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I Faced My Fear By Falling In Love With You

. . . and it took you

By Maya Papaya Published 3 years ago 12 min read
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I Faced My Fear By Falling In Love With You
Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

I am a girl born and made in the dessert. Prickly pear cacti, dunes, auburn rock formations and no green in sight made the landscape of the place I call home. Heat was the only element I had a keen sense of awareness of, an element I knew how to handle.

Not snow.

I had never seen snow. I had what I deemed to be a healthy fear of an element that was powerful and foreign. I have lived in a place where water falling from the sky made people on the road go crazy and lose their mind.

I remember one instance where I was driving late at night and got caught in a storm. All of the lights went out, there was no one else on the road, it was far away from any signs of life, at least in that moment. Bolts of electricity came crashing down from the sky in quick succession with no state of peace in between.

This had never happened to me before. So I took a breath and prayed. I looked at the crashing water around the vehicle and never once got blind sided by anyone or anything even when trees were crashing down, trash was beating against the windshield, and the strength of the storm threatening to upend my car and with it my life.

But that never happened.

Even still it only enhanced my thought process that I needed to stay away from this thing people seemed to love. All of the danger to me was snow. People would break their necks in skiing, crash in cars from drifting, and get trapped places with no means to breathe. Slow death being something that did not sound a means by which I wanted to go. All of these scenarios leaving you with little to no control.

The beauty of the cold in pictures is intimidating. There is a deadly power and vast magnitude of what many called beautiful. This thing people called ice looked like shards of glass. Clear and cutting through all it came across. Sharp in an unpleasant way with a chill that does not cool off but rather numb and at times tingle in a harsh sensation.

It is uncomfortable. It is intimidating. It is unpleasant.

So I stayed away for as long as I could, but of course you can never outrun the forces of nature: the elements, love and loss being a few of them.

By Nadine Rupprecht on Unsplash

That is where one chapter ended and another began.

I became enamored with a traveler, an adventurer. He would want to hike the unmarked trails, explore the ruins of the past, climb the tallest mountains. We would travel over the summer months while not in school. We would go to Europe, China, Africa, and places in South America. Picture perfect moments were recorded on our social medias, late night talks of deeper secrets were shared- things that we were to afraid to speak in the light of day, trust was built.

I fell in love with the man he became throughout the years. I witnessed the transition from boy to man and those wishy washy feelings of young love and butterflies as a late teen became a mature love and respect for another as a woman.

For as much as he changed so did I. He taught me, he encouraged me, and he trusted me as I did him. I fell in love with the way in which he would be vulnerable and admit to his faults, when he would ask for my help and support in challenges, when he would calm me down, remind me he was there. He was a source of strength for me and I could only hope I was a source of encouragement for him.

We learned each others triggers too.

I learned that he got easily annoyed with people who did not outright say what they meant- who would dance around their feelings and opinions when they so clearly had an answer of what they wanted. He did not like people who would make small talk that had no meaning. He hated loud obnoxious noises- that was at times a source of contention as my hiccups were rather unsettling and surprising. He did not like feeling vulnerable and he for sure did not want that to be seen by many.

He learned that I had a temper and would snap if I got pushed. He learned that I would say everything that was on my mind on anything in the present because I hated when people were not up front but hid so much of the hurt and the pain of a past that I never wanted to revisit. He knows that he is the first guy in a long time that I was able to talk with. Hell, he even had a front row seat to me telling him that I have liked other guys who were never the right guy. He stood through that with me though. He knew that, respected my boundaries, and was there when I needed him.

And vice versa.

We would stay up late into the night to talk, we would look at each other across the table full of our friends and with a look to the other just know what the other was thinking, we understood each other's sarcasm which would not translate well to others. We may not always agree but we would always be able to chill and talk.

One night he asked me if I wanted to go on an adventure with him and a group of his friends. At the time I thought it was just another outing with the gang though secretly hoped it meant more.

I accepted.

Little did we know it would lead to what we have today. It was not a storybook romance by any means. It was just two broken people who found a companion, respect, and joy in another human being, who stood by each other's side, who took the good with the bad, and grew something better than either one could have done alone. It was messy, awkward, and sometimes plain odd. But it was real and it worked for the two of us and no one else had to get it. We got it and that was all that mattered.

By Ryan Hutton on Unsplash

Then one starry night, no I could not make this up if I had tried, we were looking up at the sky with our sleeping bags underneath us and he turns to me and asks, "would you consider going with me to the mountains in the winter months?"

I looked to him with widened eyes.

I felt my tongue scraping against the roof of my mouth trying to force out words that I just could not formulate in that moment. That's a first. He just watched me patiently. I turned back to the sky this time my mind was far away from the grounding presence I normally felt when we are camped out in a clearing.

