In Defense of Offense

It seems you can’t go anywhere these days without seeing another “in defense of (fill in the blank)” article. By always taking the defensive position these articles have given the offense minded article writer, and offensive articles in general an undeserved bad rap. I for one am sick of it and have decided to take a bold, and dare I say brave stand, in defense of offense. I will defend offense until my very last breath and I will never be defensive about the offensive unless of course I am defending it from unfair defensive attacks. I recognize that this position in defense of offense will be unpopular with offensive defenders but someone has to stick up for the little guy. Offense has been on the defense for way too long. It has stood silently by as defense after defense has been written, and done nothing. That ends today. Offense is going on the offense and I will defend offense from any all defensive attacks no matter how offensive or defensive they may be. This is war, plain and simple, and defenses days are numbered. It’s time for the offensive to begin.

On Offense Against In Defense of Articles - A Tired and Lazy Approach That is Way Overdue for Retirement

I think it is well past time for us to collectively agree to end the practice of writing in defense of articles. At the very least can we agree to stop using article titles in the form of “In Defense of (Fill in the Blank)?” Unless you are a defense attorney or perhaps a defensive linemen or end you probably have very little reason to defend anything or anyone from anything or anyone else. I applaud and encourage the idea taking a stand for something you believe in and sticking up for the little guy. However, by positioning yourself as the defender, you have ceded ground that is probably not yours to give, and may not deserve to be ceded, even it it were. It’s like if you were a boxer and you threw in the towel for another boxer fighting in a different ring against a different opponent. Yes you are both boxers, but beyond that you have nothing in common. Certainly you are not in any position to be giving up his fight for him even if the other guy is clearly beating the shit out of him.

And now...

In Defense Of the Weather Forecaster

Author's note: The Vocal censorship board did not approve this entire story the first time I submitted it because "Vocal does not publish racial slurs or epithets." At least they have come to terms with what they are doing as the very next sentence suggests I should "Please censor any use of a racial slur and resubmit" I searched high and low throughout the story and cannot find the racial epithet or racial slur to which they are referring. Since I do not use such terms in my daily language or my writing ever that I can remember I am really struggling. Below is a list of the terms that I think qualify as epithets but are certainly not racial slurs. Guess someone might think could be racial slurs...I guess??

...dickweed

..sucky suckington

...dickface

..suckface

Ahh, screw it I don't have time to deal with this shit. I am just gonna delete the entire second half of the story. Hopefully it was in there somewhere. I only added this stupid weatherman deal because I was not at the stupid ass 600 word count minimum with the article I actually cared about. You fucking suck Vocal. Gotta love that censorship and that 600 word count minimum. Dumb asses.

Yes I Am Looking At You Michael Crichton

“Chaos theory… says that you can never predict the weather more than a few days away. All the money that has been spent on long-range forecasting — about half a billion dollars in the last few decades — is money wasted. It’s a fool’s errand. It’s as pointless as trying to turn lead into gold. We look back at the alchemists and laugh at what they were trying to do, but future generations will laugh at us the same way.” –Michael Crichton

Hahaha, Mr. Chricton, as usual you have been proven correct. I, future Dan, have returned from 50 years hence, and can confirm that indeed we are all laughing at you. Specifically at you, no one else from the time period you are in, well maybe Trump a little, but mostly just at you. For you are a dickweed and in the future we find dickweeds very funny. My AI Johnny Penumonny is even laughing at you and he mostly just sits around learning all day every day. Can you imagine that, a machine that learns, who’d have thunk it? Sadly you were incorrect in your musings vis a vis turning lead into gold for in my future we have learned to transmute lead into gold. It took only 1 ten millionth of a nanosecond for our times greatest system of intelligence, the legendary, captain klidbot, to figure out that problem. If only his artificial neural network had survived for another ten millionth of a second who knows what great things might have been. Instead he imploded creating the bend in space time which birthed the wormhole that allowed me to return here to your time to deliver these glad tidings.

