I don't recognize you anymore

“I don’t recognize you anymore”

I was hearing his voice echoing in my mind.

“I don’t recognize you anymore”

Some things in life do make you change. It’s not like he didn’t change. He changed and he changed me.

The days are getting colder. I can’t exactly recall where I am. Somewhere new, yet so familiar.

I tried talking to him, telling him that something felt weird.

Alex and I met 2 years ago. Nothing too out of the ordinary, he was still in school, studying computer science, with one semester left. I was a songwriter, working full-time in a job, I hated. You know office jobs. Not exactly the most fulfilling life.

We were not exactly what you would call soulmates, first it’s not like the both of us believe in that sort of stuff anyways, we were not even close to being similar, yet we just had this understanding of one another. We would just lay there for hours, without saying anything. To me that felt so powerful. Being yourself.

I have never loved a human being as much as I love Alex. It wasn’t perfect but it was mine.

I remember, we used to go to this cute little park every Sunday, I would sit and read, he would bring his laptop, without fault, in case he would want to work on his stuff. We’d always end up talking and staring at the sky. Not doing any work obviously. Those were the best days. When love is fresh when you feel like there’s so much hope. When every kiss feels like a firework.

Love changes, and don’t get me wrong, it is so beautiful but every now and then, I would reminisce of our early days together and wish we could go back.

There was a pear tree in the middle of that park. I always thought it was such beautiful tree.

I would often tell Alex that when we would get a house and raise our kids, I wanted to get a pear tree in our backyard. We used to sit under it, have picnics and show off our young romance like everyone else was invisible.

I have taken so much for granted. So much.

We got married. It was a very small wedding. Just family and close friends.

We had a nice candlelit dinner, we had so much fun.

We mostly had good days and the bad days were way easier with him. The love never disappeared; in fact, it grew into a beautiful flower.

I know, sometimes I sound a bit bittersweet, but I will never be bittersweet about our love. That is the one thing I am immensely grateful about.

After 5 years together, we finally got our house. It was exactly like I wanted. I took a job as a music teacher. Which wasn’t as bad as I would have imagined.

Then, I got pregnant. Finally, after so many tries. It finally worked. I remember, Alex’s face when I told him, his eyes were filled with tears of joy. The authenticity in his happiness was exquisite.

“I love you Charlotte”, “We need you” I can barely hear him.

You see, over the last weeks, something got to me. A weird feeling, that left my days a burden. Left a smell in the air that was unbearable.

I was scared. Scared to lose her.

“I don’t recognize you anymore” Alex’s whispered to me, rubbing my shoulder.

I was spending all my days, sobbing, in bed. I had dealt with depression in the past but to that extend, never. I didn’t even want to talk to him anymore.

Only a few weeks were left until our baby was born. I was weaker and weaker. My appetite was non-existent. I really thought I would lose her. I wouldn’t have been able to forgive myself. I was so wrong.

I gave birth of my beautiful Adaline on a Tuesday morning at 9:18 am. A beautiful healthy girl.

Me, on the other hand. I gave up mine. I gave up my life. I fought. They did everything they could. They couldn’t save me. Turns out, I was indeed very ill. Confused it for depression, how dumb of me. Nobody noticed anything, not even my doctor dammit. There is nothing I can do at this point, but the regrets linger through me, if only I had the chance to go back in time, I would do anything to get my life back.

I don’t know where I am. It’s not heaven. It’s horrible. Nobody sees me. I am alone here. Let me tell you one thing, this is not what I expected. I will never get to hold my daughter or feel the summer breeze brushing my skin. I will never feel the simple kiss of my dear husband. I will never play the guitar or get to sing a lullaby to her.

I know that I am grateful, I know he will be a great father and I hope he finds love again. As strong as we loved each other. But I just wish they’d see me.

Sometimes, I like to pass by the house. See what Adaline has become.

Alex planted a pear tree.

I wish they could see me. I wish they could hold me.

I hope they never forget me.

“I love you Alex”

“I love you Adaline”