If It Weren't For Me

Here's the thing about agreements. For many, when they are broken the repercussions tend to be decently small nothing more than an angry or disappointed 2nd party. But nothing ends up with serious casualties. I never thought about the seriousness of making an agreement and keeping my word. If I would've known that the one I had just made would be so permanent, all my decisions would've been so much different than the ones I made.

*Flashback*

"You need to get up Jess! I need you, we need you. Please get up! We are nothing without you. PLEASE! Get up and fight this! I can't do this without you!"

Every piece of me was begging me to stay down, to just stop fighting. Every person here assumed that I was tired and no longer wanted to fight since it had been so many rounds one after the other but Cam knew otherwise. He knew it goes so far beyond a petty little fight. He knew it went into dark territory. We both know that I have two options here: I either get up and show them I am capable of more or I give up. I thought about it for a second before using the strength I had left to push myself up. Little black dots danced across my vision as I gripped onto the rails trying to steady myself.

The room grew eerily cold as the crowd grew quiet. Whispers broke out in batches around me but I didn't dare turn my eyes away from the large man that stood with his back to me. He had yet to notice my rise as he rolled in his false pride. I took this as my opportunity to finish this the way I should've long ago. Gathering the little fight I still had in me, I hobbled over landing blow after blow until the ref had called the end of the round. A roar circled the room as many cheered and booed at the final result. Looking up, my eyes locked with a certain individual who was angriest of them all to see my fate. I sent him the smallest of smiles before making my way out of the rink.

Through the heaps of people, I'd finally spotted Cam in the distance. Limping towards him, angry shouts erupted from behind me. I began to turn to see the commotion when a sharp pain erupted through my body. "Let this be a reminder of our agreement." I grew limp as I slowly collapsed. My eyes fought to stay open as he ran my way, but I never got to see him up close as my eyes fluttered shut.

*End of flashback*

"Miss Jessalyn, did you happen to have an answer to my question, or is whatever was going on in that head of yours more interesting? Miss Jessalyn!" my eyes snapped to my digital arts professor.

"Sorry professor, I'm afraid I have no answer." She fumed, continuing her lecture on our final project. I avoided eye contact as my friends glanced over in hopes I would let them in. Turning back towards my laptop, I read the multiple headlines that overtook news outlets years ago "Girl Found After One Year Missing." Nothing felt safe anymore, not home, not my friends, and not my family.

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"Hey mom, how's everything going up there? I miss you. It's not the same without you. I lost out on time with you and words don't describe how much I wish I had them back right now. I need you mom. I don't have anyone anymore. I get up some days and I just can't anymore. I keep pushing because I know you would want me to but I don't know if I can anymore. How do I keep going knowing that there's nothing left for me?" I let out a sob starring at her gravestone. If it weren't for that one year, if it weren't for him she would be here and I would've been there for her when it all happened. "You didn't deserve to go the way you did..." Sensing I was being watched I looked up in search of the pair of eyes already locked on me but came out empty-handed. I stayed for a couple more minutes before heading back to my apartment.

Walking into this empty apartment reminds me every time of how alone I really feel. No matter how often Jake or Cam is here that doesn't stop the loneliness from lurking in the shadows. It doesn't stop me from being greeted by loneliness at the door, or tucked in by the haunting feeling at night. It doesn't guard me against the sheer guilt I feel every time I go visit her and realize she's never coming back. Because of me, she doesn't get to enjoy her life and take that trip around Europe she always hoped to one day take, or attend a fashion show, or find the sense of peace and genuine love she dreamt about. If it weren't for me...