Yes the future is a wonderful time, like a utopia almost. Were it not for the constant threat of annihilation at the hands of our robot overlords we would truly be in heaven. I spend most of my days reading the great works of literature. Jurassic Park, Congo, Micro, and Sphere are considered classics in the future from whence I came. I consider them trash, some of the worst pieces of crap I have ever wasted my time and precious eyeball energy scanning in the back of the WaldenBooks which also exists yet again in the future. Strangely paper books and bookstores have experienced an unexpected resurgence as it has become quite fashionable among the young AI cyborg set to try and “experience” life as a human in the late 20th century prior to their “birth” in 2045 exactly as predicted by many of the tech utopians of the time. (Holy run-on batman….[or is it my young ward? Look again]). How I could ever have questioned their wisdom is beyond me. The singularity however has been something of a bust as the first attempt to upload a human mind to the worldnetsphere 3.11 went very badly. On the plus side spending the rest of your life confined to a bed in a loony bin, shitting and pissing in your adult diapers because you think you are a six month old toddler might not be so bad, especially if you consider the alternative. That being that your mind is actually completely normal and conscious of everything with the full rationality and emotional maturity of a man of 35 years while on another level, the level that is in control, you exist as a toddler shitting and pissing yourself in bed until you die of wasting disease in about 100 years kept alive through the heroic attention of the very AI doctors you wished to become more like. Its definitely not that second one.

Part 2 — On a more serious and somewhat less horrific note. I stand by my Michael Crichton dickweed comment and believe his books suck as badly as a thing can theoretically suck and not collapse in on itself from the gravity well created by the mass of suckiness. The resulting sucktasm this creates causes a black suckhole which draws into its gaping maw of suckdom anything in the universe, even quality itself cannot escape once it passes through the suck horizon. However, I would like to now return to the original topic which was a defense of weather forecasters in light of the criticism by chaos theory levied by the aforementioned dickweed.

I have only studied chaos theory at a laymen’s level and obviously do not have the intellectual chops of a man as great as Michael Crichton. In fact I cant believe I have the temerity to question the authority of the man who wrote what will no doubt be remembered as one of the greatest dinosaur return from extinction novels of all time, Jurassic Park. It is perhaps the greatest commentary we have on the pitfalls that may await us if the tools of genetic engineering fall into the hands of hack authors before we are ready as a species to deal with the consequences. God help us if he gets a hold of AI and machine learning pre-singularity. Do not let him enroll Udacity! You neither, shitty little copy cat brother Udemy! He may try to use his fake name, Sucky Suckington, don’t fall for it.

With all the preamble out of they way I can begin my retort. I take issue with Suckface’s argument on two levels. First I do not agree that chaos theory “says” you can never predict the weather more than a few days away. The only thing chaos theory really “says” about the weather is the oft repeated and intellectually lazy illustrative example of the butterfly flapping its wings….tornado/hurricane…yawn..snore…ugh..here we go again. Chaos theory, being a mathematical construction, cannot say anything about anything. However I will grant that you do not really mean ‘say’ in a typical sense but rather ‘say’ in a mathematical sense. Chaos theory may be able to say some things about the weather in this sense but it certainly cannot say everything. Being mathematical in nature it can only comment on the mathematical aspects of the weather. Do you believe that all of weather can be described by mathematics? You probably do, that’s one of the things that makes you a dickweed. Can the beauty of a cloud be described by mathematics, what about the feeling you get when the smell of freshness following a rainstorm in spring first hits your nose?

Those are hippy dippy human emotions and feelings, lets move this back to the good stuff. Chaos theory essentially defines what the weather cannot do, if it is correct, it is still a theory, though it has much experimental and observational support it is far from becoming recognized as a law of nature. Assuming it is correct the weather is much more than what it cannot do, isn’t it? Therefore chaos theory leaves much of the weather (essentially everything it can do undescribed i.e. it says nothing about what the weather can do). The weather can do a hell of a lot of stuff, therefore chaos theory is a poor choice of systems for criticizing a weather forecaster. Ironically enough a weather forecasters job requires that he say a lot about the weather unlike chaos theory which as we have just illustrated says very little about it.