How to choose suitable furniture for your interrogation room - Lord Der Arzte - Gentleman Detective

Chapter 7 - I like your furniture.

“Thank you for coming, Lord Der Ärzte.” Lieutenant Ehrlich walked up to the front counter of her cop shop and smiled happily at his Lordship, who stood uncomfortable before the smirking Desk Sergeant.

It seemed unnecessarily quiet yet extremely busy in the front office of Baker Street. So many constables were filling out forms very slowly… and unobtrusively, I might add. It appeared that most were hoping for a little bit of light entertainment before they went out into the wilds of Bony Valley to complete their beats.

In the light of all this, his Lordship stood regally with his top hat nicely brushed, matching his thick black woollen coat and tapped his black walking cane on the ground three times, subconsciously indicating his level of annoyance.

“Well, Madam, I really didn’t have much choice, now did I? Your constables wouldn’t leave my front door until Banks had the horse going down the drive.”

“It’s Lieutenant, your Lordship.”

“No, Madam, it is Madam, just as it would be Sir if you were a man, and if you identified as neither, then I would use your last name or species type.” His Lordship banged the floor seven times in quick succession with his ebony walking cane. “Your gender has quite obviously not hampered the development of your brain, and if I go by the number of constables employed by this establishment, nor your leadership skills. So don’t, Lieutenant, read a negative into my terminology when I speak only with good manners.”

A copper filing pin dropped to the floor and echoed around the station’s front office. The eyes of a number of constables who’d been on the receiving end of their Lieutenant’s reprimands widened, as did their smiles in anticipation of the verbal barrage that was about to occur. They hopped his lordship, liked his hair parted in the middle of his head ‘cause that part was about to become a whole lot wider!

“Thank you for your clarification, Mr. Der Ärzte.” Ehrlich smiled calmly as the men around her took a deep breath under raised eyebrows.

“Your Lordship, the horses have been stabled.” A six-foot-seven snow-white-haired man dressed in a dark blue day suit sauntered in like a panther with a full stomach and stood at ease next to the pensive Lord Der Ärzte, who surprisingly was only an inch or two shorter.

The Lieutenant watched as Banks’ green eyes blazed out from under his strong brow, wearing his snow hair as a crown; his smile broke a jawline you could have cracked walnuts on.

As one, the observant police force all mentally decided privately that this was one bloody huge bugga they didn’t want to have to tackle without backup and a load of big sticks.

“Thank you, Banks.” His Lordship nodded to his solidly built manservant before continuing politely. “I’m sure… Mada.. Ms L. Jagerin Ehrlich won’t mind if you stay and act as a witness to her request for me to attend at her leisure.”

The Lieutenant smirked, “I assure you, Harold, there will be no need to search your personage again.”

His Lordship bounced once on his heel, then tapped the floor loudly ten times, a sure indicator to Banks that his master was somewhat more than slightly miffed.

“Thank you, …Lucy.”

The fact that his Lordship knew her first name, which she had only ever referred to as an initial for years, made Lieutenant Ehrlich turn quickly on her heel to hide the fact that her eyebrow had jumped in surprise. “This way, your Lordship.”

His Lordship nodded and walked regally into the police station, “Thank you, Lieutenant.”

Banks sighed quietly to himself; this was going to be one of these types of encounters. His Lordship was a stuck-up twat, but he was Banks’s stuck-up twat, and no one but no one got to pick on Harold and walk away from it without Banks stepping in.

As far as Banks was concerned, his Lordship’s funny ways weren’t Harold’s fault; he was from a different age and just didn’t fit in… anywhere. But give him his dues; his Lordship always tried to be the very best person he could be. An example some would benefit from attempting to replicate.

****

The interview room was not built for comfort. It was built to stop someone from running away from its discomfort. The discomfit itself was in-built to ensure people didn’t get too relaxed and mistakenly believe they weren’t in trouble.

“Please, your Lordship, take a seat.” The Lieutenant indicated a cold metallic chair on one side of a cold metallic desk to which it was attached.

“Is the police department concerned that your lovely décor will be stolen?” His Lordship withdrew a silken handkerchief and dusted the metallic seat. “Is this why everything is bolted to the floor and then bolted to each other? Did your designer forget the comfort aspect on purpose as well as forgetting the…” he looked up with wide innocent blue eyes, “moveability aspect of furniture when birthing this metallic contraption, you want me to sit at and on at the same time?”

“No, your Lordship,” the Lieutenant monotonously stated, “our designer was more concerned about some psycho going nuts during an interview and using our lovely furniture to bash our skulls in.”

Lieutenant Ehrlich did not smile nor indicate in any way that she was joking. Lord Der- Ärzte blinked a few times whilst he mentally processed the reasoning.

“My goodness, Banks, maybe we should buy the cousins some of these for Winter Solstice. Might make the family’s torturous luncheon, including the cheese course, a little safer!”

Banks nodded his positive affirmations to his employer, “I shall find out the designer post haste, your Lordship.”

The Lieutenant refused to turn her head and meet her young sergeant’s goggled-mouthed reaction as his Lordship took up his uncomfortable residence on the round, low plinth.

“Sir Harold, if you don’t mind, I’d like the Dodo brought in so that our conversation may be recorded and then scribed accurately. Two copies will be sent to you by 10:00 am tomorrow morning. When this occurs, you will be required to sign both copies. You may retain one copy and send the other back to us, which we will retain in our file house.”