Of course he would eventually bring up the idea of discovering some snowy landscapes. I feared snow and for what I thought was good reason. I had overcome so much for this man next to me. I would scale heights, fly through the air, dive deep into the water (okay that one was fun- I loved water!), and went on many a rollercoaster. All of this without having to talk about my fear of the frigid landscape.

This is the one time in our relationship where I hesitated to follow. I was curious of course. The beauty was indescribable and if I was to experience the full magnitude of it there was no one else I would want by my side. It was just the idea of the other side of the beauty that scared me. The danger, the awe, the pure power. When it comes to nature you are not in control and if you allow yourself to think you are then you are just deluding yourself.

Some may call this outlook pessimism. I call it a healthy understanding of nature.

We do not speak of it for the rest of the trip, but I know that as we are packing the car to head back home we will have a conversation again.

By Christian Mackie on Unsplash

Sure enough about a week later as I am preparing us dinner he comes in and asks me again. He approaches it with little preamble in the way that we do. I feel a tug to tell him about my struggle with the cold and what it means to me but for some reason I held back.

"I don't think this is a good idea," I answer instead.

"I will be there with you the whole time," he says earnestly sensing the fear but not understanding the root cause.

I feel the tug to tell him again but I cannot bring myself to do it. I come back to this moment every time I look back at what I would have changed. Other than the verbalization of how deep my love and care for him really was this was the only other thing I regretted not telling him.

"I don't know," I say with a look down.

"If you really don't want to come you do not have to," he responds softly with a finger under my chin, showing me the sincerity in his eyes.

I nodded my head and said, "thank you."

I should have said yes.

By Caterina Beleffi on Unsplash

Now I am here next to the frozen lake where the wreckage of your car would have been. They said you would have ben alive for a few hours. Did you see this lake? Were you in pain? I hope not.

They say that when they found your body your phone still had a picture of the two of us. I broke down crying over the line. Elizabeth was in the room with me when I got the news. She had to take the phone out of my hands. Later when I calmed down, I heard that I had dropped to my knees, body limp, shaking my head, hands over my ears or eyes shouting "WHY?!?!?" over and over again. She told me she even had to leave the building and calm down once they were able to get me into a bed to pass out from all of the wailing and crying.

But that is not what you would want to hear.

I guess you would be happy that I finally got out of the house. Probably a little confused as to the first place I go to in my state of mourning would be here.

How could I not? This is where you are.

Why did I come?

I came because you taught me that I could be bigger than my fears and hesitations. You taught me how to get a grasp on life. You taught me that through all the pain you can smile. You taught me how to love and what it means to love a person not falling in love but actually being in love. Making the conscious choice to continuously love someone flaws and all.

I also came because

.

.

.

I found the ring. I didn't need them to tell me anything. Maybe I will ask when I get back. Maybe I won't. I just wanted my answer to be to you first. Not to a messenger.

I would have said yes.

My eyes start to close from the tears that are building and I distinctly feel a painful chill as the wind hits, but then the sun glows a little brighter, the weather becomes a little warmer and there is a whisper of your voice in the wind. In my distressed state I can see you there right in front of me standing on the water. You hold out your hand to me and without thinking I jump up and reach out my hands to touch. Of course my hand touches nothing solid because in this moment you are a ghost. You are not here in front of me but my mind continues to conjure your image all the same.

"I miss you," is all I can choke out.

He looks at me sadly and holds out his hands. I put mine in his and he looks at the ring that I had placed on my finger. He smiles wide and then there is sadness.

"I would have said yes," I repeat what I stated earlier.

He smiles and puts a hand through my hair. I can only feel the cool of the wind. A tingle and numbing sensation runs through my body. It is not uncomfortable. It is actually pleasant. It is real.

By Andrey Bond on Unsplash

I blink away my tears and look up to see the ethereal being has disappeared. I fall to the cold ground and look up at the sun shining through the trees.

There on the cold, hard ground, water seeping through my jeans, I smile at the beauty of the place. I promise to come back here ever year to remember. To thank you for all that you have done.

Not a year goes by where that promise is not fulfilled. Some years are harder than others but I always come with something good to tell you. I have never taken off that ring nor have accepted any other. Till my dying day there was never any other man that came close to what you were to me.

You were my one love and I lost you. It was never that I didn't look though I regretted it shortly thereafter. It was that your life ended too shortly but in the time that you were here you had a lasting impact.

So I keep you in my heart and in my mind. I continue to celebrate love and life. I will just never allow anyone else to fill a void that only you could fill. Only you could have changed me the way you have. Only you have seen every part of me and my insecurities and if not you then the ghost version of you that comes to me when I need you most.

I hope you know that I love you and I cannot wait for the day when I get to see you again and say it to your face. Don't worry, I am not rushing it. But when I leave it will be with a smile knowing you will be waiting for me.

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About the Creator

Maya Papaya

A creative at heart but a squirrel for a brain. Making the actual completion of anything is yet to be determined 😂

I am a content creator, writer, and world traveler (still getting to the last part)

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