I am a fish and you are my only water

One day in March 2005, I stepped on the train southbound from Harbin to Qingdao, heading for the dream of "facing the sea, with spring blossoms". Can let a broadcasting major graduate college students, in the local television station is everyone attention out of the camera reporter, parents are senior intellectuals girl so boldly go to a foreign land alone, in addition to love, there is no other more appropriate reason.

In fact, it is not so much a move south for love as a move south to escape love.

Hu Ke and I are upstairs and downstairs neighbors. When we were young, we played together hand in hand every day. Hu Ke's grandmother teased me: "Fei Fei, grow up to be Hu Ke's daughter-in-law!" Hu Ke jumped up happily, hugged my shoulders and shook, "Good, good!" I thought being a daughter-in-law to Hu Ke meant that I could still hold hands like this every day when I grew up, so I would happily follow Hu Ke and shout "Great!" See the adults laughing, we shouted louder. At that time, I had no idea about love.

When winter comes, my hands are frozen numb to the joints by the low temperature of minus 20 degrees. Hu Ke saw it, and immediately grabbed it and stuffed it under his arm without hesitation. Though through the sweater, the warmth still came slowly. My frozen fingers began to feel, and I crunched under his armpit a few times. Hu Ke couldn't help laughing and twisted into a ball, so I pulled my hand away. I have long been accustomed to these movements; they have been between us for a dozen winters.

My desk is often filled with my favorite snacks, washed fruit wrapped in plastic wrap, and pretty little things. These are all smuggled in by Huke. For years, these items were props in the "game" between us. When I found out, I ran up to him with a look of excitement and threw all the compliments I knew at him. He put his hand to his ear and asked me like a fool, "What are you talking about? What are you talking about? What the hell are you talking about?" He was so happy to see me so angry.

But in the winter when I was 15, when Hu Ke again grabbed my hand and sent it under my arm, I retracted like an electric shock. Hu Ke leng, then his face red. Not long after, I gave Hu Ke the morning secretly into my desk in a small crystal apple back to him, "Don't play, we are all grown up!" I turned and walked away. I saw him open his mouth in surprise, a little melancholy on his face, a pair of beautiful eyes full of melancholy...

The games that had given me so much pleasure were over.

I dream from the image of the horse prince, to have a father like a few meters of stature, broad and strong chest, and the same as the voice of the bell. Hu Ke was handsome, fresh and of medium height. He didn't have the qualities I wanted. Although we were classmates from kindergarten through high school, we were childhood sweethearts. However, in the face of the very familiar Hu Ke, I felt that he was just another self in the mirror. When Hu Ke looked at me in the eyes after puberty, I began to panic and avoid. I could no longer talk, laugh and play like before without inhibitions.

The sensitive Hu Ke saw my intention to distance himself, and he became more and more silent. After a period of depression, he immersed himself in reading hard. After class, other students took a break, he would put his earphones into his ears to listen to the foreign language, but I could still feel his following eyes from time to time.

Shortly after the college entrance examination, Hu Ke received a full scholarship offer from Yale University in the United States, and soon after, I received an offer from a university in southern China to major in broadcasting. Only then did I realize that the distance between me and Hu Ke would grow.

Inexplicably, I suddenly felt an inexplicable and poignant loss.

Put yourself in the window of Yingli

Before leaving the country, Hu Ke came to see me at home. I was in those days with my mother along with the group to travel for relaxation, missed.

My father handed me a small crystal apple, saying that Jukote had given it to him. My heart like a tidal wave, busy asked Hu Ke said anything. Father said Hu Ke only said the crystal apple symbolized purity and sweetness, and then walked away with a red face, just yesterday flew to the United States. My rugged father did not know that I was gritting my teeth and trying not to let the tears fall.

Soon after he entered college, Hu returned to attend to his father's sudden heart death. As neighbors and friends, my grieving parents did all they could to help, but didn't think to call to tell me. After the funeral, Hu Ke took his mother with him to return to the United States to continue his study in order to keep her away from sadness. Only after they left did my mother tell me what had happened.

I cried, cried for a long time... Sad for the death of the amiable Uncle Hu, but also for myself, because it means that I and Hu Ke almost can not continue. One sleepless night, sweet and warm memories again and again, the most beautiful scenery had been engraved in the deepest memory. Chaste and sweet, in my young frivolous one read into two gradually go gradually far back.

Laugh, cry, regret, I finally understand, what is love.

My face and voice are very sweet, coupled with singing and dancing since childhood, soon became recognized in the school "school flower". I was courted by countless boys, some of whom were as tall and rugged as my father. Oddly enough, those I once thought of as Prince Charming have no attraction for me at all. Subconsciously, I have been comparing these boys and Hu Kopi, whether they have his appearance and temperament, whether they have his talent, whether they like him spoil me, care for me... But there are no two identical leaves in the world, let alone people.

In the so-called memory of the Mid-Autumn Festival has come and gone, the full moon and lack. For four years I had not had a single love affair, and I was alone in my pride. I put myself into the beautiful window, yes, such as the big shopping malls in the transparent window display inside the gorgeously dressed model, can only be seen far away, far away to enjoy, but it does not eat between fireworks, do not talk about love.

After graduation, I went back to Harbin Television Station to work as an on-camera reporter for a news program. I was still the subject of a lot of unmarried men, but I had given up time and time again on what everyone else considered to be excellent men with diamond prospects. People think I have high vision, only I know, I am waiting, waiting for the love that I lost when I was 15 years old can come back. Suddenly, I was 28 years old and still had a son. My mother deliberately read to me a passage written by Qian Zhongshu in Besieged City: "At that time, Miss Su regarded her love as too precious to give freely. Now, I feel like I can't bear to wear good clothes and lock them in a box. After a year or two, I suddenly find that the appearance and color of the clothes are not fashionable anymore. I feel sorry for myself..." I put my arms around my mother. "A lot of people are nostalgic these days..." As I said this, a picture of Hu Ke at 15 flashed through my mind.

Is it telepathy? The next day, during the interview, I suddenly received an overseas call from Hu Ke. Ten years, gently: "Fei Fei, I am Hu Ke......" The voice I've been waiting for so long finally rings in my ears. I waited for too long, finally appeared. I almost suffocated, and then the tears began to rain...

In fact, Hu Ke never stopped missing me. In high school, I am better than him in all aspects of the condition, let him feel inferior, for "worthy of me" will be hard to study. After his mother came to the United States to accompany him to study, although he had a full scholarship, it was difficult to pay the living expenses of two people, he had to use spare time to work outside. Under the double pressure of study and life, he has no time to care about love. Several years no contact, he thought I had been in love, married. After graduation, he chose to stay in the United States and fell in love with a local American girl in his company. Before he got married, he summoned up the courage to call me.

I listened to him blankly. I waited 10 years for him to be someone else's bridegroom. I bless him loudly, heart like charcoal ash, tears flowing freely......

In spite of my parents' strong objections, I resigned and boarded the southbound train. I want to heal slowly in the place where I see the ebb and flow every day.