I didn't know my name.

Read part one “Am I about to go into surgery?”

Disclaimer: I have never been to a psych ward, these are just details from my dreams.

When I get ready to sleep I don’t have a routine. I usually write for the last hour before bed, and then fall asleep with my laptop light shining on my face. There is no glamorous way to prepare to step into someone else's reality.

It took a week before I stepped back into the white hallway of the psych hospital.

She still had her purple Patagonia sweatshirt around her shoulders. She was staring at the ceiling lights. And now I was just standing in the hallway completely unaware of what she was doing. I rudely busted my way into this reality. Of course, it is never on purpose, but I still feel guilty.

I didn’t know what my name was. So I just kept quiet.

There was screaming in the hallway, or maybe it was squealing? Either way, it was high-pitched and abrupt. Then another patient came skipping down the hallway. She was taller than me but had pigtails and a lisp.

She was singing “Sthally sthold sthea sthells by the sthea sthore” with great vigor. Then she stopped in front of me.

“Stho, who did you decide to be today?”

“I’m sorry what?” I genuinely was confused.

“Oh, I guesth I haven't met this one before. My name isth Lady.”

I didn’t know what my name was. So I just kept quiet.

“Who are you?” She persisted.

I didn’t know. I genuinely didn’t know.

This is not a guarded psych ward. I could come and go as I pleased.

“You musth be mute. Thatsth rather boring person to be. I may not be able to talk right, but at least I’m not mute.”

“I’m not mute,” I was trying to defend this body I intruded on.

“Oh you’re not. Well, I’ll have to call you sthoming. I’ll think of a good nickname. For all of youz” She made a circular motion with her hand.

“I’m sorry Lady, but what was I doing?”

“I don’t know,” She said as she continued to skip down the hallway.

I decided to continue in the direction I was already facing. And eventually, I made it to the front of the building I originally walked through. Then one of the rules popped in my head.

This is not a guarded psych ward. I could come and go as I pleased.

Should I just…. Walk back out?

Then the receptionist was watching me look at the doors, and she got on that phone again. And not even thirty seconds later the same nurse came up to me.

“What are you doing, Miss Rockwell?”

“Why isn’t this hospital locked up? How come I could just walk out?” It just came out before I could really think about the consequences.

“Because in California, government-funded facilities with lower risk patients can't be secured to assure patients can get help in case of emergency.”

“So I am a low-risk patient?” I almost wanted to write this body a letter, letting her know she was safe and low risk.

“Well Yes Miss Rockwell, you have been going to therapy and Dr. Crimsen should be explaining your condition.”

I put my hand in my purple fuzzy pocket.

She put her hand just above my shoulder and guided me away from the doors.

And towards a living room type of game room. It reminded me of a middle school homeroom. Where there were checkers missing pieces and adlibs fully filled out. There weren't any video games. No Nintendo switch, PS4, Xbox. It felt like I just walked back into 2007.

The carpet was some cheap blue, the tables were round with gray tops, and the couches were a mixture of cracked tan leather and cracked blue leather. There were maybe three other girls in the room, but no one looked like they were interested in talking to me.

I jerked my head up to meet my eyes with golden-brown eyes.

When I went to ask the nurse if I could speak to Dr. Crimsen, but the nurse was already gone. I didn’t want Miss Rockwell to seem crazy for asking what day it was, but I also wanted to know if this was the year 2021. There didn’t seem to be any worries of Covid here, and a lack of technology. Was that just because I was in a mental health hospital?

I sat on a round table and laid my head down on my arms covered in purple comfort. I am so thankful I asked to keep this tatted purple cardigan. It smelled like stale cigarettes and Gain scented pebbles and it made the fog of depression and confusion lift for a split second.

Then as I was deep in thought about what Miss Rockwell's house smelled like someone tapped my shoulder.

“I’m sorry to disturb you Miss Rockwell, But you’ll be late to therapy if you don’t head there now.”

I jerked my head up to meet my eyes with golden-brown eyes. She was also in the white uniform, but it was perfectly contrasted against her dark brown skin. Her hair was in two frizzy brown braids.

“Oh thanks for waking me up” I finally said after being amazed by her beauty. “But I don't know where it is.”

“Well you are in a good mood,” she smiled and melted my heart. “I don’t mind walking you there, I won’t tell nobody that you lost your mind somewhere between the morning and the afternoon.”

“Ya thanks, I’ve been feeling crazier since I got here.”

“You wouldn’t be the only one.”

“What is the year?”

She paused, “Wow, you really did lose your mind.”

“You still won’t tell will ya?”

“Of course not.”

I walked in silence, we were being bathed in white and fluorescent lights. I thought she forgot my question and accepted it was a silly question.

“It’s December 1st of 2021. You are in San Luis Obispo California in a behavioral health hospital. I don’t know much about your condition, but you are AaaahLLWAYS confused.”

“Why are you here?”

“Well the same reason a lot of us are here, we don’t work well out there.” She pointed at a window. “We are hereby the way. This is Dr. Crimsen's office.”

“One more crazy question, What's your name?”

“It's Alice. It’s okay if you don’t remember, I can’t imagine what it's like to always be confused.”

I will never forget. She will always be imprinted on my mind. In all this white, and blue hospital, she was my galaxy. My wind to clear the fog. The one who walked me to the therapist that was going to clarify why Miss Rockwell is here.

I opened the door and saw more white walls against a cherry desk and more leather couches. And then I looked at my socks, just the same tan….

And then I slipped awake.