yes, thank you Baz. Very inventive of you. I don’t suppose I have a wife called Eve, maiden name Firstwoman?” Replied Travis sarcastically.

“No, no, that would make it too hard for you to do your job, having a live-in woman person. You will, however, have certain agents of the heavens available to you should you need them. You’ll know them when you meet them.” The deity formally known as God paused. “Now before you go, you will need to catch up on earth culture and language. You don’t want to be caught out in a social conversation, by being ignorant of some commonly known fact. So, I have arranged for Senior Angel Coco to tutor you. It shouldn’t take long; she has this direct to brain download thingy she’s been working on. As far as we are aware most of the information is up to date. Pop in and see her on the way through, would you? There’s a good chap. she’ll also help out with wardrobe and the like. Now, initially I think one human month should suffice, then you can report back, and then we’ll see if a further trip is required.” Baz paused one of his long pauses again. “There could be a promotion in this for you if all goes well.” He added, furtively, then continued, “And one last thing, just be aware that, although I may be a little out of touch with what is going on down there, I am most definitely still omnipresent in heaven, Travis, and I do hear everything. Just for the record, Wolfie and Shaz were never technically married. She was just some chick he hung out with and the mother of his seventeen children.”

“Oh, good God!” Travis could not stifle the exclamation, “Will you look at the time. I’d better go and pack if I’m heading down tomorrow.”

“Excellent, that’s the spirit. And perhaps while you are there, you could put in a good word for me. You know, point out how most of the bad things are down to Lucifer’s meddling and not me. Except Monday mornings. I’m afraid that one is down to me, but the week had to start somewhere after all.

Travis exited into the corridor outside Baz’s executive suite, and as soon as the door closed his shoulders slumped. He had to try and get out of this mess. What on earth (no pun intended) could he do in a month? Seven billion people and nearly one hundred and forty-nine million kilometres squared of surface land area! From his work in research and development, Travis had the facts stored away in his head, with one hundred and ninety-five countries in the world, he would need to visit around six a day, or at least three or four to get a good cross section. It was sheer madness; how could he gather enough information to make a valid assessment in that time. If there was some way of completing this hair-brained scheme, that would be news to him. Then, a voice booming came from Baz’s office, startling Travis, “I haven’t got a hairy brain!!” Despite his threat of omniety in heaven, Baz obviously wasn’t quite across everything, or at least not the complete picture. Travis pondered this as he started to move down the corridor to Senior Angel Coco’s laboratory. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks. Something he had thought earlier flashed back across his mind, and he suddenly had a plan. It wasn’t so much a plan to get out of this task, but a major short cut which meant he may not even have to set foot on earth.

Shortly he found himself in Coco’s workshop and explaining his plan to her.

“…and when I thought ‘That’s news to me,’ the penny dropped. All I need to do is collect all the major newspapers and magazines in the world, scan the news networks and I will have all the up to date and valid information I need.

“I’m not sure about that Travis. Earth’s media does have a reputation for…” Coco began, but Travis interrupted.

“Yes, yes, obviously I’ll skip the stuff that sounds ridiculous, but it’s really the main headlines I need. If I manage to gather digital copies of everything I need, will you be able to do a brain download of it?”

Coco’s face brightened, turning from scepticism to interest. “Well yes, I think…if I make some adjustments and recalibrate some things it should be doable. But it will be an all or nothing download, it would be an enormous task to set the device up to filter out headlines, you’d have to do all that first, clean up the raw data etc.”

Travis forced a smile on his face, he had been hoping to just dump every thing in the memory bank and have it do the donkey work. As he thought this, a booming voice filled the room. It was Baz. Again. “We do not employ donkeys!” Travis shook his head slightly and continued. “Of course, of course. I can do that."

And so Travis began scanning the earth for all the daily papers he could find, and the fate of mankind was sealed.