His Lordship brightened up perceptibly. “Oh, you have a collection of Dodos!” Sir Harold leant over the desk, a large grin blooming on his face. “I am so impressed. Yes, please, I would love to observe this creature. Perhaps you would allow me to partake in your breeding program?”

“Why? Do you fancy Dodos?” Sargent Aufrecht couldn’t help himself. He’d been on the job for thirty years and seen too many things in those years that he could no longer be shocked or surprised by anyone’s little… quirks.

“I am a founding member of the ‘Little Tit’s Admiration Ornithological Fellows’, and to my great pride, serving secretary for the last five years voted in without any of my other Little Tit’s opposing. There’s nothing more we love than getting into a breeding program.” His Lordship’s face glowed with pride.

Banks cleared his throat, “His Lordship means he belongs to a group of gentlemen who go out and watch feathered birds in their natural habitat. The gents draw pictures of the birds, and after a long day of standing in a cold, stinking swamp, they go back to their clubhouse and brag about which kind of bird they saw and drew. He does not mean that he belongs to a group of people who like to buy the little stockings and shoes for chickens, all of which can be found on Puritanical Lane and then go into the coup for a nice time.”

His Lordship’s manservant didn’t blush a hue. He obviously had seen a thing or two in his time as well.

Sergeant Aufrecht measured Banks as an interesting individual to watch.

Constable Blusher raised his hand to enquire what sort of a nice time would be had with chickens wearing stockings and shoes, but Sergeant Aufrecht shook his head to indicate this was another thing the young constable would have to look up in one of Mother Harper’s pamphlets.

Lieutenant Ehrlich took a deep breath and raised her bowed head as she spoke in a measured tone. “Yes, your Lordship, I am aware you sponsor many breeding programmes for endangered species, and I am sure the police’s I.T. department would be most appreciative of you as a benefactor. Aufrecht, bring in the Dodo.”

****

The grey little bird sat quietly on the stool which the Sergeant had carefully placed next to the interview table. Heavy lids over big brown eyes battered at Sir Harold, who, as soon as he saw her big fat beak, had become deeply enamoured and captured by her presence.

“Who’s a beautiful birdy then, precious? You are! Yes, you are sweetheart. A beautiful, beautiful birdy, and you know it too, don’t you, sweet girl.”

The Dodo trilled a happy little note to the crooning human.

“Your Lordship, Dodo number 27A is now recording everything we say and will reiterate it later to stenographer number,” Lieutenant Ehrlich checked her file, “number 6517C.” She then cleared her throat and laced her fingers together. “Is your name Lord Harold Erstgeborener Der Ärzten

“Yes.”

“Did you, on the 30th day of the Orange Leaf in the Year of The White Flower, receive a package from a Mori Tarty, formally known as Mr Morice Tarty, containing a collection of cut mushrooms commonly known as Dead Man’s fingers?”

“Yes.”

“Have you spoken to or seen Mr Morice Tarty since the day of his complaint to which he stated your manservant,” Lieutenant Ehrlich looked up at the muscular and stoic Banks, then continued, “killed him by sucking the very life out of him.”

“No, I have not. How is Mr Tarty? Fully recovered from his death?” his Lordship tilted his head in a questioning air.

“Yes, thank you, your Lordship. He was up until this morning, that is.” The Lieutenant let her pause grow uncomfortably long, waiting for his Lordship to fill it with a confession.

Banks coughed.

The silence continued and was only filled by a distant, muffled scream.

Sir Harold’s attention was drawn to the sound. “Oh! Sounds like more of you constables need a gift basket of hand cream.” Sir Harold folded his long, fine hands into his lap.

“Sir Harold, we were sent Mr Tarty’s head this morning.”

“Oh goodness. Please don’t tell me by the drone with the man holding the stick!”

“Yes… The package was too heavy for the duck or the drone.” The Lieutenant wanted to scream out her frustrations. Having a conversation with this man was like dancing the tango in the pitch dark with a partner who had no concept of dancing, let alone knew how to do the tango, but was indeed an expert dancer. She decided to go the straight route with the man. “Your Lordship, did you behead Mr Tarty and carve a deep cross into his forehead?”

Sir Harold looked up at Banks, who was by his Lordship’s seated side, standing still, staring at the opposite wall. The manservant shook his head from side to side ever so slightly. His Lordship then turned in his seat to face the Lieutenant and brightly stated, “No!”

Lieutenant Ehrlich nodded and added a note to his Lordships file.

“But it sounds like you could use my help.” His Lordship slipped a white linen card over the desk.

Not wanting to be rude, Ehrlich picked it up and read the expensive gold lettering.

“Sir Harold Der Ärzte, Gentleman Detective.”

Sergeant Aufrecht fell into a coughing fit to cover his humour.

“Thank you, Sir Harold, but I think we will be fine on our own.” Ehrlich smiled slightly and pushed the card back to his Lordship.

“But, Madam, that is the good news. I have already been employed by Mr Tarty’s daughter to solve her father’s murder as well as Burty messaged me this afternoon just before your fine officers arrived at my home, giving his full approval for me to do so. So, Lieutenant, it would seem we are bedfellows.”

The Sergeant’s cough disappeared, along with the twinkle in his eyes. “Oh, bloody hell!”

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