I'm Here

It's been so long since I've seen colors; the blue sky, birds, trees, smelled a flower or felt human touch, but I remember you as though it was yesterday. Your smile and the way your eyes crinkled, your one dimple that would appear as your eyes all but closed when you'd walk toward me grinning from ear to ear. Your beautiful brown skin, so soft it felt like heaven, so warm, so smooth, tattoos adorning both your arms, never quite completed, but still a part of you. Your voice, nurturing, low and soft always comforted me.

It all feels so pointless now. We planned every little detail of our survival plan. We knew what to pack and store. We felt invincible. We stepped out of our comfort zone to make a solid plan. We bought this Build-A-Bunker kit on Amazon, which always seemed to be sold out, but we got really lucky & scored one somehow and we even figured out how to assemble it ourselves. Remember us bickering over where all the nuts and bolts went? Somehow we got through it though. We were ready and prepared, maybe for the first time in our lives. We knew this was coming. They told us over and over until it was inevitable. We were repeatedly warned and we were going to survive together as long as we could even though we had no survival skills whatsoever. We Googled everything we needed for our survival kit. We stocked up on everything including your inhalers. I miss Google. I have so many questions that keep popping in my head.

I took Google for granted. I miss Amazon too. Lord have mercy, but Jeff Bezos made so much money off us. He either has an insanely amazing bunker with everything you could imagine wherever he is or he and all his billionaire buddies left the planet for good with Elon Musk. They're probably all building Earth II over on Mars. I always thought that was so ridiculous. Humans can't outrun themselves, they'll just ruin everything there too probably. So wasteful. They could have put their money into saving what we had instead. This planet was true perfection.

Now, all I have of you is this tarnished little heart shaped trinket, a little locket with a tiny lock you gave me for my birthday that contained a lock of your hair. You thought it was a fun play on words - a lock in a locked locket. I had meant to put a photo in it, but I never seemed to have one printed out. All our photos were "preserved" in digital. Years of memories trapped on social media servers, lost forever or maybe one of those massive data storage centers survived and one day they'll recover our images from our cruise to the Caribbean, the wedding in Cabo, all our whale watching excursions and all our family and social gatherings. You loved your selfies, commemorating every event with numerous selfies taken with friends and family. I hated this at first, but eventually gave in. So many memories we thought were captured indefinitely, but I guess everything is finite in some manner, especially now.

I think I'm losing my mind sometimes. I start drifting off somewhere and I am startled as I think I hear you whisper, "Baby" the way you had thousands of times before. "Baby," I'd wake and look for you so many times when I heard this at first, but now I don't even bother opening my eyes. I just say "I love you." Maybe it's your ghost, or maybe it's a memory, but either way it's the only visitor I have and I'm not ready to silence it. I talk to you every day. You're my "Wilson" just like in Castaway, but instead of a volleyball, I just have this locket I talk to.

Some days I curse you, but that's only because I miss you and I need you. I have a hard time finding any reason to continue living. Why am I still here? Where are you? Why didn't you come back? "One more thing we need" you said. "I'll be right back," but it was too late. The deafening boom, the ground shaking, the doors bolted as radiation contaminants were immediately detected by the sensors and I was alone without you. Alone with my thoughts, my memories... I cried for months so hard I got migraines then I just got numb and went into this dream like state by meditating and listening to the only music I have, my own CDs haha! Nobody had CDs anymore. If we were to die we should have died together. If we were to live we should have lived together. Now I'm a ghost living in a mausoleum that no one will visit. Nobody even knows I'm here. We kept it as our secret when we started this project years ago after the big pandemic of 2020. We didn't want the crazies coming around begging to come in when we only had room and supplies for two people. Enough for two, but where are you?

I take the locket out to look at it again, running my fingers over the unique geometric texture and design. I try to smell your hair, but I can't seem to smell anything at all anymore. All my senses are so dull with no stimulation. Is there any remnant of you to be found? Anything besides my memories?

"Baby" I hear for the millionth time. I ignore it. I can't talk to your ghost right now. Go away. Leave me alone. "Baby" I hear it more clearly. I shake myself and after 2 years of lingering somewhere between worlds, I am suddenly wide awake. I open my eyes and begin scanning my little tomb. "Baby, can you hear me? Are you there?" The Walkie Talkies you bought I kept with fresh batteries just in case. Hope was all I had left. You told me keep it on Channel 11 always if we got separated, but sometimes I'd try all the different channels to see if I could find any signs of life out there, but there was nothing. I hear some static "Baby? Please answer if you can hear me." The fog completely lifts from me as if I am just reborn and my heart rate skyrockets, my senses sharpen as I realize I'm not hallucinating. I grab the Walkie Talkie and startle myself with the sound of my own voice as I scream, tears running down my face "I'm Here!"