How to Train Your Zombie

Many people have survived the latest outbreak of zombie occurrences, but it is only from sheer dumb luck. The most important thing you can do is make the smart decision of catching a zombie. A new zombie friend and bodyguard will protect you from other zombies and other humans.

It is important to prepare yourself both physically and mentally after making the decision to catch a wild zombie. Once you have managed to bring one home, you must then win its trust. Washing your zombie of its evil tendencies is ultimately the most important thing you must do before you could possibly begin to train your zombie for combat. You can train your new zombie like a child and like a pet, while at the same time teaching it to protect and serve you. I can briefly teach you how to train a zombie to do your bidding without killing you and eating your flesh.

Catching the undead.

To catch the zombie that has caught your eye, you must be prepared physically. Cover yourself with flesh from a decaying corpse you find laying around -- there should be plenty to choose from. It could also help to tie a piece of thick string through some severed body parts and let them hang around your shoulders like a necklace. It is also important for the body to be decaying. Chemist Raychelle Burks told Scientific American that “dimethyl trisulfide smells like an open, festering wound. Another chemical produced by rotting flesh, skatole, also makes people think of feces when they get a whiff.” These chemicals, natural to the human body, are what zombies pleasantly give off.

Another important thing to do when approaching a zombie is to walk and groan, as they are alerted to quick movements and loud, high-pitched noises. Colin M Drysdale, a popular author, wrote that “this means the best they can probably do visually is detect movement and orient towards it. In contrast, sound seems to be a much more important sense for dead zombies, and in almost all zombie scenarios, it’s unintended noises which alert zombies to the presence of humans.” Once you can get your chosen zombie close enough to you, gently cover his or her mouth with a muzzle.

Taking your best friend home.

After finally catching a zombie you must take it home and begin the cleansing stage. Start by teaching your zombie the difference between right and wrong. Force the zombie to watch the complete series of 7th Heaven and Full House as this will definitely cause a stir deep inside their dormant human emotions. It is crucial for you to earn their trust. Keep your zombie safe; Let your zombie feel like they are not in danger around you. Have them learn to love and cherish your protection before it can protect you. Give it time outside the house as they will begin to trust that they are not your captive. You must keep a close eye on them, however, as they are known to drift off and get lost. Soon, you will be able to breathe easy knowing that they are sleeping soundly in the next room at night.

Training the living dead.

A zombie is both like a child and like a pet -- both of them need to be trained. Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to potty train a zombie. You may want to teach them with a litter box first and then make your way up. Like with a child, you must have patience and kindness towards your zombie. Although zombies hate water, do not fill a spray bottle and spray them like a cat when they are getting into mischief. Famous cat author, Pam Johnson Bennett said that spraying a cat with water “creates frustration in the cat. It causes the cat to become afraid of you. The cat learns to wait until you aren’t around before engaging in the behavior.” The same advice applies to your zombie as well. Teach them to fight by getting them to play video games. Get them to play violent video games like Call of Duty and The Last of Us. They will learn techniques for fighting other zombies as well as humans.

Catching and training a zombie isn’t as difficult as you may think. And, although the government is telling us to not be alarmed, we will need a way to protect ourselves. I have shown you that it is quite easy to tame a wild zombie to be gentle and loving. As long as you are able to act like a zombie and cleanse it of its troubled ways, there should not be a problem in making it through to the other side of the apocalypse. All you need now is a nice suit of armour and perhaps an eau de death perfume so you can finally put your Uncle Bob’s body parts back where they came from.