I am a fish and you are the only water I have

One day in March 2005, I embarked on a southbound train from Harbin to Qingdao, heading for the dream of "facing the sea and blossoming in spring". There was no better reason than love for a college student who graduated in broadcasting and was a reporter in the local TV station, and whose parents were senior intellectuals, to go to a foreign country alone.

　　In fact, instead of going south for love, it is better to go south to escape love.

　　I and Hu Ke are upstairs and downstairs neighbors, when I was a child, we played together every day, holding hands. Hu Ke's grandmother teased me, "Fei Fei, grow up to be Hu Ke's daughter-in-law!" Hu Ke jumped for joy, hugging my shoulder and shaking it, "Great, great!" I thought that being Hu Ke's daughter-in-law meant that we could hold hands like this every day when we grew up, so I shouted "Great!" along with Hu Ke. Seeing the adults laughing happily, we shouted even louder. At that time, I had no concept of love.

　　When winter came, my hands were frozen to numb joints by the low temperature of minus 20 degrees. Hu Ke saw, immediately went forward to catch, and did not hesitate to stuff in their armpits. Although through the sweater, the warmth still slowly came. The frozen fingers slowly became conscious and took the opportunity to giggle under his armpit a few times, and Hu Ke could not help but laugh and twist into a ball, I was able to pull my hand. These actions I have long been accustomed to, and it has continued between us for more than a dozen winters.

　　My desk is often filled with my favorite snacks, washed fruit wrapped in plastic wrap, and pretty little things. All these were secretly put in by Hu Ke. For many years, these things were the props for our "games". When I found out, I ran to him with excitement and threw all the compliments I knew at him, and he put one hand in his ear and asked me like a fool: "What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What the hell are you talking about?" He was so happy to see me get so angry.

　　But, in the winter of my 15th year, when Huke grabbed my hand again and sent it to my armpit, I retracted like an electric shock. Hu Ke froze and then blushed. It didn't take long for me to return a small crystal apple that Huke had secretly placed on my desk that morning, "Stop playing with it, we're all grown up!" I turned to leave. I saw his mouth open wide in surprise, melancholy rippling across his face a little, a pair of beautiful eyes written with melancholy ......

　　Those games that had brought me infinite joy have since ended.

　　I dreamed of the image of the prince like the horse, to have a father's body of a few meters, a broad and strong chest, and the same voice as a flood of bells. Hu Ke looks good, crisp and fresh, medium size, he does not have my ideal those conditions. Although we have been in the same class from kindergarten to high school, it can be said that the two children are childhood friends. However, in the face of the familiar Hu Ke, I felt that he is another self in the mirror, when entering adolescence Hu Ke look at me in the eyes of a more complex, and I began to panic, began to avoid, I can no longer as before as taboo jokes, joking.

　　The sensitive Hu Ke saw my intentional distancing, he became more and more silent. After a period of depression, he buried his head in hard study, and when other students took a break from class, he put headphones in his ears to listen to foreign languages, but I could still feel his following gaze at times.

　　Soon after the college entrance exam, Hu Ke received a full scholarship offer from Yale University in the United States, and soon after that, I also received a letter of acceptance from a university in the south majoring in broadcasting. Only then did I realize that the distance between me and Hu Ke would get further and further apart.

　　Inexplicably, I suddenly felt an inexplicable and heartbreaking loss.

　　Putting myself in Yingli's window

　　Before leaving the country, Hu Ke came to see me at home. I, however, missed it on those days when I was away with my mother on a tour for a break.

　　My father handed me a small crystal apple, saying that Hu Ke had asked him to deliver it. My heart swelled and I asked Hu Ke if he had said anything. My father said that Hu Ke only said that the crystal apple symbolized purity and sweetness, and then left with a red face, having just taken a plane to America yesterday. My father, who is rough by nature, did not know that I was clenching my teeth and holding back tears.

　　Shortly after going to college, Hu Ke came back once to take care of the aftermath of his father's sudden death of a heart attack. As neighbors and friends, my parents were quite sad and did their best to help out, not even thinking to call me to say something. After the funeral, Hu Ke took my mother back to the United States to continue her studies to keep her away from the sad place. Only after they left did my mother tell me everything that had happened.

　　I cried, for a long, long time ...... for the death of my kind uncle Hu, and myself, because it meant that I had almost nothing to do with Hu Ke. A tossing night, sweet and warm memories, that most beautiful sceneries turned out to be long engraved in the deepest part of memory. The purity and sweetness of the two children, in my youthful and frivolous thoughts into two fading backs.

　　I finally understood what love is, after having laughed, cried, and regretted it.

　　I look and sound very sweet, plus I can sing and dance well since I was a child, and soon became the recognized "school flower" in the school. Countless boys pursued me, many of them as tall and rugged as my father. Strangely enough, the ones I once treated as Prince Charming were not half as attractive to me. Subconsciously, I have been taking these boys and Hu Ke than, whether they have his appearance and temperament, whether they have his talent, whether they spoil me and care for me as he did ...... but there are no two leaves exactly alike in the world, let alone people?

　　The so-called memory of the autumn came and went, the moon was full and missing. For the whole four years, I have not had a love affair, I am noble and lonely. I put myself into the beautiful window, yes, such as those transparent windows in the big shopping malls inside the display of gorgeous models, can only be seen from afar, to appreciate, but it does not eat fireworks, do not talk about love.

　　After graduation, I returned to work at Harbin TV and became a news column reporter. I am still the object of pursuit of many unmarried men, but I have given up time and again on the view of others who are excellent men with diamond-like prospects. People think I have a high vision, but only I know that I am waiting, waiting for the love that I lost when I was 15 years old to come back. In the blink of an eye, I reached the age of 28 and was still all alone. My mother intentionally read to me a passage written by Qian Zhongshu in "The Siege": "At that time, Miss Su valued her love too much and refused to give it freely. Now it is like making good clothes, can not wear, locked in the box, after a year or two suddenly found that the clothes look and color are not fashionable, some self-loathing self-regret ...... "I hugged my mother," now nostalgic people are a lot of it ......" when I said this, my mind swept back to the figure of Hu Ke when he was 15 years old.

　　It's telepathy? The next day was an interview, I suddenly received a transatlantic phone call from Hu Ke. After ten years, a soft voice: "Fei Fei, this is Hu Ke ......", the voice I had waited too long for, finally sounded in my ears. The person I had waited too long for finally appeared. I almost suffocated, and then tears rained down ......

　　Hu Ke has never stopped thinking about me. When I was in high school, I was better than him in every way, so he had an inferiority complex and studied hard to be "worthy of me". After my mother went to the U.S. to accompany him, he had to work outside of school to pay for two people's living expenses, even though he had a full scholarship. Under the pressure of both school and life, he had no time for love. After several years of no contact, he thought I had already fallen in love and married someone else. After graduation, he chose to stay in the United States and fall in love with a local American girl in his company and only got up the courage to call me before he got married.

　　I listened to his story in bewilderment. I waited for 10 years, and all I got was that he was going to be someone else's groom. I blurted out my best wishes to him, my heart was like charcoal ashes, and my tears flowed freely ......

　　The fact is that you can find a lot of people who are not able to get a good deal on this. I want to be in that place where you can see the tide rise and fall every day, slowly healing.